Who, What, Where am I

I look in front of me, behind meand even at my shadow. I am a stranger to myself.  I know others around me better than I now me. I am trying to resolve this mystery about who I am, what I am and where I am. I go to my analytical brain and look at myself in mirror of imagination. I would have used a looking glass to study myself, but I am a stranger and looking in a mirror even sounds uncomfortably crazy and well as scary.   Sometimes I do feel crazy with anxiety and depression, do I really want to examine that in the mirror?  No, no ,no I say to myself, you do not to see how crazy you are. There's one more place I can look. Deep in my heart. So between my brain where knowledge is stored, and my heart where love is felt there must be some answers of the who, what, and where about me.

Who am I
A woman, a mother, a loyal and honest person.   I love my husand deparatetly, I am Christian. Well whoever I am, I have some good qualities, but there must be more to me.
Think, Think, Think, Smoke is spiraling out of my ears I'm thinking so hard,but here it goes. As  I look inside my brain and see how my transmitters are firing, I see a problem. I'm not releasing a who lot of seratonin.  The dendrites are messing up and the neurotransmitters are not bring the message across acurately.  NO wonder I have so many issues and having so much trouble finding myself.  I am an unemployed nurse that is unemployable at this time. I have depression and anxiety and I am an introvert. I am a person that feels pain. and tonight I have insomnia which is a common experience. Oh my, am I ever messed up.  Lets go to a different question.

What am I
I am a human being with a beating heart that knows love, fear, and depression.  I have two legs and two arms. 5 toes on each foot and 5 fingers on each hand.  I am blonde with two blue eyes. Is there more to me? As I'm looking for what I am, I feel smoke shooting out of my mouth. I look deep into my beating heart into the ventricles and see they pump blood in a timely matter.  When I'm anxious beats harder and faster. Sometimes i feels like it trying to pound it's way out of my chest cavity.  My lungs to seems to march to it's own command.  I breath whether I want to or not.  It has a will of it's own. I can choose to hold my breath, but in a short time my lungs rule and there I am taking another breath.  But my lungs too are affected by my emotions.  I notice when I'm anxious, I breath more shallow, yet faster.  So much so I begin to tingle all over and I feel like I'm going to pass out.

Where am I
Yikes the questions are getting harder to answer. Smoke is blaring out of all my orifices trying to figure out where I am.  I am here, I am sitting on the couch in my house at 3:00 am. Hopefully, where I hope I'm going is to bed soon. I live in a wonder neighborhood where we help one another. Hey now that sounds pretty good. This may be a good place to be as I try to figure out where I am.  I guess the big question is "Where am I going."  I don't even have a clue.  I'm sitting here and I realze I have no clue and I don't even know what I want to do. Is this bad?  I have lived this long and still don't know. This is where I'm stuck. 
I have to let this go for now for smoke is pouring out of all my orifices.  If I keep dwelling I this, I will be nothing but ashes.

keeva keeva
46-50, F
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Yes you are allbof that but you are something even more. You may be different but so is everybody else. It would be quite robotic being the same old clones. You have feelings... they just show themselves more. You are special and very giving to others. You are in a world full of opportunities. And you will find your path concerning your employment. Don't give up on your dreams wherever they may lead. You are going to be a success no matter who you are, what you are, or where you're going. You are a very special kind caring and the depth of your emotions are plentiful to those you love and those that love you.

that is the bad part of our cultural and education system, they should give answers to these questions in early stages of life.<br />
<br />
Who you are<br />
What you should become one day<br />
Where you have to go

I totally agree. But, what happens if we don't like what we see?

Then we believe that someone else believes in us. I believe in you

i think its never too late to find the answers, who you are, what &amp; where you should be.
Rediscover yourself, and try to live the life you should be living.

Best Wishes

I'm still trying to find self, but once I do I shall do a little more living. Being a stranger to self is not all bad, for you don't have to go too far to go exploring when it's inside yourself you need to explore and find, and accept , and find self-love

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