A Recent Conversation I Had With Myself

 

 

I wish we could forgive each other. 

 

You're better off without me, and I know it. 

 

I'm so sorry it had to be this way :(

 

I thought I forgave you, but then I realized I am angry with how you haven't forgiven me.  Which means that I didn't truly forgive you in the first place.  :(

 

I am happy to see you happy, though, and I don't want to ruin that for you. 

 

I know you aren't forgiving me and you are distancing yourself out of a desire to protect yourself.  I can't blame you.  I shouldn't be angry over this. 

 

I want to forgive you.  I want to be your friend and your brother again.  This is a new year.  I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again; I am done with the past.  I just hope the past is done with me. 

 

I need some help, but I feel I have no one to turn to this time.  I've depended too much on others, and it only hurts them.  But not asking for help only hurts me.  I don't know what to do.  I want to be happy again, like I have been recently.  I want to be emotionally stable. 

 

Everything else in my world is OK, aside from being sick (some kind of cold).  It's just these emotional demons...

 

:(

 

This is one fight I have to win, but I don't know how.  I know there will never be anything amounting to a final victory.  I know it's a battle that I will have to fight and win constantly every day for the rest of my life.  How can I do it ?  Who are my allies ?  Who can help me ? 

 

I am all alone and faced with an enemy that keeps rising from the dead.  What's more - in my attempts to destroy the enemy, I'm only really trying to destroy myself. 

 

It is true that this war can not go on, as it can only lead to self-destruction.  But this part of me has to stop.  How do I stop it ? 

 

I already asked this part of me to get out of my life.  He left for a time, but I guess he's trying to come back.  Looks like i'll have to ask him to leave again. 

 

Perhaps I need to be more specific about what I want to rid myself of ? 

 

I want to rid myself of unjustified, irrational anger, I want to rid myself of emotional instability.  I want to rid myself of the things that caused me to hurt my friends. :(

 

Will somebody please help me ?

 

I know nobody can fix this for me, but I don't think I can do it alone. 

 

Maybe I am just having a bad day... no.  I know better than that.  This stuff would have ended up bugging me, regardless. 

 

Now, what do I want to keep, as a person ? 

 

I want to be a good man.  I want to keep loving and being loved.  I want to be a good friend.  I want to be honorable and decent.  I want to be respectable.  I want to be worthy of friendship. 

 

But I particularly feel unworthy of friendship, at times.  Many of my friends are much too good for me.  At least this is how I feel.  I want to be good enough to be worthy of their friendship. 

 

I'm tired of fighting battles with myself that I can not win.  So... I must win without fighting in the first place ? 

 

I need to find out how to do this.  Who can help me ? 

 

Why do I not talk to my friends right now ?  I want to protect them from me.  They deserve better than I.  But they likely feel ignored, and that probably hurts them.  :(

 

What can I do now ? 

 

I know the ability to change this is within me, somewhere.  Perhaps I just can't see it right now.  Can someone else help me to see that which I cannot see within myself ? 

 

Gods, I feel so self-centered.  Indeed, I know I am.  :/  But I know sometimes it is required.  After all, being too focused on others is what caused some of this trouble in the first place.  But going to the opposite extreme is clearly no solution and is just as bad. 

 

My self-control is very good when it comes to my physical actions and when it comes to things outside of me.  But within ?  I'm a mess.  I feel myself instinctively summoning things like rage and hatred, things that I do not want.  How do I stop this ?  I have to stop this. 

 

I am absolutely digusted with myself for having these problems.  But then again, that feeling just feeds into all the others...  Nasty cycle.  One which I truly don't need. 

 

I'm going to have to talk to my friends about this.  I'm going to keep having to trust them as I have been.  Gods help me if this is wrong... if this is the one thing that finally causes them to reject me for all eternity.  Talking to myself only goes so far.  :(

 

And now I am scared and frightened. 

 

Why am I scared and frightened ?  I don't want to hurt anybody.  I don't want to lose anybody, especially not due to my own bad behavior.  But I really don't like these things I am feeling.  They make me very uncomfortable. 

 

I have to control these things or they'll control me... I can't have that.  But more important than control, I have to actually deal with these things.  But how ?  All I can think to do is reach out to my friends and start talking like I have been doing. 

 

I don't want them to think I am going back to being the really horrible person I once was.  I'm not.  I don't want to go back.  But I still have some problems. 

 

This is about moving forward, not moving back.  This much I know.  But my friends have helped me so much.  I feel... wrong for asking for help again. 

 

I ask too much of everyone :(  Especially considering the actual answers are within me somewhere.  But what I need is help in finding them. 

 

In the spirit of honesty and openness, I am going to post this conversation I've had with myself publicly.  This is NOT an attempt at manipulating anyone. 

 

I know the only way I can be helped is to reach out.  I will have to find the courage to do this.  I'm talking to myself right now because I could not find any other way to get the words to come out. 

 

Maybe I will have to cut pieces of the conversation out ?  No.  That is fundamentally dishonest and I know better than that. 

 

I shouldn't worry about what others think of me.  I know I need to be myself.  I know I need to express myself. 

 

But I don't want those I care about to hate me for being me.  :(

 

...My silence is manipulative and cowardly in and of itself, is it not ? 

 

I don't know.  :(

 

I wish I could show all my friends this.  I know I have to be completely open and honest in order to be helped.  I know I must make myself vulnerable.  But I do not want to hurt or manipulate anyone. 

 

So I think I will have to be very selective in who I choose to show this to. 

 

I hope I am doing the right thing.  I'm not asking for approval from others.  I think I am doing right.  But I don't have the self-confidence to be totally sure. 

 

I know I should be handling some of these issues directly, by approaching the affected people.  But I fear doing so will do more harm than good.  In fact, I feel almost as if nothing I can do will ever be right.  :(

 

In which case all I can do is nothing.  But when I do nothing, I still feel bad. 

 

I'm going in circles.  It is time to end this conversation.  This is well beyond my ability to handle all by myself.  I'm going to have to trust my friends.