It Took A Long Time To RealizeI've been aware of a difference in myself since my earliest years. My earliest memories at age three are of having a dream in which I was a little girl playing with other little girls outside, and when I woke up and came back to my boy self I was sad.
But back in those days there was no gender information available at all, and as I grew up I wanted to be a girl, wear pretty clothes, wear makeup, and thought I was the only one. And this was way before puberty.
At puberty I also realized I was bisexual, but that never really had any bearing on my girl feelings. I wanted to be a girl and I wanted to play with other boys... but not at the same time.
In my teens I started spending weekends out alone dressed and made up like a girl, and doing everything I could to pass as one... and this became a big part of my life for years. But when the internet hit and I started meeting others I realized the focus of most was sexual. The dressing was a sexual turn on to them. But it never was to me. But as time went on I spent more and more time out in the world and the community as a woman and because the opportunities were there I started dating men... and liked it. But the only tie to my girl side was the convenience of meeting guys that way, and I started becoming more comfortable with myself as a woman.
But I still told myself that I was just a crossdresser of some degree. Though at the same time I started having thoughts about hormones, and surgery, and living full time as a woman.
And finally, after many years and some therapy I realized that I was never a crossdresser. I was transsexual, always had been, and I finally accepted that. But by that time I'd also reached a point in life where it was too late FOR ME to do anything about physical transition. So I have accepted that as well and live in both worlds at the same time. And am really OK with that. You can't always get exactly what you want and compromise can be a blessing.
deleted 26-30 2 Responses 1 Jul 14, 2012