Making the Choice to Be True to Yourself and Your Morals Is Not Always Easy...

I am a single mother of 2 children, an 11 year old boy and an 8 year old girl. I do not have many friends, and my family lives interstate. I have been a mother since I was 17, and I am by no means an angel, I have found myself since I was 16 in the clutches of drug affected or abusive men 3 times and each of these times I had thought I had learned my lessons only to find myself in another relationship with a different form of abuse... I am not a victim either, I work hard I support both of my children on my own, my son has special needs which takes a lot of extra patience and I am proud of the person I have become and the mother that I am. My children and I are very close and in a lot of ways I have grown up with my son. I protect them from everything and when I have found myself in a precarious situation I have always left and put my children first.

However this relationship has really done my head in, and I hope that you take the time to read all I have said before you cast a stone in my direction...

I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a man I have known since I was only 3 years old, we went to preschool, kindy, primary school and high school together, but lost contact after his best friend (a good friend of mine) killed himself in a drink driving accident... we met up again 8 years later, both of us having incredible tales of survival to tell, only to fall head over heels in love.

This time was going to be different, or so I thought. I had lay down my ground rules, I had made it clear that should he behave in a way that was innapropriate that I would leave him.

He in turn was very honest with me.He was an alcoholic (when I say alcoholic - anyone who is an alcoholic is always an alcoholic regardless of staying sober) and was sober and regularly attended AA meetings. He had a lot of wreckage from his past within the courts as a result of his alcoholism but was doing his best to do everything right and was in a court diversion program where they try to keep people out of jail on the basis that they attend intense rehabilitation. He had a psychologist, a psychiatric doctor and various counsellors as he also suffered from anxiety and depression. This does not paint a pretty picture, but as time went on I found myself falling for him. He worked hard, he adored my children and they him. He would wash clothes, cook dinner if he got home from work before me, he would help the kids with their homework, look after me if I was sick, and he became my best friend.

At the beginning of the year however I found a change in him - in the industry he works in it is very difficult to avoid finding colleagues who are not drug addicted or practicing alcoholics, he kept leaving jobs to avoid them having negative influences in his life, he took his medication regularly and each time things got hard he would find himself more external support services. He kept telling me how determined he was to not ever risk losing what he had found in me and my children. In January he was advised by a new doctor to change medication as instead of having to take 3 different sorts, he could take one and cover all bases... but he did it too quickly and before we knew it he was going into these forms of psychosis... by the time his regular doctor returned a few weeks later from holiday leave, he had already experienced two episodes both of which he had "blacked out" "heard voices" and been unable to remember.

His doctor advised him to stay on the medication and give his body time to adjust while he had medical tests such as CT scans, EEG's and blood tests to make sure there was nothing organic. All the tests came back clear, but by the time they did he had already suffered two more episodes and not only this, we discovered that he ahd been taking a mixture of pills.. a very dangerous mixture that could have killed him or left him permanently brain damaged.

When consulting his doctor they referrred to these episodes as "fugues" when he would black out and not realise what he was taking and thereby end up in a psychosis.. the only thing left to do was ween off that medication and gradually return to his old medication which he did. As I had regular contact with his health practitioners I told them that I wasn't sure what do to do - did I leave him - from what they said it wasn't actually his fault... and the doctors said I should try to support him, so I did. After a few days I saw him the way he always was, it was like he had returned to me - yet he was even better and slowly but surely he returned to his old meds too.

Things were ok for a couple of weeks but he began to struggle, just everyday things seemed to make him anxious he began suffering all kinds of panic attacks.

Just last week he rang me in an awful state from an AA meeting, he said he couldn't put me through anymore and wanted to end it all... I stayed on the phone to him for an hour and reassured him, told him to calm down and make his way to my place. An hour later he rang to say he'd been in a car accident and had gone down an embankment, but he wasn't hurt and hadn't hit anybody... I was very concerned obviously but he said that emergency services had arrived to assist and he would be home as soon as possible. The next call I received about 11:30pm was to say he had been arrested but he didn't know why.

I called his parents so they could drive to the police station and by 2am he called me to say he ahd been released but had been charged with drink driving - but he said he didn't drink - he didnt sound like he'd been drinking at all... my next question was where was he? He was at a pub with his father. I was furious, I told him enough was enough and he should get himnself home before he caused himself more trouble and his parents and I more stress. The tirade of phonecalls began after that. He made his Dad go home only to get me to ring him and come and pick him up. His father kept trying and trying to get him but to no avail. He was not only drunk but again in some form of psychosis. By 5:30am I had had no sleep and was beside myself on what he was going to to me if I didn't agree to take him back, to himself or to anyone else... I left my house at 6am with my children and told them we were going to Macca's for a nice surprise brekkie before I took them to school.

