I Am A Transsexual Woman

For most of my life I denied myself the right to be me.

Before school age I thought I was completely normal. That everyone had wished to be a girl at some point in their life. My parents told me so. But they didn't realize what they were telling me. We would be watching a movie and the girl and boy would swap bodies for some reason and I would say something like - I hope that happens to me. My parents would tell me everyone wants that to happen at some point, thinking I was just curious about the difference between boys and girls and 'how/what girls think'. (They still don't quite get that I know EXACTLY how/what a girl thinks)

After I started school I was quickly informed I was "Queer".

Whatever it meant I knew it wasn't meant to be a compliment and I realized I wasn't "normal" like the other kids. The other boys wanted to get dirty and play football or just tackle each other. I wanted to play with the hula hoops and skipping ropes, or play hopscotch with the girls. For the life of me I couldn't understand the other boys and I still don't understand how the girls were the yucky ones when the boys were the ones covered in dirt or mud and stinking of sweat (or what's so appealing about being stinky, dirty and hurt).

Even though I didn't like other guys or what they did for fun I knew the only way I was going to survive was to try to be "normal" and fit in.

Eventually I figured out that I could still wear purple and skip rope if I was good at sports. So I gave in and started being athletic. By the time high school came, I was the fittest, fastest, most athletic kid in school and I got cool...well cool enough that people stopped trying to beat me up everyday. If they did try, I was faster and more agile than them anyway. Although I wasn't harassed by everyone anymore, things became harder and harder everyday. The only way I could keep myself inside was to lock it away and distract myself with something else. In some way I guess this helped me in my early social life but hit me hard in my own happiness and well being.

When I was athletic, I pushed myself way too hard and ignored everything else including academics. So after high school things weren't that easy. And then I found drugs and alcohol. Which was pretty good as far as a distraction goes. But obviously no good for me. Luckily after a few years I managed to get out of my mind numbing addictions and started to focus on me and what I wanted out of life. And I became an artist.

Working on art projects made me look deeper and deeper into myself and I was finally starting to drag the true me up from inside myself. Just as I was admitting to myself who I really was someone came into my life and needed me. But they didn't need me to be the real me they needed me to be the person they knew from high school. And thats when I became a sort of step parent. For some reason I thought the right thing for me to do was to "man up" and so I got myself a male dominated job that payed decent money for the work I did. This worked out for a while and I don't regret being there for them and being the parent my little girl needed and deserves. But the dark cloud was getting darker and heavier the longer I pretended to be someone I wasn't

By this time I had completely admitted to myself and knew exactly who I was. But I didn't want to hurt anyone. Until one day when I was visiting my little girl and her mother, "A" (we broke up after a few months). "A" ended up asking me "are you gay...do you like sleeping with men?" And at that point I couldn't help but cry. I told her I didn't like men but I wasn't a man either. I'm supposed to be a woman and I can't deal with it anymore. 

Not long after that I went and started talking to doctors and therapists. And I'm now living as the woman that I've always been inside.

My daughter still calls me dad, and I will never stop her from calling me that. Some people think that's a betrayal of who I am. But I am her father, she deserves to have her father (as does everyone), and I am not going to be the one that takes that from her. And, she already has a mother and I wouldn't dream of trying to take that place. My parents and family are still trying to come to terms with it. I don't think I will ever be normal in their eyes, but they are still here and they try their best to support me.

All in all I'm a pretty lucky person...

I am part of my family...I am a friend...I am a parent...I am Transsexual...I am a woman...I am proud to be me!
SophiezDreamn SophiezDreamn
26-30, T
17 Responses Aug 3, 2010

@ Kimberlyannofgeorgia - Thank you, and thank you for reading!<br />
<br />
@ Michelle Marie - I hope they aren't sad tears. You're right, it is hard for everyone to be true to ourselves. But I think we all need to try our best.<br />
It's such a pleasure to know people are getting something positive from my story.<br />
<br />
@Fox - That's amazing! I especially love hearing of people in their latter half of their lives finally finding their circumstances right to become who they truly are. You are an inspiration!<br />
I'm not going to give up on my dreams...not just yet anyhow!<br />
<br />
x x ♥ ♥<br />

Yep I'm one also like you. At 64 I finally accepted who I was and for the first time in my life I feel happy. I've even met a wonderful Tgirl who loves me and wants to share my life as a couple.<br />
<br />
Dreams do come true.<br />
<br />

@ Becnme - I've always struggled with words, both written and spoken. So it's odd for me to keep hearing that my words are affectively expressing something so difficult. But I'm glad they are...<br />
<br />
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my story<br />

Thank you for sharing. You have put into words what many of us think and feel but are unable to express. Like many others of my era, I bowed to others and followed their expectations...not mine...and thus lived a lie....sad but true. But that has changed and I look forward to the rest of my life being firstly true to myself, something that has always come last, instead of being something I am not just for the the needs of others. Your final words speak loudly of how I feel now "I am part of my family...I am a friend...I am a parent...I am Transsexual...I am a woman...I am proud to be me!"

