Overwhelmed By Adulthood

Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I find myself slightly paralyzed by the thoughts of all that lies before me. And not just the big stuff- I mean all of the stuff. Wake up on time. Feed the pets. Dress yourself. Go to the store. Think of creative meals. Drive to work. Drive home. Take the trash out. Pay the bills. Call your mother.... The tedium of adulthood leaves me feeling like a hamster on a wheel. Only this is a wheel I couldn't wait to get on as a kid. All I wanted to do when I was a child was grow up. I felt so sure that all of the things that caused me sorrow then- being afraid of the dark, missing my mom, being afraid of getting kidnapped (it was the late '70's and early '80's and for some reason alot of us were afraid of that)- whatever, I thought I would be liberated if I made it safely to adulthood. I was wrong. And right.
Don't get me wrong, I love being an adult. I love my husband and my pets and my friends and my life so much, and I wouldn't trade where I am now for anything. I guess that's part of the burden of adulthood. Full consciousness of how very un-black and white it all is. And really, it's not the small stuff that gets me. Though I have to say that at this particular point in my life, I do feel like I have an inordinately large amount of small stuff to do (EVERY damn day). In reality though, it is the large stuff that has me scared right now. As I near the end of my PhD. work (I still have a dissertation to write) and my husband leaves his job to begin graduate school, and we prepare to move 500 miles away, I find my life as I have known it for the last few years turning upside down. And just when I think I should feel so very grown up, ironically, I feel like a child. Faced with yet another long-distance move to start over one more time, I feel so scared that it embarrasses me at times. I am afraid of leaving my friends, and missing my house, and not knowing where the good grocery store is, or if I will make friends with the family who owns the convenience store I go to every day, like I have where I live now :) I feel like someone is trying to send me off to summer camp- forever- and I don't want to go. But I do. And I will. And it will all be fine, I know. But wouldn't it be nice if maybe they warned us when we were young that being grown-up doesn't mean that you have all of the answers, or that you won't ever be scared again? It just means that you do it anyway.
taylorarch taylorarch
31-35, F
1 Response May 26, 2007

What I've found is - (and I have a few years on you) we never grow up. There is always something more to learn, something more to assimilate into our persona and new things pop up all the time that we have no experience to draw upon to make it easier. So, we learn to take each thing as it comes. Some days - I'm happy if I get just one thing completed. I bet a 90 year old would say the same thing.