Why Was I Not Enough?

My husband and I have been separated for almost a month because he had an affair. The separation did not come because I kicked him out but rather because he left me for her. At first, I died a little inside. I cried all the time and lived like a zombie. If it were not for my 2 small children, I do not think I would have been able to get out of bed each day. After a few weeks it has been getting easier to deal with the pain. I realized that I cannot make him come home or make him want me instead of her. I just need to give it time and let this affair run its course and I know it will not last. I need to focus on me and the kids and I started to do really well with that. My husband and I were talking more and sharing our thoughts and feelings and even began to laugh and have fun again when we were spending time with the kids. I just feel if she was not still in the picture we may be able to begin to move forward and work on the problems in our marriage. Instead he is wrapped up in her and the "fun" they have together and I cannot deal with it. I know he still loves me and I know that he is still attracted to me and I know that this time apart is actually bringing us closer but she is still there. I just need her to be gone but for some reason he keeps hanging onto the idea that he needs to try things with her for now. Why? Why am I not enough for him? What does she have that I don't? What does she do for him that I can't? I just want him to come home and I am running out of patience living here without him.
catucutie catucutie
36-40, F
9 Responses Dec 8, 2012

I am an OW. My MM has a beautiful, successful, intelligent wife. they have no children. I often wonder what in the world he isn't getting at home. They have money, still have sex, go out together, and take exotic vacations. They've only been married a year and a half, and he and I have been together for 6 months of that.

I have to tell you that the "failure" may not be in you but in him--You are the one he married, had kids with, had a life with. Perhaps he doesn't think he is good enough for you.

And he just might be right.

Try not to beat yourself up over this. Don't see her as being in ANY way better than you. She is not the competition. She is the escape. She's likely going to be the one hurting before long when he realizes that all relationships need work. He may even think he loves her, but when she starts needing things from him and he can't give them to her, he will be right back to feeling like he isn't good enough. For either of you.

If you can treat each other with respect and do right by your kids, divorce might be the best option. For your own sake. You deserve better.

I'm so sorry for your situation! You are very brave and strong woman to give him a chance. I hope he realizes how stupid he is being. It is so easy for people to say, "just leave" and "find another guy". Easy to say, but not easy to do, nor is it always the right thing to do. You have children, are married, and have known him for a long time. Give it a chance. If he doesn't want to change and continues in this, then you will need to decide. But for now, take things one day at a time and get support, see a counselor, talk to good friends (ones who will give you good advice). Hang in there!

That sounds utterly painful...I'm very sorry you have to go through this.

you should go away. he is not into u at all... he may have more women than the one you are aware of... may be a troope he texts them all the time... forget about it

Wow! A bit harsh don't you think? Thanks for your helpful advice, NOT!

Wow! Clearly you have never been in her situation. Those are ridiculous statements you made.

I just posted my own story, which is different than yours, but I can relate with that "Why am I not enough" feeling. For you, I would say to take your focus off of the other woman and direct your focus on him. He made a commitment to be faithful to you and has broken it. You deserve to be angry. He deserves to feel your anger. If you take measures to move away from him and the relationship, you will see where his true loyalty lies.
You are enough. You are worthy of true love and loyalty. It is easy for me to say this to you. Much harder for me to accept it for myself.

good advice... we finally agree upon sothing

Its so sad to read this, but you just have to move on catucutie. The way your ex feels about his girlfriend, you can feel that way about someone new also(even if he has completely moved on, this will still probably eat him up). The idea that a man and a woman are supposed to be married and live happily ever after is just fake; every man i know would cheat on his girl under the right circumstances. Women are truly no better, they are always looking for an upgrade. You just imagine if Brad Pitt walked in with some flowers and charm while your man was away, im pretty sure the panties would be droppin.

You are likely feeling this way somewhat because you either dont WANT to do better than your ex(too much work), or you dont think that you CAN do better than your ex. Go find yourself a better guy, get yourself an upgrade and I smother yourself with some new weiner and I promise you will feel better, or at the very least..you'll get to rub it in. Even if he is completely over you and into his new girl, it will still hurt him somewhat to know that your were kissin on some other guys johnson.

You and I are on these unfortunate paths for a reason. Don't give up yet. As I type this, I am running out of patience myself. I know my husband's relationship won't last either. He's not happy with her. He depressed and still very attached to me. I'm torn as to what to do. I just love him so much. everyone keeps telling me to stay strong so that's what I will tell you even though I know that's not enough. You want and crave his love again. I wish I could help more.

u find another man... this is the best way to deal with it

I wish it were that easy. I have loved him for 1/3 of my life.