Where Do I Go From Here?It took me a long time to figure out why I have always been so different. Looking back at everything, I can't see why it took so long; it should have been so clear to me, but through my whole life I have always hidden my feelings, even from myself. I lived the first twenty or so years of my life in denial about everything, and now I've already forgotten so much of my past. The memories that remain are scarce, but some of them stand out in my mind, maybe just because I somehow knew that they would be important and kept them with me.
One of my earliest memories was from a day I sat in Sunday school one morning. I couldn't have been more than four years old at the time. The class was sitting in a circle in a small room of the church. The teacher was teaching us about what it means to be a son or a daughter. After explaining what the terms meant, she went around the circle asking each boy or girl whether they were a son or a daughter. All the boys said they were sons. All the girls said they were daughters. I was the only one who had to be corrected. After stating that I was a daughter, the teacher told me something like, "No, girls are daughters. Boys are sons. That's you." I never really questioned what she told me. I just took it for fact.
Another memory I still have is of a dream I once had when I was very young. I dreamed that I had a different body. It was like a dragon, with scales and horns and green skin, but very humanoid. Upon waking up I wanted desperately to fall back asleep and have the same dream. It made me feel good somehow, but I didn't know the reason. I spent days drawing pictures of myself in my weird alternate dream body and spent nights concentrating hard on these thoughts in the hope that I would dream the same dream again. Only now do I realize why that body felt so right: There was no penis.
I spent the rest of my childhood extremely shy and alone. I knew I was different and always felt that that meant that I was somehow wrong. I never wanted to talk to anyone because I didn't want them to see how different and "wrong" I was. I made very few friends, most of them fairly short-term. To this day I have yet to get over this attitude of shyness.
I spent a lot of time alone in my room just playing video games like Final Fantasy, avoiding socializing with people whenever possible. Left to myself in my room upstairs, I started thinking about what it would be like to be a girl. Before I knew it I was praying to wake up each morning in a new feminine body. I wanted to dress in girl clothes so badly, but felt way too weird about wearing someone else's clothes, like my mother's, so I didn't dare. I had no money and no way to go shopping alone so I was never able to purchase my own female clothes. I always dressed in the most androgynous way possible throughout my school years. Whenever my mother asked me what kind of clothes I wanted her to buy for me, I always told her, "Plain, solid-colored t-shirts and jeans."
The older and more masculine I got, the less I seemed to recognize my own face in the mirror. It's like looking at somebody else, some man I don't know.
When I started high school, my father gave me an electric razor like the one he used. I hadn't quite yet begun growing facial hair, and the idea of it happening sickened and embarrassed me. I accepted the gift but never planned on using it. I guess I just thought that if I ignored it then I would never have to use it. Soon enough, however, classmates started telling me that I needed to shave. I felt the hair growing on my face and felt like some sort of monster. Still afraid to use the razor from my father, I resorted to trimming my facial hair with a pair of scissors. Needless to say, this didn't work very well. It wasn't until my first job interview when I was 18 that I finally gave in and started using the razor. I couldn't believe how soft and smooth my face felt afterwards. It was wonderful, and I wished that it could always be that way.
At my first job I met my very first girlfriend and fiancee of five years. Thus began the best five years of my life. If only I had known that it couldn't last. I loved being in a relationship. It made all the other parts of my life more bearable. Once we started sleeping together, things got weird. It was okay, although quite a bit uncomfortable, at first, but it didn't feel quite right, like something was missing. It wasn't until a couple years later that I finally knew what it was. We were living together at the time, and the lack of sex (my fault) was causing us to drift apart. I was taking an online course about human sexuality, and came upon the transgender topic in the textbook. Without even thinking about it, just as if I already knew, like it was completely obvious to me, I identified myself as a transsexual woman as described in the text.
Over the next months, things started to make more sense to me. I finally understood why I was different. But could I ever tell anyone about this? No, never. I started buying female clothing, makeup, and body products in secret and hiding them in my closet where my girlfriend wouldn't find them. Whenever she was gone for a while at work or school, I would dress up and put on makeup while I lounged about the apartment all day, cooking, cleaning, doing homework, playing video games, or just sleeping. The feeling that I got from these experiences can only be described as freedom.
Now it's the present. I finally came out to my fiancee just a couple days ago. I couldn't stand the guilt that had built up for so long over never sleeping with her and making her feel unloved and unwanted, not to mention the fact that I was wasting years of her life by lying to her about who I am. She took it pretty well, I guess. She's not okay with it, she won't stay with me, and she assures me that I am a man, just a very girly one. But this is what I expected from her. She's okay with still living with me for now. But I don't know where to go from here. So far, that's the story of my life as a girl in the wrong body.