Some Help, Please!!

We've been under a lot of stress. And after months of my fiance working 3 8-hr days at work (he works at a mill over on the mainland), last week he was able to pull a 6 day week. Monday thru Saturday. Friday was his birthday, as previously mentioned, I cleaned as I've really never cleaned before, and achieved the desired result, he was extremely happy.

Saturday he gets home from work and almost immedietly proceeds to drop everything on the floor (I will give him credit for putting the dishes he took for lunch that day in the dishwasher), and with the back half of the house (laundry, bathroom, our bedroom) still needing done, just mentions it and turns on his gaming system.

Well, I take that in stride. Gaming to him is like reading to me... huge stress reliever. How we unwind. And his job is extremely physical.

Sunday comes. We have, over all, a very good day. We play Fable II (he created a female character for us, I get to make the "decisions", he plays the game.. good division of labor if you ask me!), we watch some TV (NCIS and L&O:CI marathons, a good new Iron Chef America... a good day for TV)... A few times he went into the his computer/my ritual room, but no more than I was on the computer myself anyway.

While I was watching ICA (Alaskan King Crab battle... drool...), he says he's going back to the computer, I say "ok". He stops by the computer out here, looks lost for a moment, back to me, so I couldn't really tell... I ask him "what?" He turns around, says he was scratching himself (involuntary giggle), what, he can't even do that? then stalks off to the other room.

I sit there, wondering what the hell that was all about, say something like "you can do whatever you want". I hardly ever remember exact words of what I say, let alone other people. After a few minutes, he comes out of the other room, very upset-looking.

I ask him what's wrong, what happened. He shocks me by yelling something about if all he's going to do is upset me, he's just going to go to bed.  (it was about 6:30)

I try to tell him I'm not upset, but as expected, that backfires. He says if he can do whatever he wants to do, then he's going to bed. At this point, I've had enough experiece to know I just keep my mouth SHUT. Anything I say is just going to add fuel to the fire. (Experiece as in from in my own head, being very upset... and dealing with other ppl)

He goes to the back for a few minutes, I try to figure out what my next move is going to be. After a little bit, he comes back out and sits next to me. I turn to look at him and he says "Now I want to sit by you and watch your tv show"

Later we talk about what happened. He threatened to take his computer apart, I had to talk him out of that. (he once had a "problem" with internet ****, but it's been almost 8 months now) I told him he doesn't need to do that, that I don't want him to.

I did tell him that the yelling was kinda scary for me (my first husband was very abusive... i know that my fiance is NOTHING like that... but loudness mixed with upset-ness still panics me), and he apologized for that. He said he was sorry and didn't mean to scare me, he was just confused and upset.

I apologized for saying what I did, the way I did it. I've never been able to "control" the tone of my voice. My mom would often yell at me cuz I'd said something in an 'off' tone of voice.

So we ended up going to bed generally pleased with life. Not with the fact that he had to get up at 4 AM for work again... but with each other.

Am I just being hyper-vigilant? Everything got talked out and worked out... He didn't do what my first husband always did after he'd scream or hit me and say "I swear I'll never ever do it again".

Are the occasional "fights" (I don't even know if that qualifies) 'normal' in a relationship? I don't even know what normal means anymore! I had lots of boyfriends in high school... but that seems like another lifetime ago.

ARGH.... Some help, please!!!


kalika kalika
26-30, F
4 Responses Feb 23, 2009

Hi Kalika,
I'm a bit confused by your post. I don't understand why he was upset or what the thing was about taking his computer apart?? I'm glad that you worked things out, but him being upset for no apparent reason and then saying he'll go to bed and trying to put that on you rang alarm bells for me. My husband does things like that (he's abusive and we're separated at the moment). I'm not one to know, but I think when non-abusive people are upset they tell you why in a reasonable tone and don't play games like that. Hopefully it's all fine, and maybe it's just my hypersensitivity, but I'm just thinking that seemed a bit strange. Maybe there's more to it than I'm getting, though.
I wish you all the very best.

i am new to this website and have just read your post.Dear Kalika you seem like a strong caring didnt gave up on your past and are seeking help to do best you can to work out you current relationship.<br />
There are two things i like to add one is ,and its easy to say then do, although we learn from our past and we never forget it there is a disadvantage to it and that is we dont see our present anymore and we judge and misjudge everything based on our past. I am not saying you are doing it but please be careful about that.<br />
second is our bad experiences in our past make us feel inadequate and weak about ourselves.To just be aware of this very fact is half the remedy in my view.You are a strong person and you are still fighting it out.Please concentrate on your strengths and know them well.And use them in dealing with situations.<br />
I wish you all the best and please do update us how you are keeping up.

Being in an abusive relationship is very difficult and it is something that has taken me a lifetime to struggle through. Anytime someone yells you will tend to "be on guard". But make no mistake...listen to your inner self. If it "feels" scary, be prepared. Don't wait around to be struck. Make sure you openly communicate with him and then sit back and watch and see how he reacts. If he doesnt seem to want to change, then you may be headed towards trouble. Every relationship will endure arguments. Accept your part however, dont be misguided and make excuses later for someone else's behavior. Remember, you cannot "make" anyone behave a certain way. Hope this helps you. My advice, if you havent already, find a women's group for battered women to join. They are free, anonomous and they will help you deal with past and present issues. They are a great support! I learned alot and gained alot of support from them when I went.

Wow kalika; I wish for you the best in your life! Find a quiet spot, someplace where you feel harmony, and think about things. Write down the kind of things you want in your life. What makes you feel loved, safe, warm and happy! Share them with him, and ask him to do the same. You deserve to feel treasured, and be with someone who shares your concerns. Hope your current man can be that for you. I will pray that your guiding light is upon you. <br />
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Warm hugs and adoration!<br />
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