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Im Trying To Accept Me..

I am trying to accept my heart..but instead i listen to my mind. i listen to my mind bc when i accepted my heart it always got broken in the end..so now i go wit my mind but tht didnt help at all...but my heart cant take much more pain. So i guess i just dont know how to listen to my heart. My mind tells me to do stupid things and so does my my heart sometimes..when i am mad my mind says "smash something..yell..run away from it..take the anger out on yourself, have a drink..it wouldnt hurt u..maybe a quick smoke.." my heart says "fight the pain..talk about it.." but im scared. when i am upset my mind says "cry..sit there in darkness alone and ignore the people who try to help..drink your sorrows away. Cut youself and start writing out that suicide note" my heart says "think about the one you love and let him help you instead of knowing he is upset bc ur upset" but ofourse i didnt listen..and when im happy..wait..i never really was..i use to be..i cant remeber anymore though bc the pain consumed the good memories and replaced them with bad ones. i am running out of options to make myself not hurt myself and to just smile because my boyfriend is my escape.. and i cant see him..and the pain is consuming everything..talking use to help..now it doesnt..listening to music use to help..it still kinda does but soon i have a feeling someday it'll just be nothing more then music...listening to someone who tries to help always worked..slowly that is fating away.Cutting helps..drinking and smoking helps..but do i wanna crush his heart by doing that.? ofcourse not..but i dont know what to do..the pain, is tearing me apart..peice by peice..
Sammylozada666 Sammylozada666 13-15, F Jul 3, 2012

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