I Am A Transsexual WomanFor most of my life I denied myself the right to be me.
Before school age I thought I was completely normal. That everyone had wished to be a girl at some point in their life. My parents told me so. But they didn't realize what they were telling me. We would be watching a movie and the girl and boy would swap bodies for some reason and I would say something like - I hope that happens to me. My parents would tell me everyone wants that to happen at some point, thinking I was just curious about the difference between boys and girls and 'how/what girls think'. (They still don't quite get that I know EXACTLY how/what a girl thinks)
After I started school I was quickly informed I was "Queer".
Whatever it meant I knew it wasn't meant to be a compliment and I realized I wasn't "normal" like the other kids. The other boys wanted to get dirty and play football or just tackle each other. I wanted to play with the hula hoops and skipping ropes, or play hopscotch with the girls. For the life of me I couldn't understand the other boys and I still don't understand how the girls were the yucky ones when the boys were the ones covered in dirt or mud and stinking of sweat (or what's so appealing about being stinky, dirty and hurt).
Even though I didn't like other guys or what they did for fun I knew the only way I was going to survive was to try to be "normal" and fit in.
Eventually I figured out that I could still wear purple and skip rope if I was good at sports. So I gave in and started being athletic. By the time high school came, I was the fittest, fastest, most athletic kid in school and I got cool...well cool enough that people stopped trying to beat me up everyday. If they did try, I was faster and more agile than them anyway. Although I wasn't harassed by everyone anymore, things became harder and harder everyday. The only way I could keep myself inside was to lock it away and distract myself with something else. In some way I guess this helped me in my early social life but hit me hard in my own happiness and well being.
When I was athletic, I pushed myself way too hard and ignored everything else including academics. So after high school things weren't that easy. And then I found drugs and alcohol. Which was pretty good as far as a distraction goes. But obviously no good for me. Luckily after a few years I managed to get out of my mind numbing addictions and started to focus on me and what I wanted out of life. And I became an artist.
Working on art projects made me look deeper and deeper into myself and I was finally starting to drag the true me up from inside myself. Just as I was admitting to myself who I really was someone came into my life and needed me. But they didn't need me to be the real me they needed me to be the person they knew from high school. And thats when I became a sort of step parent. For some reason I thought the right thing for me to do was to "man up" and so I got myself a male dominated job that payed decent money for the work I did. This worked out for a while and I don't regret being there for them and being the parent my little girl needed and deserves. But the dark cloud was getting darker and heavier the longer I pretended to be someone I wasn't
By this time I had completely admitted to myself and knew exactly who I was. But I didn't want to hurt anyone. Until one day when I was visiting my little girl and her mother, "A" (we broke up after a few months). "A" ended up asking me "are you gay...do you like sleeping with men?" And at that point I couldn't help but cry. I told her I didn't like men but I wasn't a man either. I'm supposed to be a woman and I can't deal with it anymore.
Not long after that I went and started talking to doctors and therapists. And I'm now living as the woman that I've always been inside.
My daughter still calls me dad, and I will never stop her from calling me that. Some people think that's a betrayal of who I am. But I am her father, she deserves to have her father (as does everyone), and I am not going to be the one that takes that from her. And, she already has a mother and I wouldn't dream of trying to take that place. My parents and family are still trying to come to terms with it. I don't think I will ever be normal in their eyes, but they are still here and they try their best to support me.
All in all I'm a pretty lucky person...
I am part of my family...I am a friend...I am a parent...I am Transsexual...I am a woman...I am proud to be me!