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ALL I Do Is Try

 I spent my whole life working hard, went to an ivy but didn't know who the hell I was or what I wanted so didn't do well. So after graduation I went to China to learn Chinese in hope that I could make up for my bad grades and do something cool and get a cool interesting job. My Chinese and Spanish STILL aren't good enough. I am 26. I am have no job, no life, no money and live at home with my parents. I am doing evrything I can in the meantime volunteering and **** and applying to government jobs but I got nothing.I am ashamed, embarrassed, bored and I feel completely useless. I would rather just join the ******* army and die in Iraq. It's more exciting than what i am doing now. I either want to succeed or I don't want to live this way. I am taking anti-depressants and aderol for the ADD I have and it makes me functional but in reality I am just as desperate as I ever was and just as miserable. I HATE that ******* feeling especially when you have tasted the finer things in life- good food and travel that you can't go anywhere or do anything. It makes me want to go to the GWB and jump off. It makes hope that some bus will run me over.. I would be ever so thankful. I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on like this before I really become hostile violent and nuts. I just want a ******* JOB I CAN KEEP WITH A DECENT ******* SALARY SO I CAN HAVE THE MEANS TO ENJOY MY ******* LIFE.... WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE HAVE THIS BUT ME? WHY DOES GOD HATE ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I KNOW THERE ARE REASONS FOR THIS-MY OWN MISTAKES BUT I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO RECTIFY THE SITUATION. IN REALITY I AM JUST HOLDING ON TIGHTLY OR LOOSELY TO A CLIFF JUST TO KEEP MYSELF FROM FALLING OFF. MY  LIFE IS CONSTANTLY LIKE RUNNING IN PLACE. I AM TRYING REALLY REALLY HARD BUT I GET NOWHERE!!! :(

Alwaysahotmess Alwaysahotmess 26-30, F Oct 1, 2009

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