I'm Starting to Realise How Unhealthy For Me This Is

to act human i need to supress my natural emotions so that i feel none, and layer false emotions on top, ones that show outwardly but i don't really feel anything from and they are created by my conceous mind specifically for the purpose of making me appear normal and nonthreatening. to enable me to work where I work, a grocery store as a cashier. i don't like dealing with so many people all day, it's draining. I feed all I can but it's only barely enough to keep me strong enough to even do this. But feeding so much because of a need for it after a while makes feeding start to feel like a chore. i can never get enough from just a few, it's hard to get enough at all. if i could just have some blood i bet things would get easier for a little while.

anyway, I'm not sure if my little act is working, I still have so many little things about me that for some reason seem strange to most people. I'm not like these people and it's very hard to convince them that I AM one of them. but if i can't convince them, i'm not going to last long in most jobs

AngelaDark AngelaDark
31-35, F
6 Responses Dec 22, 2007

I hate that - when they try to get too close. If only they knew, huh? ;)<br />
I do everything in my power to keep my personal life at a safe distance from my public one. Only the very few whom I trust are privy to the realities of my existence.

hoping they can't tell how much you want to kill them...<br />
<br />
a cashier at work recently caught a peek at parts of my facebook page from before i had a job. i only had the page to find people like me, and my profile stated it bluntly. when i got a job, people started adding me on there eve though i never once used the site until recently when i had to go here and remove certian things

Oh, so well do I know this particular quandry.<br />
How do blend in, and how frustrating, and tiring it is to constantly don that camouflage. <br />
Always watching yourself, hoping that you are successfully hiding your contempt of them...

No, it doesn't indeed. I work with about 700 people so I know exactly where you are coming from.

i guess so. some days more than others. people can really grate on me most days, which does nothin to make my customer service job easier

You sound like someone who is introverted like myself. I know that I go through the day trying to do and say what is expected of a extrovert, but it is just so draining. Do you gain your energy back after being alone for a while? I guess intro's gain it while alone and extro's when they are with others.