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My Life As I Know It

I am a depressed person who is negative, pessimestic and hateful. I dont like a lot of things and thus become angry, lathargic and give up on myself and everything thing else. I'm not a very happy person. I've tried cutting out media, ******* friends and narrowing my options so that I am forced to focus on specific things. But that is not working for me and I am just now figuring this out, well, I'm sure I've know to some degree I just didnt know what to do about it. Even right now, I don't know what I am going to do to change myself. I'm so lost right now. This has happened in the past. I will have some horrible insight or experience and decided, I'm done! I am changing from this day forward, but then it only lasts for that moment. The next day I've given in, suppressed it into my subconscious, forget about it, because dealing with the feelings is too much. I feel like I have no direction. If I could just pick something and stick with it I might get something done, but I drift and wonder. I spend a good precentage of my life avoiding things; feelings, looks, anticipating a response that i think is going to be negative etc...

How do I change. People talk about how easy it is, but it's not. Sure there are easy days where you can appreciate life and nature, but what about those days when your sad and lonely or feel lost and lacking of purpose or direction. Or when you have some direction and feel like it was worth your time, but discover that you couldve spent your time doing something better.
ladybuggirl182 ladybuggirl182 26-30, F 1 Response Nov 27, 2012

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You sound a lot like me at your age. Are you an introvert? You definitely sound like you're quite introspective.

You're right - it isn't easy to change yourself and it doesn't happen overnight. The way I overcame my perpetual negativity was mostly through self-discovery. What I mean by that was taking the time to really figure out who I was. Stepping outside myself, doing research and getting therapy.

I was so wrapped up in myself that I couldn't pull back and take a look - I really didn't like myself for a long time. I was trying to be like "everyone else". I now realize there is no such thing as being like everyone else because no one is the same!

It may sound hokey, but it really comes down to learning to love yourself and liking your own company. It also means taking it easy on yourself - easier said than done. Start with the little things and go from there. Create new habits one by one (including the way you think). Just remember that habits don't form overnight and it's not a failure if you "forget" to do it.

Also, look up the term Mindfulness - this technique was really helpful for me when I found my mind swirling with negativity. Another helpful technique was to stop myself when I found myself leaning towards the negative. Once I stopped myself, I would look at what I was thinking about more rationally (not emotionally) and would realize that I was engaging in self-pity.

I still have a hard time to this day with the swirling thoughts and negativity but I have more control over preventing it from consuming me.

Figure out what it is that you want out of life, starting with what you want out of yourself - then one by one, figure out ways to achieve them. Be realistic about it and take it slow.