The Man Who Sold The World

It's the title of a music video I am watching right now. Its a live performance of Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. The song is depressing somewhat and makes me think of all the things I've given up, the things I had to let go of and the decisions I've made to become the person I am today. This writing is an outlet of expression. I feel like I can't talk with anyone or someone I can relate too no one I can tell my opinions or feelings with. It doesn't matter though. This is a small insight into who I am

. I'm 20 years old and I've had a lot of experiences and I've got a lot of stories I'd like to share. Verbal storytelling is one thing im good at. I've lived in the secure captivity of foster homes and the freedom of a country farm, I've lived in the hustle and bustle of a city with my father and the quietness of a small town with my mother. I've met different people and have been exposed to lots of things. Kindness, cruelty, love, peace, hatred, melancholy, strife, success, happiness, etc,. I can say that my life has almost never been stable, there has always been a "fear" of nothing "working-out" and that everything wouldn't be okay. In my childhood the sad disappointment of opening empty cupboards with siblings too feed and my own hunger was common. After a while I learned my discipline from not eating and feeding my younger sisters. Life was hard but I don't feel sorry for myself, not anymore atleast. If it didn't happen I wouldn't be the man I am today and slowly I am becoming the man I want to be. But my whole life hasn't been a sob story, sure there has been tragedy but those sad things don't define who I am. They've helped sculpt me into who I am but what I do is what defines me.

I'm 20 years old and I'm homeless,. I was kicked out of my fathers house before my 20th birthday. Life was so much different last year and the year before. I've become a stronger person, a better person, I've become more handsome. I'm smarter and learned from what I've gone through. Last year I was depressed and felt sorry for myself all the time, I was tormented by an ex-girlfriend. I was in a dark place and felt like there was no escape from the despair. I started hurting myself and thoughts of suicide swam throughout my head. I felt like a walking trainwreck. The year before that I was in love with a girl that mean't the world to me and I thought that we simply were meant to be. It felt like a movie when we together. Things were perfect when they were. But when they were bad they went to worse and it felt like everything was meant to be broken. My life was good then and it seemed like nothing could ever go wrong. My favourite memory from then was Christmas when we were together, we spent every waking moment together and stayed at her mother's house. We had our own mattress and our own room, privacy to be young lovers. That was then.

Sometimes I like to look at pictures when I'm alone and remember back to those days, I think about how I've changed and how those around me have become different from what they were. I'm trying to get my life on track now. Been staying at a friends house for the last week and before that I was hitchhiking and busking the streets in another city with my guitar. I think its funny how my life has turned out. I've blossomed into a flower. I'm smart, I'm a good person, I'm handsome. But I'm homeless(somewhat), I've only got a few dollars change in my wallet, and I know I have to help myself. I try to be a good person and help those in need. When I left home I started off with $30 dollars in my pocket. I came across a pregnant women at night and she was having contractions. She couldnt walk and called a cab. She couldnt pay for the cab fare so I payed instead. I've bought food for other homeless people too and got to know some of their stories and who they were as people. That they too were someones baby. They were hope for the future. They all had dreams and they all had struggles. I respected them and felt compassion.

i don't know what lies ahead for me in the future. I don't have any plans but I do know that I've gotta try and that I'm still going to be playing my acoustic six string. I'm going to keep living and moving on.
Orchards Orchards
22-25, M
Sep 25, 2012