This Confusion Consumes MeFirst I must thank Nosselinfea, for posting in a way that helps me. In the story method that he posted I felt like I could write about how I feel while remaining detached which helps me remain in control. Here I go, starting my story. Whatever story it may be.
There once was a girl named Amanda, Amanda grew up a tomboy. A slightly happy tomboy. Who was happy when she was playing sports and having fun, but never when her parents made her wear the clothes that other girls wore.
She spent years fighting with her parents and her sisters about wearing girl clothes, and girl makeup, but she was never happy when forced to, and always felt uncomfortable when she was in them. Girl clothes always felt like a costume.
When Amanda was a freshmen in high school she finally came out as a lesbian to her friends and family, this helped her a lot. She thought she might have figured out why she had been so unhappy with girl things all those years before, because she was a girl that liked other girls.
After high school Amanda grew more and more unhappy, depression sunk in and out as it had through highschool and things continued to grow more confusing. Amanda got a girlfriend and has been with her for two years, this girlfriend would never understand this confusion Amanda is having.
Amanda has a girl body, in as awkward as one may come, 40DDD's which if she wasn't already confused about gender, the solution had to be made much harder with how hard those are to hide.
That all being said.
I want to be happy, I don't know what is going to make me happy. I don't want to have a chest like I do. I want to be able to grow out my leg hair without criticism. I don't want to have babies. I don't want to bleed every few months. I want to be able to walk around without a shirt on. I want to swim in just swim trunks. I want to be with girls. I want to be with someone who can understand and help me. I want something I can't have. I want my dreams. All these thoughts are so hard to sort..