A Loooong Story

I have been with my husband for 14 years and have been married for seven.  we have no children and have experienced four miscarriages.  Our problems really started about 6 years ago.  My husband is a lovely man, but i feel that I am not his priority (as he is mine) and never have been, truly. 

He can be emotionally distant and has no interest in sex at all.  for several years I would attempt to initate sex and he would push me away by making silly comments - never in a hurtful way or coming ot and syaing he wasn''t in the mood but by making a stupid joke and then turniing away - effectively killing the mood.  so in the end, I stopped trying as i felt completely devastated at being rejected   However, he remains affectionate

He never wants to do anything and frankly it is exhausting trying to be the cheerleader for both of us.  I have an emotionally taxing job and it can sometimes feel draining coming home to have sort out everything - bills, household stuff and the emotional atmosphere in the house.   But, I try really hard to do this all this because if i didn't, what then?

Two years ago he had an affair (just after the most recent miscarriage) and, once again, at my encouragement, we went for couples counselling.  he then decided to go on a course of anti-depressant medication which ended about a year ago.  But even when he was on the medication there wasn't a marked change in my homelife.  I try my best to communicate with him about how i'm feeling but all i get is "i know"  or silence and watching tv and neither of us are the type for big confrontations so it just festers under the surface.

and now his father has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and so. i feel, the responsibility is on me again to keep things going (i know i shouldn't but easier said than done!) to live in a home where my husband comes home, cracks open a can of lager and watches tv or goes online with no communication, nothing.  Again, I have offered support and tried to encourage him to talk to me about how he is feeling as i know he is devastated but he won't.  I am very close to his family and so have a lot of contact with my in-laws and feel a responsibility to them as i would my own parents.

So here i am, in my 30's, no children, no sex or intimacy and working so so hard to make it all work and i feel desperate.  I love my husband, but i know i'm not in love with him.  I don't feel like i can leave because of all the stuff going on with the family but i can't see things changing and i'm reallly really worried that if we are ever successful in having the child that we want, that tings will get worse and instead of mothering one child, ill be mothering two.

i know i sound like a right martyr but i feel i need to vent as i feel unable to truly discuss this with friends as, obviously they supported me throught he affair and such like and probably don't want to hear it again!


Thank you for reading x


lisa2331 lisa2331
31-35, F
2 Responses Mar 12, 2010

A wee update...and I'll keep it short this time! <br />
<br />
I finally found the courage to voice my feelings and suggested to my husband that we separate. He agreed and moved out on 21st January this year. All was amicable and he continued to come to the house etc but always with the intent of sorting stuff out for selling etc as amicably as possible. We retained affection for eachother in a friendly way blahblahblah. <br />
<br />
In April, he came to the house, crying, saying he loved me and had made such a mess of things and was so sorry. I comforted him as I always have and he let me. (need to be clear, there is no euphemism here!)<br />
<br />
In may, I found out from a third party that he had been having an affair since November and that the girl was 5 months pregnant - we split up in January, at my instigation remember <br />
<br />
So, when I confronted him - the usual tears etc and he confirmed that that was what he was referring to in April and didn't have the balls, or the respect, to tell me. He gave me some psychobabble bull to try and explain his actions. But it boils down to him bring spineless, selfish and disrespectful.<br />
<br />
I hope he is miserable for the rest of his life - really genuinely mean that. He has wasted years of my life and I will never ever forgive him for that. The weird thing is its not the affair that bothers me the most as that just confirms I was right to finally leave him, it's the lies and manipulation over the last few months that make me boil.<br />
<br />
So, the upshot is, if you're really truly unhappy, you've tried your absolute best and it's not getting better - walk. Don't put somebody elses needs before yours because they are not and will not do the same for you.<br />
<br />
Live your life for you - be happy for you. Everyone deserves to be loved, respected and valued, at the very least by themselves

**** yeah!

You can control your thoughts and actions and to a certain extent, your environment. You can't control your husband's feelings or thoughts. Accept that he will have to take ownership and responsibility for his treatment of you and his lifestyle. He has and is making choices. If he is so wounded he can't cope with life, then he needs to be responsible for the predicament he has created. He chose to marry you and that was a committment he made freely. He didn't choose to marry you "only if you provided him healthy offspring or provided him anything else. Life is hard. It is his job to rise to this difficulty and face it and overcome it. Believe me, many men have overcome far worse tragedies than this. If he can't do it, then that is a fact you must both accept. You can peacefully and respectfully disengage from this union because he is not fulfilling his marriage vow to you. If he chooses to harm himself, then that is his choice. You have no control over his choices or actions. You are actually free to offer this truth to him. If he can't then wish him a good life. You have the choice to act in your own self protection of your mental and physical wellbeing. There will be no winners nor losers. There will be a woman who choose to act with positive actions for the rest of her life and there will be a man who choose not to act with positive actions. There is no judgement either way. There is only room for a brighter future for you. For him, there is hope that he will learn that he has choices in life and that the world keeps turning no matter what. If he learns these lessons, he will be a better man.