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Moving On From Personal Traumas

my husband and i have had a very hard time the past couple years...physical injury, fire, surgery, death, all happened within a few months...it has been two years today since his sister passed away while visiting us in our home. She went to sleep on our couch, and did not wake up. That was the last (and hardest) tragedy in a long line of traumas that took over our lives. for a couple of years now, we have struggled emotionally. My husband typically shoves everything down...deep inside...while my emotions tend to come out all over the place...usually in the form of fear and insecurities...I have been treated by a psychiatrist for PTSD, with some positive outcomes, but mostly just for dealing with my grief...i am starting to believe i need more help with anxiety and trust issues...my heart tells me that my husband loves me, and that he would not hurt me (cheating, etc) but my emotional state usually prevents me from living with a secure knowledge of this...i feel like i'm always waiting for the rest of my world to come crashing down. As i said, my husband pushes everything down, and it seems as though he's distancing himself...he usually prefers to lose himself in work, and video games. He is consistently online, gaming, until all hours of the night. (and morning) When he's not on PS3, he's on his iphone, playing more games...it's very hard to not take this personally...it truly is as if he'd prefer those things over being with his family....i know he is depressed, and i've tried to talk with him about this on many occasions...even suggested family/couples counselling. I've now decided that I need to start making more effort to be happy myself...I need to get a life...I'm going back to work soon, and I've decided that I am going to get myself a circle of friends, and a social life. I have to be responsible for my own happiness, and stop expecting my husband to make me happy. Wish me luck!!!
Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 34 Responses Jan 10, 2012

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For many years, I was afraid to have anything good. I knew the only reason I would ever have anything good was so it when it was taken away I would hurt even more. I know better, but that was the feeling in my heart. Then my only son died...........

sorry to hear the troubles and about your husbands sister . sad . glad to see things are working for your family . by reading your other stories . you sound pretty cool. glad you and your daughter get along so well . sweet . :-)

hprfws is awesone comment and true men women do not express emotions the same. I learned when their stress is high that cave they enter, don’t even try entering just out of luv for him, his trying to find the *fix* solution...his probably even more terrorized knowing you’re going through all this

first thing first. females are more expressive and more as a general rule to express themselves. u r husband is typical in most circles, he feels the stress he dissipates it differently than u (talking- feeling emotions, tearing, ranting) men tend to "do" (cars, football, games, sex). it sometimes is overwhelming for men to deal well with overly demonstrative females (drama queens, angry *******, and depressed souls) we truly do not know what we need to do (and we are fixers) if we do not know what to do how can I fix u? a lot has happened to both of u. be kind and patient, and give time, time, it all will too pass--do not hurry the process, u can't. and do not overly focus on "illness" do not have "I can't mentality." instead tell yourself "I can" "he is here with me" (when he stops being there, then worry). do not push him out, inclusion is key here. good luck

I concur in all ur lines...

Ding ding ding ding! Well said! My emotional well being is not determined by the happiness of my spouse. I like u going for an identity that's separate from the home and husband. That's a big deal.

That sense of empending doom will pass.

Keep working on urself by taking a little action each day...and increase who u r talking to...to cut problems in half. Do esteemable things and u will get greater esteem.

And if u would like...start dating ur guy. Once a week. Alternate who choses what. Keep it simple and fun. Before u know, u 2 will start 2 feel more connected and less like escaping. And u will feel less dependent on him

Sorry about ur sister. Mine has been really, really sick for a while.

My further thought...we don't seek and pursue change when things are going great.

Lol u wrote this a while ago I just noiticed. What's ur update?

Absolutely! You can't help him ,unfortunately, but you can help yourself. That's the place to start. Talk to counselors, doctors, and get help dealing with all this. Hopefully as you improve he'll take notice and seek treatment also.
A person can't hide forever. He's going to have to deal with these issues when he's finally ready to.
Good luck. I've been there. (Lost a brother and my only sister within 3 years of each other. Both were way too young).

Good luck to you. I hope everything is working out. You write very well. Have you tried to sit down and hand-write him a letter explaining how you see things?

The games, etc. are a visual distraction. Maybe a visual realization-the written word-left for him late one night when you go to bed-will give him time to read and think alone.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I've been struggling with this myself....i have to stop relying on others to make me happy

I wish you the best.

Babydoll; hon, you are doing the best thing that you can do; try to take care of yourself emotionally and learn to find happiness apart from all the grief that you and your husband has been through; my heart feels for you. I understand how hard it is to live with a man you love who is in denial about his own pain and probably blaming his misery on you. Please take care of yourself; continue therapy for PTSD and "find yourself" through all of this...don't give up on YOUR healing...peace and hugs to you.

