It Took A Long Time To Realize

I've been aware of a difference in myself since my earliest years. My earliest memories at age three are of having a dream in which I was a little girl playing with other little girls outside, and when I woke up and came back to my boy self I was sad.
But back in those days there was no gender information available at all, and as I grew up I wanted to be a girl, wear pretty clothes, wear makeup, and thought I was the only one. And this was way before puberty.
At puberty I also realized I was bisexual, but that never really had any bearing on my girl feelings. I wanted to be a girl and I wanted to play with other boys... but not at the same time.
In my teens I started spending weekends out alone dressed and made up like a girl, and doing everything I could to pass as one... and this became a big part of my life for years. But when the internet hit and I started meeting others I realized the focus of most was sexual. The dressing was a sexual turn on to them. But it never was to me. But as time went on I spent more and more time out in the world and the community as a woman and because the opportunities were there I started dating men... and liked it. But the only tie to my girl side was the convenience of meeting guys that way, and I started becoming more comfortable with myself as a woman.
But I still told myself that I was just a crossdresser of some degree. Though at the same time I started having thoughts about hormones, and surgery, and living full time as a woman.
And finally, after many years and some therapy I realized that I was never a crossdresser. I was transsexual, always had been, and I finally accepted that. But by that time I'd also reached a point in life where it was too late FOR ME to do anything about physical transition. So I have accepted that as well and live in both worlds at the same time. And am really OK with that. You can't always get exactly what you want and compromise can be a blessing.
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2 Responses Jul 14, 2012

Googirltg, you are most definitely not too old to transition. I've known quite a few trans wom
en over the years and know that many make successful changes at well over your age.

For a few of us family and other responsibilities prevent actually doing something about our GID until much older than you are. The oldest I've met was 84. She didn't begin transition until after her wife died. She was a distinguished looking older woman - but most definitely a woman.

I, myself went on estrogen at age 39 in 1985. These hormones are powerful. After a year on hormone replacement therapy my ex wife walked right past me in a restaurant with no sign of recognition. She DID pick me out on her second pass but only, she said, because I look like my mother! I've lived and worked as a woman ever since with no problems.

Yes, those of us who can get on T blockers and estrogen while young get greater effects. They are still growing and we are not. That does not mean that you wouldn't pass and live a happy life.

I'd like to suggest that you find a therapist with experience with trans women. He or she can guide you through the various steps the standards of care ( prescribe. Not all are. There is a list of qualified people at

Good luck and happiness in whatever you decide to do.

Hi Googirlg,<br />
<br />
How similar your story is to mine. I don't think I realized quite as early as you did that I was different than other boys. Mine was about five. Agony is the word that would describe me and my youth and young adult life. I originally thought I was just a cross dresser until later and I came to the realization that it was a little more complicated than that.<br />
<br />
I also transsexual! I'm also at the age that I don't plan to do anything about it. I'm retired so that is no problem but family is and I won't do anything that would cause me to lose my family. If I'd known when I was a teen what I know now, I'd be female now. You can't turn the clock back you live with what you've got.