My Wife Had An Affair Before We Were Married But Just Confessed

Ok...here goes. The story that I can't let go. We'll start with some background. I know this group is for women trying to get over a husband who had an affair, but I'm thinking a woman's perspective might be helpful to me.

I have been married now for just over 3 years to who I feel is the "love of my life" "soul mate"....call it what you will. We were together about 10 years prior to making it official. The wait wasn't something I necessarily wanted, but something I did to allow her to get over her prior failed marriage.

We met when I was 29 and she was 32. She was going through a divorce and had a 2-year old child. I quickly fell head over heels. I became fully committed to her and to helping raise my new child. Instant family. How could it be any better. After about 8 years into the relationship, She became very sick from a prescription drug poisoning. It took her nearly 2 years to recover from it physically. This was tough on her as she was always an athlete and amazingly beautiful. Psychologically it affected her as well as she went from being the girl that could stop a room when she entered it to one that people would whisper wondering what was wrong with her.

As she was going through this crisis, I was hurting too. Unknown to her to this day I would administer to her during the day and retire to another room to sometimes cry from the pain of seeing her in this condition and from seeing the confusion in her child's face from wondering what was happening to mom.

As she began to improve we discussed our relationship and decided that we truly were a family and decided to get married. A private ceremony was had with just family. I couldn't be happier. She was apparently healthy again, happy again, the physical beauty had returned and I "officially" had my child.

Three years pass. I am laying in bed with my wife after a beautiful session of lovemaking. She turns to me and says, "How would you feel if I told you I let someone else **** the **** out of me?" I was floored. First of all she never talks like this. Secondly, we had always been faithful to each other. I thought she was kidding, so I asked her. She began to cry and said it was was true. Her explanation was that during the time she was sick she felt unattractive (despite my constant reassurances). A man she had met through work would tell her how attractive she was and would invite her to lunch, etc. Eventually lunch turned into more to the point that they were regularly having sex while she was supposedly at work. She began to feel guilty about it and ended the relationship with him. She said he never knew she was in a relationship. He even met her father. She told me her father told her to "stay away from him" else it would ruin her relationship with me.

Of course, me being me, I forgave her and said let's move on. Problem is, 6 months later here I sit at 4 AM, tears in my eyes, writing it anonymously to the world because I can't. I constantly plot the revenge stories....cheat on her, you'll feel better; just leave her; share your intimate photos of her with the others and you'll have your revenge....the list goes on. I do nothing. I love this woman and I love my stepchild.

I constantly wonder, "Why would she do this to me?" Was it because I was the ego driven guy who admittedly was no angel before my relationship with her. Was it because she truly wasn't the woman I idolized and thought she was. Or was it simply something that happened because she was truly at a low point and needed the attention to recover and now felt remorse and needed to confess.

I feel there is no one to turn to. I'm not the type to run to a psychiatrist. My ego gets the best of me, so I don't go to friends. Who wants their friends to know that their wife cheated on them? I don't go to family. Mine would tell me to get a divorce. Hers would be an embarrassment to her and I would never want our child to know.

So here I am. A member of this site for the time it has taken me to write this story. What am I looking for? I don't know, because I don't know what to expect. Maybe some advice. Maybe some one or several someone's to say I'm not the only one this has happened to. Maybe some to tell me to man up and deal with it. Maybe getting it off my chest will be the cure.

Anyway, I welcome responses. I hope they are kind. Heck....maybe no one will even see this and respond. I hope that's not the case but if it is at least I gave it a shot, right?
cj71 cj71
41-45, M
3 Responses Feb 22, 2013

My god That's a very hurtful thing that she told you,and her timing was the crulest. I have been married for 14 yrs and my husband had a 5 yr affair That he swore he ended. Well come to find out Their affair never Even stopped. I thought I could deal with it .HELL NO EVERY DAY I AM CONSUMED WITH REVENGING THE TWO OF THEM! I SCARE MYSELF! SO YES I UNDERSTAND. I FEEL FOR YOU. IM So. SORRY .TAKE CARE

I am sorry that you had to go through this. I feel your pain. Just be strong..

I'm sorry to hear this ...terrible timing to confess to you , wrong , wrong, wrong.
So was the affair, but what's done can't be undone.
You need to ask her what she was thinking when she did that , only she knows .
I wish you well.