When I got to work I was barely able to function. I called his psychologist who advised me to go to the police and advise of his mental state before he attempted to kill himself or find himself in more trouble. It was so hard because I knew that with all his court problems already he was more than likely now going to receive a custodial term, but I also knew that my main duty was to protect myself and my children.

So I went to the police and I arranged a safe place to stay until I knew he had been found. By 8pm that night his mother called to let me know that thanks to me that had found him, he was under police custody in a mental institution in another state as he had held up a service station then got on a plane and fled the state.

I was relieved and sickened. Just two nights before he had done my grocery shopping, picked my daughter up from school and stayed up helping me all night while my son had been vomiting. We had snuggled on the lounge and laughed and talked... Yet now the same man had done these terrible things.

He will now be serving a longtime behind bars. He is getting some form of medical assistance which he needs, and as his mother said, I did the one thing that no-one else would do, I turned him in and maybe now he can get the help he needs. They have said he has suffered a huge mental breakdown and may even be suffering from bipolar or something even more sinister.

Obviously I now have to move on with my life and find my feet again, just has he needs to stand on his own two feet. Obviously I cannot support him any longer, nor wait for him to get better. I have two children to support and they are my main priority.

I have spoken to him a couple of times on the phone. He is aware that our relationship is over and seems to have accepted his fate. He has said that one day he hopes he can catch up with me when all this is over so that I can see the him as the man he truly is.

The problem is that right now I feel torn. Torn between the wonderful man he is capable of being and of course the man that has brought me so much devastation. There are many reasons for this, the main one being that I feel like I'm abandoning someone I truly love. When someone has a mental illness they need all the support they can get. Someone who has a terminal illness gets love and support from the community, someone who suffers from a mental illness gets shunned.

Everyone makes mistakes, and I find it hard to accept the endless criticism of why was I with him in the first place. Yet who are people to judge when each of us can see enough to judge ourselves on when we look at the weeds of our own gardens of life?

I don't need anyone to tell me that I can't be with him. I know that. I am also not only dealing with the trauma of last weeks events, but the end of a relationship, the ending that I didn't see coming so harshly and quickly. His parents are also depending on me a lot to assist them with tying up loose ends and supporting them although I don't have anyone but myself to lean on!

 The hardest thing is getting the reassurance and believing in myself that I am doing the right thing. I am determined to focus on healing myself and supporting my children to the best of my ability, even though at the moment it seems hard to even do a load of washing, I'm still functioning and forcing myself through each day. It's hard for me to get some time with a doctor without my children being present and as children have a right to their innocence I refuse to allow them to know the whole story. They know he is ill and they know he is in a safe place and will be for a long time, but I can't go and get proper counselling under that pretense.

I would just really love to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation, as I don't have family around I need all the support I can.

Trying2StayStrong Trying2StayStrong
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 9, 2009

Bless, thats what great about EP. We all have our times we need to just be heard...xx

Thanks January, I know exactly what you mean about the "target on your head"! I have felt that way many times, yet am determined to be a survivor not a victim.<br />
<br />
I found a book last night on the internet called tears and healing... I think that might be good for me because it outlines all of the issues involved in being with someone who suffers borderline personality disorder and alcoholism... I can't take anymore and that's why I have left, but as I wrote to a girl who is living with the same problems herself, when you try to leave you are overcome by guilt and that is the hardest thing to fight. <br />
<br />
I was brought up to be taught that you stand by your man no matter what he does because it's all part of loving someone, so walking away feels like abandonment.<br />
<br />
I agree with you about not being with anyone else.. I have absolutely no intention and in a lot of ways would not be able to anyway. I now have my children full time so no nights off to even go out on a date if I wanted to! I almost think that's the best way for me to be anyway... that way I can focuse solely on myself and the kids and find myself again.<br />
<br />
I am used to being alone in so many ways, I like my independence... it's more those special days throughout the year or at night when you'd love to have that special someone to share it with or give you a cuddle... but I will get used to that again in time...<br />
<br />
Thank you so much for your support and friendship, it is always a good feeling when someone takes the time out of their lives and their problems to think of someone else.

I feel you have to do what ever feels best for you. Only you can know how much is to much to deal with.I do however feel it would do you some good to get yourself healthy again before seeing anyone else and by this I mean being able to be happy with yourself so that these men can't target you. I've had to do that. I felt for years I must have a target on my forehead saying come to me. I try some self help books and stuff and that helped and I believe in God and that helped to. But onbly you if you need anything you allways have us here on EP. I have a storie on here called breaking into pieces. I would alsp suggest going to a Alnon meeting. However there spelt. lol Get a bit of support since your since in love with this man.x