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The Alchemical Boy

Once upon a time there was a little boy born to a mother and father who loved him very much. But there was something wrong. This little boy looked like a little girl. He looked so much like a girl that his mother and father didn’t even know he was a boy. They gave him a little girl’s name, and they dressed him in little girl’s clothes, and gave him little girl’s toys to play with. But as this little boy started to grow up, he preferred to do the things other little boys did at his age. He would tear around the garden, climb trees, ride his bike, play sports with the other boys in the neighbourhood.

Sometimes, because he was playing like a boy, and dressed like a boy, sometimes people would realise he was a boy underneath, but that scared him, because he knew he didn’t have the right parts to be a proper boy, and he knew that his mother and father were very happy to have a little girl, so he would get upset and angry, and tell those people quite forcefully that he was a girl.

As the boy got older, his body began to change, and that confused him, because although he still felt like a boy, he didn’t look like one any more. He decided that he must have been wrong all this time, and he decided to try to be a proper girl.

It didn’t go very well.

He wasn’t a very pretty girl, or a very popular one, in fact he was bullied a lot, especially by the other girls. He had one or two friends who were boys, just like before, and that was mostly okay. Then he noticed that the other girls were getting boyfriends, and it wasn’t anything to do with playing football, and he thought that maybe he ought to get a boyfriend too. That didn’t work too well either, because he wasn’t pretty enough or girly enough for any of the boys to really like him that much.

When the boy was 18 he left home and went to college. As usual he made more friends among the other boys than the girls, but then something unusual happened. While in school he’d had brief relationships before, and had crushes on both girls and other boys, this was different. The boy fell in love.

His partner was a straight guy, so the boy started to believe that he really was a straight girl after all, and that everything could be normal again. Pretty soon the boy and his new partner were living together, and when they left college they bought a house, and then a year later the boy realised he was pregnant.

Actually he was pretty chuffed about that, and so were his mother and father, and his partner. The boy and his partner got married legally, and at the end of the year their daughter was born. It was a difficult time, involving hospitals and surgery and lots of unpleasantness, and the boy decided right there and then, that he wasn’t going to go through all that again, even though he was happy to be a parent, and loved his new baby daughter very much.

His daughter grew up, and she went to school, and the boy found himself mixing with the other mums in the area, but he always felt a bit out of place. More like a dad than a mum. He was always much more comfortable when the subject turned to football, or pubs, or aeroplanes, or music. He didn’t much like gossiping about the other women, or talking about soap operas or celebrities. He’d much rather be down the pub with his mates.

So the years went by and by, and gradually the boy got more and more unhappy with the way he looked, and the way he was. Every time he had a birthday he sensed the years passing by and was getting the distinct feeling that it was getting too late.

Too late for what?

In 2003 he was browsing the internet at random, and he found out.

He found a website about transexuals. Now he’d always known that there were men who felt as though they were women, who had treatment and surgery to make themselves look more female. But this was the first time he’d heard of it happenning the other way round, of people who’s bodies were female, but felt they were male. For the first time in his live, the boy realised what had been wrong all this time.

But the boy had to keep it secret, because he didn’t want to upset his daughter and tell her that her mum was really a man inside. And he also didn’t want to tell his husband because, although the boy was happy to be gay, his husband wasn’t. So he said nothing, but he did start changing some things in his life to make it all more comfortable.

Mainly, he simply gave himself permission to be a man, and to think of himself as a man, and that was like a great weight lifting off his shoulders. He’d never been particularly good at pretending to be a girl, so over the following few years he just stopped bothering to try any more. He started buying all his clothes from menswear stores and he got his long hair cut short (even though he really liked guys with long hair). It would annoy him sometimes though, that when he looked like a boy he looked 19 instead of 39, but it got to be a great feeling of relief when a stranger in the street called him “sir” or “mate” instead of “miss” or “luv”.

At the end of 2006 the boy turned 40, and his daughter 18. He started to realise that he wasn’t getting any younger, and it was getting increasingly difficult to keep on pretending to be a girl, and the feeling of running out of time was getting stronger and stronger. He knew he would have to tell his partner soon, but he was afraid that his partner would leave him and he didn’t want that to happen because the boy loved him very much.

