Switching Between My Straight and Gay Brains

Initially I began this post as just a response to a comment I got from 76starships to my story, Girl On Girl Desires Hiding Boy On Boy Feelings (http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Love-Girl-On-Girl/2839672). But it grew to become a story all on its own.

In that original story, I wrote about how I've lately been thinking that my life-long enjoyment of seeing girl on girl (I'm a 50 year-old guy) is at least partially coming from my own boy on boy desires.

I have never gotten anywhere near as excited watching straight **** as watching lesbian (FF) or gay (MM). In fact, for the last few years, I can barely look at straight **** for very long before the sight of those hard ***** draws me to switch over to gay ****. And even though I can watch lesbian **** for much longer, eventually it also causes me to switch over to gay ****. It's as if the girl on girl action, and the desires it arouses in me, give me permission to switch over to gay desires.

But outside the **** arena, I still strongly desire intimate relationships with real women in general, and with specific real women I'm around. It's hard to explain, but it seems like my desires regarding real women are good and strong because the woman is the object of my attention, without seeing my own maleness as the subject. But seeing a guy in straight **** as one of the objects of my attention switches my bi brain to gay mode so that I no longer want to see any woman as the object of my attention (not in that moment), but only men, which therefore makes me switch to viewing gay ****.

As a corollary to this, I have a strong fantasy of having a bi girlfriend, in which we routinely get together with another bi couple, but where only girl on girl and boy on boy is allowed that evening (i.e. no straight sex allowed). The thought of me having sex with the guy, and being able to look next to us and see my girlfriend having sex with the other woman, is really hot. But I wonder whether in real life it would still be arousing to be in a 69 with my male friend and occasionally glance over to my girlfriend in a 69 with her female friend. Would that turn me on in real life in the same way as it does in my fantasy? I suspect that if I was sucking my man's ****, my brain would be in gay mode, and I would not like to even see a woman's body.

This especially becomes evident to me when looking at bisexual MMF ********* ****: my brain is all over the place with it, sometimes aroused, sometimes not. It's as if my brain was switching rapidly between straight mode and gay mode, not sure where to land. Because this is all taking place in the fantasy and **** arena for me, and not in real life, I really don't know what the true story is. Could I actually be in a bi-sexual MMF *********, or even a full-out multi-male/female bisexual ****? I don't know. But I sure would love to find out!

In fact, who knows whether my personal confusion over my sexuality might actually be helped by bringing one or more women into the sexual encounters I have with men. I currently label myself as bi-confused because while I strongly desire intimacy of all kinds with other men when it comes to my fantasies and watching ****, when I've had oral sex (no anal yet) with men so far (30+ times), with only two exceptions I have felt no actual desire or attraction to the man I'm with--not at the chemical level like I do when having sex with a woman. Maybe if a woman was there as well (in a bisexual MMF or all-way bisexual MMFF grouping), I would feel passion with the man's body. I don't know. It's certainly an empirical question that probably can only be answered by trying it. Now I just have to find one or more women who would be interested in helping me try it out, lol.

But that's beside my main point and question: outside of the fantasy and **** realm, are most real bisexual men switching between straight mode and gay mode in their brain, and most real bisexual women switching between straight mode and lesbian mode, or do they have simultaneous heterosexual and homosexual desires at one time? Heck, for that matter, how do most bi and bi-curious people operate INSIDE the fantasy and **** realm? Are they, like me, switching between straight mode and lesbian/gay mode while seeking out ****? Do they, like me, have a stretch of time, whether it is for hours or months, in which they only desire someone of the opposite sex, and a different stretch of time in which they only desire someone of the same sex?

Holy crap, am I OCDing on this or what?! Clearly, I am not getting laid enough!
theslayer3762 theslayer3762
51-55, M
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

Very interesting story you've written (as usual). I'll focus on responding to this (partial quote): "are most real bisexual men switching between straight mode and gay mode in their brain .... or do they have simultaneous heterosexual and homosexual desires at one time?"

