So What's Bothering Me At This Moment...

I feel like I'm lost in life as of this moment. Everything in my life has been for someone else, first my mother, then my sociopath ex fiance, now my mother and daughter, I'm starting to feel stir crazy about living for myself as it's something I've never gotten to do. Now I know I'm a mother and my daughter always comes first now, but with being the sole provider for my mother and daughter, there isn't much room left for me... and now I've been feeling very strange as of late... It's hard to explain as I feel emptiness that in some way I know is made up due to too much emotion... like a circuit overload of sorts. There's so much crap I've shut down and reverted to an auto pilot mode... I aimlessly sit around content to do nothing. I think I'm becoming depressed and try to force myself out of it but all I feel is the desire to do nothing, sit no show holds much interest, no activity exciting, no desire for sex... it's almost like somewhere inside I am concerned with the fact that I seem to not care about much anymore, as if I've given up... but I haven't. I just have no desire to try very hard, I do the bare minimum... no drive, no ambition, no fire, and little passion... It's like from time to time I feel a spark in myself but it fades quickly leaving the stagnant blah feeling... I just want to sink into oblivion, but I have no suicidal thoughts or anything like that, just no desire. Or maybe I what I desire is to feel properly again... My emotional state seems to be confused, none of my emotions run strong anymore, it's a haze floating from day to day, people talk as I pretend to listen hearing not a word, my only thoughts wishing they weren't speaking and also glad that they can't see my complete disregard to whatever it is they're talking about. I go to work and float through, not really trying, not putting in the effort... not making money and not caring, just wanting an escape I go to work and drink and forget things... and I never drink outside of work... I can't figure out if it's just life weighing in on me and I need a reprieve or if I need a doctor to feed me pills and tell me the chemicals in my brain are ******... My mother is on a few medications, my grandfather was REALLY crazy, and I'm starting to worry about my mental stability... not because of them but the incessant dreary mood I'm in, or I seem to have high highs as well when I do have them... but it comes in waves, I have high energy cheery sunshine days, and then down and blah days... I suppose I should count myself blessed I don't have suicidal lows, just crying meltdowns lows... but still they're no fun... I want to master my moods, be my own therapist, fix myself without pills, John Nash style... if he could master schizophrenia I can master a little depression, or bi polar disorder... I just don't know where to begin... I have to be my own therapist, which is supposed to be one of the hardest things to do... I can see my problems just fine, I'm very honest with myself, my problem is following my own advice... Knowing I should do something and choose not to or vice versa ... Well that's enough late night rambling for now, keep an eye here for more. ~M
SeekingUnknowns SeekingUnknowns
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 8, 2012

Our experiences are similar....I can really relate to your post. I see this was about a year ago. I would love to know how things have turned out for you. I wish you the best.