I'm a little similar to funniegirl Liz above. Had both PTSD and chronic depression. Was treated by a very good pshychiatrist and also had pills for depression. I held off on the medication for a number of years as I was worried about being adicted to them. They do help me personally and take the edge of the anger and frustration.<br />
<br />
My key difference I guess is that my partner also had ptsd/depression and she got the same help. Hers took a little longer than mine to resolve, but resolved it is.<br />
<br />
We are both now different people - often in our own seperate bubbles... But we are going forward in our own way. Am not sure how long we will be together as the physical side has gone, probably due to the medication and confidence.. But i guess we take it one day at a time and try to look forward...<br />
<br />
Anyway I feel your pain and distress.. If you ever want to talk privately and positively about all this message me via EP.<br />
<br />
Best wishes.. Your friend Ido. ;-)

There are 5 stages in the grieving process and it sounds like your husband is still at the first stage - denial and isolation. I know it must have hit him hard, his sister dying there. He does need help to move on as men do tend to bury their emotions where they fester. As regards the counselling, I suggest you say we're going ... no choice. He needs help through that grieving process which is where he's stuck. I wish you well.

So sorry for ur sadness......

U need a discreet man

I have dealt with some pretty tuff times myself, I found growing my circle of friends, and actually in some occasions dropping out of certain circles for new circles has contributed to good change in my life. A lot of the people I surround myself with now are involved with various different charities and events. Really they are just big get togethers where everyone drinks too much. But it is a great way to step out of your own life for a bit get dressed in your number ones, and have a good time, oh we also help others...... so that's good as well.

I've been checking into some volunteer opportunities as well....so far, mostly with the company I work for....and I'm increasing my little circle too,....getting into new hobbies...I read you are in the 'World's Longest Hockey Game'....that's cool....

A friend started the game, and I have helped out for the last few years. Have not actually played in it yet. The next one will be my first.

This summer is full of charity golf tourny's. Just did the Mudrik Classic in Boyle this weekend. Was a blast.

I'll bet it was....those are always great fun.....*jealous*!!

There's a great one in August called MS Smashout, you should check it out. Not sure if they have a website, but they do have a facebook page. Really great people, very uplifting.

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Just wondering... How goes it? It's been a while since you posted this. I hope you are getting better.

Yes....I am, thanks.....things aren't always easy, but I can't expect that, now, can I??? ;)

Sounds good, baby steps babydoll. As long as things are headed in the right direction you can expect better things

Peace be with you

Wow your last lines are what really touched me. You realize that you are the only one that can make you happy so get out there and make yourself happy. Have you thought of joining your hubby online? Maybe he would welcome you in his games and you could have some emotional bonding as you take down whatever opponent. Games take us away from the real world and allow us to leave those horrible thoughts behind sometimes and that is maybe his way of dealing with things. I am not the know all and be all of it, and I am just one person but you seem like such a strong woman and with or without him I think you are going to survive. I know those insecurities you speak of all too well because I have tried to push my guy away more than once because they crop up and I can't get past that "I may not be good enough for this man syndrome" but it is not them that needs to change it is us. I have been there and done that and I am in a better place because I struggled with it but keep in mind that you are strong and you need no one else to keep you there. it is all up to you.

I've had to endure some tough times over the years but there's one thought that always gets me through and that thought is...<br />
<br />
There's always somebody worse off than yourself.<br />
<br />
xo

Wishing you the best of luck.

On joy and sorrow.<br />
<br />
      Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. <br />
      And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. <br />
      And how else can it be? <br />
      The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. <br />
      Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? <br />
      And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?<br />
      When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. <br />
      When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. <br />
      Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." <br />
      But I say unto you, they are inseparable. <br />
      Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. <br />
      Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.<br />
      Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. <br />
      When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Playing games and being on the computer is his way of dealing with this cause he don't have to talk to anyone. Was he always like this and did you two ever have good converstions between you? Maybe he just needs to know and feel that it is really easy to let go and talk with you but you have to be that open and understanding to let that happen!

HII

wow ! just wow ~ you've been through alot , my prayers are with you and hopefully things will begin to brighten for you ! good luck and stay positive !

Sad for you to have gone through so much and then lost the closeness of your husband. You do need to spring back to life yourself. That's a good plan.<br />
I hope you both can reconnect and rebuild your relationship.

I hope you find the inner strength to beat this.

it sounds like the games keeps his mind occupied and its a way to stop himself from thinking about the things that have happened.. maybe you should try and make a deal to go out a few times a week rather than staying in..

I understand. I had an ex girlfriend who had PTSD after death of her husband. Its a very sad thing to witness a person in that state. I tried very much to help her emotionally but i felt like an outsider. Since I had never been married before I felt like I had nothing to give. We were very happy for a while, but she was very paranoid of my family and friends. She distanced herself from her family. This in turn made it difficult because I had a family that liked her. But she had deeper issues and it took its toll on me emotionally as well. She and I did'nt sleep together after a while and that alone about killed me because I wanted to be close to her. It went from bad to worse.We went from Lovers to friends to roommates to strangers to enemies. It was a bad time for me. I am here if you want to talk.

thanks for your support...

I wish you all the luck in the world. I know what its like to just shove everything down and try not to deal with it by being immersed in gaming. He will come out of it though ... and so will you. Trust each other, but don't lean on each other too much. Blessings!