@ Natalae - :)<br />
<br />
@ Evie - I so want to be that yoyo...but I understand. <br />
I've mentioned before, a Trans woman I met once that started her transition in her 70's. She told me she chose to hold off on her transition and live as a man for so long because she didn't want to hurt her parents. So, she waited until they had passed so she wouldn't break their hearts.<br />
I think living your life 'hidden', so you can be the person that the people you love need you to be, takes much more courage and strength than it does to transition. <br />
You and others in your situation are an inspiration to me. <br />
I hope you can find the opportunity to be you someday.<br />
<br />
Thank you for your kind words<br />

You express yourself very well and say what many of us feel but can't put into words. I have to wonder what the world would be if society didn't think it was there job to judge. I mean i have held myself in for sixty plus years because most people (friend or foe) would not understand who or what I am. I know some yoyo will advise that I go forth and prosper, but their are people that I can not hurt or shame. I'm this way because that was instilled at an early age and I can not turn it off as if it were a switch. I live my life as a guy, but inside i am so much more. I love my SO and my children and if they knew who i really was I don't think they could treat me with the respect they do today. <br />
I hope that the day will come when we people with a different mindset can be ourselves without being judged.<br />
<br />
Just wanna be me!<br />
<br />

@Natalae - It's a shame your children have left your life. I hope they find the strength to work their way back into your life someday. Your wife/partner must be an amazing person!<br />
Thank you for commenting with your story. It's always good to see/read/hear about others that are living their 'true' lives. :)<br />
<br />
@Athena - I think it's hard not to share at least some similar experiences with other Transgendered, 3rd gendered, and two spirited (etc), people. It takes immense courage for, anyone, to be true to themselves. For me, it's not so much 'courage', as much as, it's just easier to travel this path, than it is to keep on living as someone I'm not for the sake of privilege or whatever other benefits.<br />
Well, I'm just about to go check out some of your stories...Thank you for your comment, and, I hope your journey goes well!

I think we share much in our journeys! It takes the highest level of courage and vision to actualize the woman within...best to you on your way my friend!<br />
<br />
~ Athena

@kikizz<br />
I understand what your saying, I will always feel bad for EVERY person I had ever had a relationship with before transitioning (not just sexual) and I have apologized because I do feel I was living a lie.<br />
<br />
Actually, I've never told anyone I was a man. Everyone else told me I was and I wasn't allowed to "be soft" or queer and so I tried to be normal and make everyone happy and just went along with it. I always told people "I didn't feel like a man...I don't think I ever will" I just didn't ever tell them I wanted to be a woman, not after I started school. I was out as a cross dresser with my ex and I wore womens clothing most every day, everywhere I went except for work (mostly just tops and jeans and a bit of jewelry) she knew that and enjoyed that (she's Bi-sexual, and also fit into some of my clothes). At that stage I was still struggling with my feelings still holding them down inside. Too scared of losing everything and then I was suddenly needed and they needed me to be a man...I tried my best! <br />
She always knew I was quite feminine. I'd known her since I was 12 but randomly met up with her when I was 18 and she was pregnant. After some weak, scum covered douche had attacked her. We were never married...we only lasted 3 months after our daughter was born. I still see them both several times a week.<br />
Is that justification enough. Maybe not, but I've done the best I could with my life and I've ALWAYS put others before me.

ok but i dont think its right that you lied to the mom....(your ex wife)....that's just wrong.

@Krunkenstein<br />
I'm so glad you've been able to take something from my story to help you find some of the motivation that you need. I hope someday you can pull yourself up completely.<br />
Thank you so much for your beautiful hopes for me. I look for at least one reason to smile everyday. I found more than one reason today, but, your comment was definitely my favorite of the day.

Thank you for posting this and sharing your story with us! It's motivated me to not feel so down about my parents withdraw from me over the years. I hope everything turns out so very perfect for you, after all you deserve it. Thank you once again for sharing :)

@sugarfooties<br />
Thank you for you generous comments.<br />
Your granddaughter is miles ahead of me already! <br />
I was too scared to tell anyone after I got to a certain age, because no one seemed to understand and I was expected to fill a certain role. <br />
Obviously you and your family are extremely supportive of 'him' already and this will make all the difference in the world. You should be proud of yourself too, for being so understanding.<br />
Sometimes I do wish I had of gotten help and medical intervention earlier which makes me slightly jealous of younger trans people. But I wouldn't have lived the life I have otherwise. And we can't wish our life away now can we!

You sound like a very intelligent, determined, level-headed person, with a good self-image and a fulfilling life. You should be very proud of yourself! I hope my granddaughter (now age 9) will have the insight into herself, and the strength to do what she will need to do, to become the man she wants to be. Since the age of two she's told everyone she's a boy who got born in the wrong body and she's going to fix it when she's old enough. I'm incredibly proud of her! Thanks for sharing your story.

@ DrLesMoore<br />
Safety is my priority, and I always strive for happiness. Hopefully, if we spread awareness and celebrate our differences, it will make it easier for newer generations to be who they truly are...whoever that is.<br />
Me an interesting person? Your too kind...it's really just an illusion! hahaha

@Josie06 - Thank you! <br />
<br />
I identify as queer. I'm a gay Trans-woman, easier to say queer sometimes and I like the word. I don't think it's necessarily a nasty word, but unfortunately, people use it that way...just like they use the word gay in a nasty way.<br />
My younger brother and sister both say things like "thats gay". So, I usually react by getting excited and talk about, whatever, as if they were expressing a positive. And I also refer to things I like as gay. It's slowly working (I think)

I understand. Wonderful story. Good luck on your journey. <br />
<br />
Years ago queer meant one thing ... then it has some other things added.