My Partner Cheated On Me With A Beautiful Woman - Where Do You Go From There?

In December 2012 my partner came home from work and said he was leaving me for a woman that he had fallen in love with on sight; she felt the same and she was leaving her partner for him. I was totally devastated and we spent the night talking, crying and the next day he moved out. The woman concerned contacted me and ask to meet. I wasn't sure so talked with my friends who said not to but I was curious. I nearly died when I met her, she was young beautiful, a different race to me, completely different body build I am 6FT she was petite about 5FT and completely striking. I spent 3 hours talking with her, she was intelligent, confident, completely charming and sorry for what had happened; she was also secure in the relationship and was content if he continued a platonic relationship with me if that's what I needed. If I am really honest I could see why he was smitten with her and had to admit that if the circumstances were different I might have actually liked her so I began a campaign to discredit her. I told him that she was to good for him and he would have trouble with her because she was so beautiful that there would always be competition and her head might get turned. I invited him for dinner and lunch dates and kept undermining his confidence and obtaining information about her. She was very independent and I know that he prefers dependent women so I used that and said she would never need him as much as I did!. I pressured him for sex during our meetings etc.   The pressure I applied worked and I managed to drive a wedge between them and turn his family against her.  She left him and went back to her partner and he eventually came back to me.  I know he doesn't love me in the heart pounding way he loved her and I know he is heartbroken for her and just goes along in kind of a limbo but I have convinced him that family love is more stable than the desiress love he had for her. I have forbidden him from ever seeing her again and am applying pressure for him to marry me to prove to me that he is true and loyal to me after what he did to me but I know deep down everything is based on a lie - I know what I did was wrong but I did what I needed to do; I want him in any way I can have him even if he doesn't love me - I need advice!

RockinRobyne1 RockinRobyne1
56-60, F
2 Responses Oct 28, 2013

Run... You deserve better than that. The hell was wrong with that other women.. Obviously you would be upset meeting her. She was just trying to rub salt in an open wound. If I was you I'd disappear start new. You are stronger than you think. You don't need your cheating husband. The love at first sight is a big pile of poo for an excuse to be unfaithful. Leave them high and dry and start a happy clean new chapter. You can do it.

Go with it, as long as you don't need to feel happy and loved.

PleHi Kaye,

That's the whole problem I am happy even though I know he doesn't love me. I am 54 and am afraid of being alone, I haven't aged well but try to keep myself looking nice; careful about colours and age appropriate clothes. It was a real shock to me that he could even convince a woman like her to have a relationship with him but they have something in common that we will never have they are both the same race and work in the same area which I think is what brought them together. I have had a series of disasters with men leaving me and taking my assets. I trust this man even though he has cheated on me more that the others. One thing that really struck me when I talked with her was how insightful she was. She told me there was nothing wrong with me but I needed to have more confidence in my self and move socially in better places because there are no good men in the places I frequent - do you know what is so infuriating....... she is right about picking up bad men in bad places. OMG she is perfect in everyway and yet I have him. Do I just need to win (I am a Leo)?, do I just need to have a man to feel validated as a woman because I am aging?. Do you know even though she is younger in her early 40's she never married, she said she never felt the need nor met anyone she wanted to marry but I really feel they would have married each other which is why I am desperate to get him to the alter. Is this older women get reduced to - desperation!.

DO you just need to win? Your story does sound like that was the point, although ... what do you win? You say that you are afraid of being alone, but what could be more lonely than to be with a man you tricked into being with you? Who has demonstrated his readiness to cheat on you? You give yourself the illusion of not being alone because his body shows up, but he is not yours, is he? Not in any true way. Getting him to the alter sounds like you are dooming the both of you to a life of hell.

If I were you, I'd seriously consider a vow of celibacy for a time period -- a few months, a year -- and use that time to get in touch with yourself: what do you enjoy doing, what are you good at, learn to love yourself.

Only then can true love with another follow. At any age.

Your writing reveals that you know better. Practice being your better self, and you will be the lovable woman who will attract the right man. Best of luck.

Thanks for your reply, it doesn't consolidate my thinking though because I have spent years on self improvement; books, I have even resorted to Tarot and Astrology to find a framework to understand myself and adjust accordingly. Your advice coupled with hers is sound but easier said than done. I live in a poor neighbourhood and have a low level job so having a man that will stay with me seems like the best out of 3, if that makes sense. In some ways he is using me too, he has come quite close to saying I can do better than you and you know it; so he is just as manipulative. Is this just a game?.

I have attracted some friends who seem to support what I am saying but no further advice!. Is this what happens to us that our self esteem is so low that we will take the crap they hand out. Are we so desperate that we pretend like I do that it doesn't matter if the man doesn't love me. The woman concerned texted me a few months ago to see how I was; I mean this is what she is like; dam perfect she told me that my real danger was if another woman said "yes" like she did - at first I thought she was being bitchy then I realised that she was telling me he is the hunter but it really came down to whether the other person accepted. During our separation I lost a lot of weight because of the shock but have put it all back on now that I am in a happier place and have been steadily drinking throughout. What keeps coming into my mind is the fact she was so beautiful but she doesn't have him - I do.

He cheated on you! It does not matter if she is beautiful or not. You think you won and you didn't. You lost and you lost badly. The only person who 'won' in the situation is the 'mistress'. She got to walk away and trust me this has nothing to do with her looks. She will recover. You are pathetic. Get some help. At least he fell in love and followed his heart and you? You went out of your way to serve your mental disability needs to destroy everybody's happiness, including your own. You will suffer, no doubt. He will never forgive you this.

You have lots of issues. What you did is basically caused him pain (yes I know you feel you are a scorned one, but what about let them go and see if they get back to you?), and I see why he was not happy with you. What you did is a bad karma and you might want to see some therapy for your self-esteem issues.

As Kaye told you, develop some life of your own and you will attract a right partner. This guy is not attracted to you and that is the point of a marriage.

I feel sorry for you. This woman went out of her way to be nice to you and you?

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