But the boy started contacting other transmen, and asking for some advice, and he started getting to think that maybe it was going to be necessary to take the risk, because he really, really didn’t want to have to be a girl any more.

And that brings us to today. The boy still hasn’t found the courage to come out to his husband, but he’s working on it, and he knows it will be soon.

His name is (or will be, one day) Steve, and this is his journey.

nosselinfea nosselinfea 36-40, M 15 Responses Aug 13, 2007

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Yeah, I feel you pain. It aint no fun is it? Good luck to you!!!

have been using hormones for years steal beg borrow yet now buy o=on internet , the best kind to soo big now my breasts r so big i cant hide them and i act alot different , i like soft clothes instead of **** like guys wear am i so ok?

good luck on coming out and transitioning!

I hope you find the courage to tell him.

Your story has made me realise that I don't want to live my life hiding who I really am, and I have the oppurtunity to change things before everything gets too complicated. I hope this helps you take comfort in the fact that although you may not have been able to live all your life as your inner self, you've helped someone else to.

Thank you so much.

I am also waiting for my children to grow up, as having been counselled not to tell them when they were little I cannot spring that on them during puberty. I would have thought from what you say that hubby must have noticed something deep down,the male clothes and haircut a good chat is probably long overdue.

You sound likely to "pass" well, and it is nice to be taken for younger!

I wish you courage and freedom,

Love Nikki x

ALWAYS HERE TO TALK

Such a well written story! I really enjoyed the 3rd person narration that gives the entire situation such an organized and clear birds eye view. From reading stories here of other 't' people, I have found that it is really the same for each side, the same pushes, pulls, and balls of confusion! As for me, your story could be written about me if it were the other way around.



You made a truly profound point about acheiving personal happiness, the concept of giving oneself permission to be whatever you feel inside. I haven't transitioned myself, and don't know if I will or what will come, but knowing who I am and allowing myself to just be true is a true blessing.



Good luck my friend!



~ Athena

Such a well written story! I really enjoyed the 3rd person narration that gives the entire situation such an organized and clear birds eye view. From reading stories here of other 't' people, I have found that it is really the same for each side, the same pushes, pulls, and balls of confusion! As for me, your story could be written about me if it were the other way around.



You made a truly profound point about acheiving personal happiness, the concept of giving oneself permission to be whatever you feel inside. I haven't transitioned myself, and don't know if I will or what will come, but knowing who I am and allowing myself to just be true is a true blessing.



Good luck my friend!



~ Athena

I hope it works in favor of your benefit and happiness, brotherman

I can't help but wonder about Steve. I've been very taken with this beautiful story of struggle and courage to come out and be who you really are. I sincerely hope that Steve gathered the strength and used the truth as a tool. It is the best tool designed for every human being. The cliches and platitudes are quite often right, and in this case, the truth shall set you free. None of us can truly be free without it. This is a truth about one's core being. It isn't to be tampered with. Good luck to Steve wherever and whatever he's doing.

Hi Steve,



I can relate to your story mainly because that's exactly what I'm going through. We have one other similarity...I wish people to call me Sam, rather then my female given name. You are not alone I'm going through it too.

Well... its a year on, and Steve still hasn't managed to pluck up the courage to tell his husband. This is getting desperate...

Hello,



I am going to post a story in this group, and I was hoping that you would not mind if I used the format in which you wrote your story. Whilst reading your story it seemed like it might be a little easier to write it all out if you tell it in the sense of a story. I am thankful for seeing this method of writing it and thank you for hopefully not minding.



Good day dear sir.

I wish you the best of luck!

This was a fantastic thing to hear. I can identify with your confusion in a sense, because I feel more male than female...on the inside...it is hard to explain, really, because what does one or the other feel like anyway, I mean really, all girls don't like pink and all boys don't like guns, but still, there is some kind of tugging I don't understand. I would never want to change anything though. But I understand those that do. Good luck with everything and all the best to you, or to Steve...well, to everyone, I guess.