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When Do I Get My Happy?

As long as i can remember I have been trying my best to make others happy. From my mother, to the rest of my family. In school, my  teachers, "friends".

All to just fall through. No matter what I do or how hard I try I always fail. Sometimes things are good, but I either do something to mess it up, or don't do enough. I lived for my mothers approval all my life. Always wondering if the father  loved me.  Searching the love of family of friends, but never getting it. I feel like I was punished for being my mothers daughter.

Now as an adult, I still don't feel like enough. Not to my spouse, my child, my family, or friends.

My mother is still cruel to me, and every time we are together she makes me feel even smaller. My husband isn't the man I married. And I feel as if he only pretends to love me. He has said he doesn't. Perhaps we are only together for the sake of our child anymore. My some has no wish to be around me. he prefers his father and grandmother. I don't have any real friends. I have guy friends that wanna get with me, and their friends that chill out of default. My husbands friends. And people I just know. The one person that was suppose to be my best friend is never around. Only when she wants me to babysit.

So here is my question. I have been a nurse, a lover, a mother, every ones everything, for so long. Doing my best to make them happy. So when do I get to be happy? Wheres my happy ending?

~sigh~  I'm not going to get it if I rely on other obviously. I have to get it myself. I have to find someone that will love me for me. And not pretend cause it's just easier that way. I need to get over all the things my mother has done to me. I have to kick myself into gear and fix my life!. I deserve happiness just as much as the next person. i will have my home, my lover, my perfection! 

But first I must find my happy in myself...........
HereInMyRoom HereInMyRoom 22-25, F May 3, 2011

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