Stuggling As God Changes Me Through Prayer

Everyday God changes me in some way through his WORD and SPIRIT. The decisions I make are not always good decisions because I am still trying to be in the driver’s seat instead of letting God handle it like I should. He is still there though, talking to me and leading the way even when I refuse to see him. He is my Heavenly Father and he lets me do it my way even though it’s not the way I should go. God is there even when I give up on myself because of something I am going through, which seems so overwhelming at the time. My sins seem so bad and I know he has forgiven me of them but they still haunt me in the media, on the computer and sometimes in my dreams. I feel guilty every time I see or hear a particular thing that is not what God would want me to have in my life. My heart gets heavy and I fear that I am letting him down.
I feel so weak at times even though I know he loves me and he doesn't give up on me. Every thought and feeling I have outside his of his plan seems to shout at me and I am overwhelmed again and again. That is when depression gets me down and I hurt on the inside where only God sees it. I can be in church or around my church family and they don’t see the hurt that I am walking around with. Sometimes I wish I had someone in my life that would understand my struggles, know where I’ve been and could support me here on earth. I know God is there to listen and share my thoughts with but I guess it’s just being human that we desire someone else who knows are struggles and can give us support without having to return to our old lives. That life’s influence is everywhere and I wish I could just delete it like the button on my computer. Even then it would still be there somewhere, but at least I wouldn’t recall it and maybe my life would be a little less painful. I really want to walk with God but my old life still hangs in there even though I am not physically doing wrong any more.
I falter sometimes and lose my way for a while. It’s the shame that holds me back from him because I seem to fail so often. Even then there are changes going on in my life, I just can’t see them all the time until he shows me my mistakes. He is still speaking to me though in his WORD and I am trying to read his WORD and study it more where ever I can. When I go to church he shares his love and promises through other brothers and sisters I meet there. The pastor’s message is written just for me every week. I feel there is progress in my life through the trials but when you are going through the valley it’s hard to see the beautiful stars.
A few weeks ago our pastor preached a message on prayer. Last week he spoke about planting seeds, watering them and then the harvest. Our mission is to be an extension of Jesus’ light and to talk about his salvation whether we are the ones who plant the seeds, water them or harvest them and bring them to the Lord. He is the one who has to call them first, we are just his servants. We should be praying every day and making God a priority not just something we do on Sundays mornings only. That’s not the relationship that he wants to have in our life. He can’t be second in your life he has to be FIRST. We put to many things before God our own idols so to speak in this day and age. God want us to serve him and not bow to these other Idols like TV for instance. There is so much violence and profanity in everything we watch these days. Don’t get me wrong I like to watch TV too but the world around us is getting darker and darker and if you don’t have God in your life then you are blind to all the wickedness that is going on.
A group of singles at our church started meeting on Thursday night right after our pastor’s message to pray for people in our church and whomever God sends to our hearts. It’s only been a couple of weeks and that prayer is already changing lives. God is so amazing in the way he talks to us through simple words spoken by his children and the walk we are taking with him. If you pray and talk to God more he can work amazing things in your church too. I know we all struggle but sometimes it’s hard to see other people struggling. God is the only one who knows our heart and what we are going through. I thought if I could write down a few thought maybe it would help me and maybe someone else can read between the lines and with God’s help become a new friend or at least pray for me too. I will try to write more as I feel lead to do.
vernon051 vernon051
51-55, M
2 Responses Jan 11, 2013

Thanks for your response. I chose to write another story instead of just putting the response here. Hope you enjoy it as well. It’s from the heart. Thanks for your inspiration.

Hi, I loved reading this, and even though you're an older man you still share the same opinions about God as I do. I gave up faith and hope a few years ago and almost by a miracle God made His way back into my life. I've felt much happier with myself since. The one thing that might or might not frustrate you is that I am a lesbian, most of my friends are also gay men. The amount of years I have been putting up with "so-called" Christians saying that me and my friends love is wrong, it is ridiculous. I don't know what they think God is, but I believe He is love, comfort and acceptance. He doesn't make mistakes. I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but I just assumed we believe in the same God. My God made us the way we are, and He and no human can change that :) Write back if you agree or disagree, by the way I'm not trying to start an argument :)