Im Not Sure What This Is
I feel this great wave of strenght today. Like no matter what, its gonna be ok. If you really really analyze it. It always is. Things always work themselves out and you realize that its for the best. I guess we alway sort of know we just dont take into consdieration what we know, just what we feel. an how bad it feels. Last night i came to a realization that the person whom i esteem and respect and in a way look up to and possibly even in love, is not exactly feeling the same way. It was a weird out of body feeling when I told him what I wanted, what I truly wanted and the feeling, the vibes, the ambience. the darkness of that moment was just speaking to me. Whatever he said after was just, to be honest, im not sure what he said besides his usual philosphical shhhhpeal about life and happiness and how he just wants to be and have fun. .... thats all he could say.......Doesnt everyone want to have fun?... . I mean I want to have fun too, but I also want the realness of it all, the realistic "its not always just fun" of it all, the hardships, the pain. the feeling of knowing and beleiveing that someone is there, through the pain, through the darkness. thats what makes the fun, FUN and lasting and worthwhile and SO REAL. So when he was talking all I can think about is how wrong I was about him. He made me re-evaluate what I want, how i want it and why I want it. And i truly thank him for that, I am in a better place as far my future goals are concerned and possibly even emotionally too. even though right now I have a bitter very bitter sweet feeling. Sometimes you want what you want, and yeah maybe they are what people here and there would possibly consider them being high expectations, but if thats what you want then and youre not content with anything less. then i want out. This whole time I didnt know why it was so difficult to just like him, talk to him, see him, be with him. but now i understand he is just him. I cant change that. he too wants what he wants, and its not me. and i dont want to be what he wants. I want to be me. and i want what i want, and yes I thought i wanted him, i wanted him to be that person, but he is just not.. he just isnt.