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My Husband Cheated And Wants A Second Chance

A few weeks after my husband and I first heard the heartbeat of our child, I discovered a picture of him with a half-naked girl on his phone. Through a gradual unveiling of truths, he now has admitted to having sex with an employee of his a year ago. "It was only a few times and it was just sex" he says, as if that makes it a softer blow to me and I should just get over it. This coming after we've had a few years worth of escalating arguments about his addiction to **** and his flirtatious relationships with all kinds of young women. And a persistent lack of interest in intimacy with me.
As I type, my little baby is pounding on the wall of my belly. I am now 5 months pregnant and so conflicted. This was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I feel disgusted and humiliated. I stubbornly refuse to place any further expectation on my husband. "Do whatever you want, indulge yourself in looking at whatever you want. Just know that there will be consequences. I am not your mother. I am your equal partner who deserves respect and to be cherished." If it weren't for the baby on the way I would not have hesitated to leave him.
This is my first admission of this, but it seems safer in the anonymity of the online world. A month or so ago, I began a relationship with a man. I was in a world of hurt and craving physical comfort. I basically needed a hug and to feel like an attractive person again. He fulfilled those needs. He is a kind person who has many qualities that I always desired in a husband. So, the situation has become more complicated, but I am happy when I am with this man.
As far as my relationship goes with my husband, it is icy, awkward, conversation only when needed. We are basically separated but living together. He is working on recovery from his addiction and counseling to work through his past hurts. Basically doing what I wanted him to do a few years ago. However, I am not who I had been. I am broken and when I think about forgiving and moving on, I become angry and think "it's not fair". He doesn't deserve my forgiveness.
Any feedback?
Rosie201 Rosie201 31-35, F 12 Responses Dec 9, 2012

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Your husband will stop, but now will you? It's complicated but solvable if you want too. Baby is not a way to solve problems, it come from you heart, will and determination to be happy.

Revenge isn't always th answer.

You need to get into counseling with him right away to determine if the relationship can be salvaged. You should put your other relationship on hiatus to give your marriage a chance during this period. You can't be conflicted and make counseling work.
You can't keep a relationship going for the children - ever. It simply doesn't work. And, worst of all, you'll be imprinting your children with a dysfunctional relationship. (we pattern ourselves after our parents most). Better you to divorce if it can't be salvaged.

Two wrongs don't make a right. You certainly didn't make yourself any better by going to that other man. Your husband doesn't sound like the best of guys but he doesn't sound like the worst either. If he is now trying all the things you wanted to before, and you want to stay for the child's sake, then surely you should also be trying to reach out to him ? He should be too, don't get me wrong, but if you are going to stay do it in a positive matter otherwise you will just grow to hate each other and get more and more bitter. If you can't stay positively then leave. No child thrives in an environment where their parents hate each other.

I don't know....from the way you described your new awkward relationship with your husband, it doesn't seem like he is trying his absolute best to make it work! I know you said he is going through counceling but, if he truely loved you, he would be trying to win back your heart??! he may be sticking around for the same reason you are (for the babies sake). In that case the relationship will never work and in the end it will only further hurt your child by being raised a "loveless" family.=( I recommend for both of you to do counceling together and see if there is still love there! If not... move on. GOOD LUCK

I have to say that i was on the other side of this as the cheater...my husband was broken and i was lost didnt know up from down for a while. I have to tell you that even the most innocent things when things are already rough can turn into giant problems. I was always looking for the emotional side it was never just sex for me i always took it beyind that. My husband loved me so much that he gave it time forgave me and after some very hard times and alot of difficult conversations we worked things out and i dont think things have been better! Coming from the other side there is always an underlying issue as to why the person cheats and its almost never because of the partner. Its internal and if you think that you want to move past it you have to be willing to have those very difficult conversations and with each other. Maybe have a mediator like a councelor but never bring others into your relationship it only complicates things further. I really hope this helps and if you have any questions about the other side feel free to message me anytime! GOOD LUCK

Go to marriage counseling now; you are bringing a baby into this mess, Both of you need to figure out why you are in this relationship and if it is going to be for the long run. You don't want to mess up your child' s head. Children see what goes on in a marriage and they internalize it. Dysfunctional relationships are as damaging to a child as physical abuse. Get help for the sake of your child!

Go to marriage counseling now; you are bringing a baby into this mess, Both of you need to figure out why you are in this relationship and if it is going to be for the long run. You don't want to mess up your child' s head. Children see what goes on in a marriage and they internalize it. Dysfunctional relationships are as damaging to a child as physical abuse. Get help for the sake of your child!

My heart goes out to you. Nobody deserves this. Know that you are not alone.

Wait a little. Maybe when the baby is born he will realize how stupid he is. He needs to make you fall in love again, he needs to pursue you and woo you. If he doesn't have the brains to figure that out? Start a new life.

That is aweful of your husband and I would be angry too. If you feel strongly about him not deserving your forgiveness then maybe its time to deciede what to di with your marriage. Have you guys considered marriage counsling? My husband has never done anything like that to me. And, what do I know. But, with marriage it all comes down to how much do you love each other? If you can't forgive and continue...whats left? You are a woman, a mother, and lets face it, women are strong. And, once you make up yyour mind about what you want/need you will be a lot happier. I hope things work out for you and your baby. hugs your way.

Thank you. I am considering marriage counseling, but not ready just yet.

That is so horrible!! I hope you will feel better soon.

It is horrible. Thank you!