Only Recently Becoming 'confused'

I believe and support the idea of fluid sexuality but I am trying to figure out how this fluidity works with me.  It never really occurred to me until recently...I kind of just accepted that I liked men and women but as I become more and more introspective, I have more and more questions:

Is it possible that I am attracted to men more or less than I am attracted to women?  60% men, 40% women or vice versa???

Is the fact that it is easier for a woman to meet a heterosexual man than it is for her to meet a lesbian part of or the main reason that I have been with many more men than I have been with women? 

Am I just experimenting or toying with the idea of homosexuality in an attempt to be different?

If the answer to the last question is yes, why did I feel not only uncomfortable but unaccepted when classmates were talking about a homosexual in an awkward way today?

Is it easier to be faithful to a partner of the opposite/same sex when that is the only gender that you are attracted to?  Or is it harder when you not only miss sex with a different man or woman but sex with a person of a different sex completely?

I'd love to hear your thoughts or experiences...only kind responses of course (no comments that are insulting, homophobic, derogatory, or try to argue the abnormality or 'sin' behind homosexuality, etc). 

Thanks!
av789 av789
26-30, F
8 Responses Feb 7, 2007

I've had these same questions to be honest. I wish that I had the answers for you but I don't have them for myself.

You are struggeling with a question that many struggle with. The problem is most people are asking the wrong question. Generally people confuse thier desires and acceptance to have sex with any gender and sexual preference. Sexual preference is the gender you can fall in love with.<br />
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I have learned to very much enjoy having sex with men. I love being with couples and pleasuring both. There is no way I could ever fall in love with a man however. My sexual preference is strictly women even though I have accepted having sex with an occaisional man.<br />
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The ratio of men to women sex partners for you doesn't matter at all. It is completely irrelevent to your sexuality meaning your sexual preference if you can only fall in love with men. If you fall in love with everybody then you have my email address.

ReL 60-40 ... I definitely agree with that ... I am attracted to both men and women though it varies ... sometimes I'm more attracted to men (90%men - 10% women) and sometimes more attracted to women (10% men - 90% women) ... the rest of the time I'm somewhere in between

I totally agree with what the commenter said above. I have been bisexual all my life, for me it is not the physical package I fall in love with but who the person is. I tell people time and again, and as strange as this sounds to "straight" friends....I fell in love with my fiance because of who he is not because he was in a mans body. I know if he was in a female's body it would have been exactly the same attraction. The most important thing I would remember in all of this is that you do not have to have all of the answers today, and you do not have to feel rushed to fall into a category or label.

experimenting or not - I think it's wonderful that you're being honest with yourself and trying to tackle what i think is a very difficult question. As for my advice -> In the late 1940s the Kinsey scale was used to "measure" a person's homosexuality, bisexuality, or heterosexuality; a scale for 'how fluid your rainbow is'. the scale goes from 1-6 1 being "completely heterosexual" to 6 being "completely homosexual" and then "X" being asexual (that is - not having any interest in a sexual relationship with anyone - yes, they do exist - no there aren't many). The problem I find with the Kinsey scale is that it only rates your experiences: i.e. if you haven't had intercourse with either sex that puts you at "X", or if you have had sex with one gender, but in your mind prefer the other you would be rated as "purely homosexual" or "purely heterosexual". Another scale was created later to help define and measure one's sexuality (this one I like much better) It's called the Klein sexual orientation grid. This chart, much like the Kinsey scale rates how homosexual or heterosexual a person is, but it uses not only your experiences, but also your interests in other experiences over the course of the past 12 years, 6 years, present and future. This can help you understand and identify your sexuality - and help you realize that sexuality is a constantly changing thing (as you are a constantly changing person). these two scales are merely tools to help people "make sense" or "help identify" their sexuality - but, i believe, as with anything, it is what you make it and you don't have to define yourself by anything if you don't want to. They can be helpful tools though for those who are questioning and trying to understand. Information on both of these scales can be found on wikipedia, and I'm sure if you google search it you'll find lots more information. I was able to attend an LGBTQIA conference with my college's QSA this past March and found it terribly enlightening. "how fluid is your rainbow" was one of the workshops, and among the scales discussed a good point brought up was that one's sexual orientation is much more than just "sex" there is an entire "sensual" piece that goes along with it. Good luck in learning more about who you are! and be proud!I think the journey's amazing. ~free love~

I feel for you.I too have struggled with these same issues.I dated boys until my BF and I fell in love at 17.We were together for 4 years and I had a hard time with the stigma that comes with "gay".I went back and forth between both sexes, but felt more comfortable with women.Years later I met a man who accepted me and treated me like a queen we married and now have 2 kids after 8 years of marriage. I thought I was doing ok until I reconnected with my ex gf and now she's all I think about. Just hang in there and time will tell.Don't rush into anything like I did!

see thats exactly where Im at. I thought the whole women thing was pretty much under control for me. That I just needed to keep looking and soon enough a right and deeply emotional man would come my way and I would just focus on that and settle. Things turned out differently I met a woman that I felt very attracted to, things werent out in the open and we started out as friends, my heart shook just to think I would see her. She came to visit me and we took a beautiful trip together, although I felt soo strongly about her Ive always covered up for my bisexuality and only a few ppl know. I panicked to think what my circle of friends would think or my parents... I was sincere to her and told her we were just a phase... but she continue to grow deeper inside me. Than I met a beautiful exciting man when she left. For some weeks I dove into the relationship with him and sex with him is great too and we have great chemistry together. They both know about each other destiny has happened to that when he leaves town, she comes down to see me and then I go see him. Its crazy, they both know about eachother and they are actually ok with it. But sometimes I feel like my heart cant bare with this much, like I would like for it to be more simple. Im more inlove with her but I just couldnt come out of the closet to be with a woman in front of everyone (she is out). He, I dont know, it doesnt seem to bother him that I have her, I dont think he realizes how seriously inlove with her I am. On the other hand I also think if I were to be with her I would sometimes miss being with a man.... Im sooo overwhelmed I just want to shut myself from either of them and at least not be confused... What do others think and feel about this? Please be kind and sincere

I've been where you are and I found for me that it came down to the soul of a person not their sex. I had been with more men than women, but considered myself bi-sexual even though some of my friends never knew I was bisexual. I am now married with kids to a wonderful man who knows everything about me. If the 'person' who is my husband was in a womans' body, then i guess I'd be in a committed relationship with a woman! You will always be attracted to other people wether you are gay, straight or whatever, so try and look at it as the 'persons' soul' rather than the persons' sex that you are attracted to. Well, it works for me anyway! Good luck!

LoL.I know it's hard for us bisexuals to find mate ,I just find out a great place .---Bisinglesdating.com---It's the world's first, largest and most effective dating site for bisexual or bi-curious singles and couples. You can find hundreds of thousands of matches and friends right there, especially those in your city. it has worked for me.Well, you do not have to be lonely.Just a suggestion..love you--

great answer!