Finding The Path

Looking back, the last time I was truly happy with my life and with myself was about 10years ago from the time my daughter was conceived and until she was about the age of 3.  After that, it all went downhill because for reasons unknown to me my EX decided to shut himself emotionally and physically. My daughter has brought me the biggest joy in my life but I've spent all those years lying to myself by pretending things weren't what they seem to be.  On the outside I projected that I was an extremely happy person while really in the inside I was miserable.  

I thought getting divorced would finally bring me the inner peace that I needed and would allow me to move on to the life that I was intended to live.  All the hurt, anger, loneliness and depression that I boxed up all those years was miraculously suppose to go away and never have to be faced with again.  Instead they continue to haunt me and come up at the least convenient times.  I have issues that I didn't even know come up and have to deal with.  I don't recognize the woman that I have become. 

In the midst of all of this, I meet a wonderful man who not only accepts all of my imperfections but tries his best to be supportive at all times.  As amazing that he is, I'm smart enough to know that I have to find happiness within myself and that having him isn't going to bring it to me.  

I desperately want to be sincerely happy.  I wake up everyday struggling to find the path to get there. Everyone says to let go.  I don't want to hold on to anything that still ties me to my miserable past. I don't know how many more tears or words of anger I can get out to rid of everything.  I have forgiven my EX and work at forgiving myself.  But I'm still not there.  I don't want to waste any more time being in this negative space. I've wasted too many years already.

By all means, I have all the things that I need to be happy. I have a heatlhy daughter, an incredible bunch of lifelong friends, a job that I enjoy and a home. 

I don't know what else I'm suppose to do.  When someone says I want you to be happy sometimes I just want to scream.  I want me to be happy! 

Maybe one day I'll miraculously wake up and finally feel comfortable in my own skin and be able to sincerely say that I'm content with my life.
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1 Response Aug 6, 2010

I think you are right. You have all that you need to be happy. I think though, you don't use the things you have. Happiness is not something you find. Happiness is a choice that you make. That is the wonder of free agency. We are not free to do anything we want, but we are free to act, or react to all the events of our life.<br />
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Don't put your happiness in someone else's pocket. You are the master of your fate. The secret, if there is a secret, it to live in the "now". Experience what is going on in your life today.Let go of the past, you can't change it. Don't worry about the future, it is not here yet.<br />
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Guilt is a waste of emotion. We can fix the things we can, but we can't fix everything in our life, so we must let it go. That is to say we must stop thinking about it. To do that when a negative thought comes into our mind we should tell our self "I will give this thought 10 minutes, because that is all it deserves." Then we must get up and do something that takes our mind away from that negative thought. <br />
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When it finds its way back into our mind we should say to our self "I have already given this thought 10 minutes. It doesn't deserve any more time than that." Then again we must get up and do something that takes our mind off that negative thought. The more we practice controlling our mind the easier it gets.<br />
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It is work, to be sure, but it is a labor worth the effort.