This Confusion Consumes Me

First I must thank Nosselinfea, for posting in a way that helps me.  In the story method that he posted I felt like I could write about how I feel while remaining detached which helps me remain in control. Here I go, starting my story. Whatever story it may be.

There once was a girl named Amanda, Amanda grew up a tomboy. A slightly happy tomboy. Who was happy when she was playing sports and having fun, but never when her parents made her wear the clothes that other girls wore.

She spent years fighting with her parents and her sisters about wearing  girl clothes, and girl makeup, but she was never happy when forced to, and  always felt uncomfortable when she was in them.  Girl  clothes always felt like a costume.

When Amanda was a freshmen in high school she finally came out as a lesbian to her friends and family, this helped her a lot. She thought she might have figured out why she had been so unhappy with girl things all those years before, because she was a girl that liked other girls.

After high school Amanda grew more and more unhappy, depression sunk in and out as it had through highschool and things continued to grow more confusing. Amanda got a girlfriend and has been with her for two years, this girlfriend would never understand this confusion Amanda is having.

Amanda has a girl body, in as awkward as one may come, 40DDD's which if she wasn't already confused about gender, the solution had to be made much harder with how hard those are to hide.

That all being said.

I want to be happy, I don't know what is going to make me happy. I don't want to have a chest like I do. I want to be able to grow out my leg hair without criticism. I don't want to have babies. I don't want to bleed every few months. I want to be able to walk around without a shirt on. I want to swim in just swim trunks. I want to be with girls. I want to be with someone who can understand and help me. I want something I can't have. I want my dreams. All these thoughts are so hard to sort..
hehothehobo hehothehobo
18-21, F
3 Responses Nov 28, 2007

I know I haven't been logged in here much so I didn't come back to read your story until today. I will definitely second loserski's comments about binding; I have a transguy friend who's chest is as big as yours and with a couple of good binders on, you just can't tell. Look for a company called Underworks, you can order online and they're very good (You'll probably want something a bit more comfortable than just an elastic strap though - go for the triple la<x>yer vest). Me, I'm lucky with these little fried eggs that don't even fill an AA cup. I really hope you can find the courage to come out about this with your friends and family. Don't do what I did and bottle it up until its too late. Good luck.<br />
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I'm a guy with 38D's. I thought I would never be able to hide them, at least not without surgery. But with practice, determination, $20 for an anti-lactating elastic strap, and JUST the right posture; you almost can't tell that they're there. I highly recommend trying binding to pass in public. Awesome feeling.<br />
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Also, I plan on posting something about binding and hiding boobs for big-busted T-guys. Stay tuned ^^.

You know, I almost never wear a shirt in the house. It's very freeing. That's totally something that only a few people would get.

A couple weekends ago I was at a cabin with my girlfriends and I took my top off in the hottub - since then I have a hard time putting it on! I've taken to sleeping without a shirt and when possible just going around the house without one (I have teenage kids so not always possible). I get it.