I have struggled to understand this about myself. What "flicks the switch" in my brain? What is the trigger? Or is it simultaneous? I've actually put some thought into this myself over the last couple of years.

I've labeled myself as "mostly gay", and the majority of the time I feel more girly and think about men. If I've gone a day or two without an ****** and I'm extremely horny, it is 100% men on my mind. When I ********** it is almost exclusively fantasizing about men, ***** and *****. To summarize, if I'm "already horny", I crave men.

Yet if I'm out and about and not horny at the moment, when I see men I don't give them a lot of thought. My eyes usually look more at pretty women. If one particular hot one catches my eyes and makes me hard, then I crave a woman and her ***** and try to get some from my wife when I get home. Or maybe at home my wife does something to turn me on, and then I desire her.

Now here is where it gets really weird. My desire for a woman is short lived, there's a small "window of opportunity" for me to desire a female and act on it. An example is something that happened just the other day. I was driving home from work and there was a woman in her mid 20's jogging down the street in spandex. She was stunningly gorgeous and had a great body and camel lips from the tight pants. Almost instantly I got hard and I wanted some *****. So I rushed home ready to jump on my wife, but she wasn't home. Over the next half hour I became more horny until I couldn't resist touching myself. Finally I pushed down my pants to **********, but my mind went to a man I was sitting across from earlier in the day at lunch. Nowhere in my ************ did my wife or the chick in spandex cross my mind. Then after I *********** I called my boyfriend to say hi.

There are times it is more simultaneous, like when I'm on top ******* my wife and I wish a man was behind me ******* me. But that is rare. The majority of my life is lived in what I talk about above, with the odd changing of the seasons.

Thanks for your input, Poly. Again, very insightful (as usual, lol). Clearly, human sexuality is just really complex. There are just so many factors involved. For example, who knows what all the contributing causes play into your always ************ to gay fantasies when really horny, or why the straight "window of opportunity" is so short for you, or what contributes to your lust in seeing a gorgeous woman on the street. Similarly, there are probably countless factors at play in me from moment to moment. For example, as I get closer to unveiling some of my childhood-based issues in psychotherapy, I'm finding it more and more painful to look at female ****. The pain and its possible sources while looking at a picture of a naked woman is becoming less and less hidden for me and more and more on the surface. It's becoming palpable. Lately when that happens, it takes me less than a minute or two to switch to gay ****. I'm compelled to make the switch in order to alleviate the painful feelings. I mean, that's one very overt example of where stuff is coming from for all of us. Who knows, perhaps once I can reconcile my mother issues, my gay desires will disappear. Or they may openly flourish, with me meeting one or more real men that I feel very aroused by in the flesh and completely enjoy being with in a very gay sense. Time will tell. For now, my gay fantasy mind, wherever it's coming from, hopes for the latter, to become more gay like you.

By the way, even though I have been in psychotherapy of one kind or another for 20 ******* years, I have never talked about my sexuality with any of my therapists. You'd think that is one of the most important things to talk about. But, despite the stereotype, I have found no therapist yet that even slightly encourages it. Without any encouragement, I just haven't been able to bring it up on my own yet. At least, I haven't met a therapist I feel comfortable broaching that subject with and revealing something so deep and fundamental. What irony, eh? In fact, now that I think about it, I suppose my not having told a single therapist yet, among the 10 or so I've seen over the last 20 years, that I have gay fantasies and have had tons of confusing anonymous oral sex with other men--reveals how much shame I must really feel about it all. I know they're out there, but I haven't met a single therapist that is any good at their job. No one has really helped me much in any of the areas I need help in, not so far. And I haven't been able to help myself much either. I continue trying though.

Hopefully you\'ll work through it more and more as time goes on. Without the help of friends and reading the experiences of others on EP, I might have never taken the plunge myself. Sorry your therapists haven\'t made you comfortable enough to talk about it with them, that does say something about the deep guilt you must have, or the lousy therapy people can get subjected to.