So Disappointed...

My husband and I have been trying now for a year. I feel like such a failure. Women are supposed to get pregnant, make babies and keep the family lines going. But, I haven't been able to do any of it. My husband is so sweet and he says that it's okay and we can just keep trying, but all of the disappointment doesn't make me want to try anymore. Honestly, it makes me want to give up. The past few days really have been torture. 

I woke up yesterday and there was blood on the tissue when I went potty. I counted the days in my head, then on the calendar and I concluded my period was 5 days early. That is SO abnormal for me. As the day went on, the bleeding didn't get heavier and I didn't have cramps. It just sort of dwindled away. I thought that was really strange and I stumbled on an article about implantation bleeding. I thought maybe, that was it. I let myself feel happiness. I let myself  fantasize about how I would tell my mom and what the name would be. I let myself get excited and I started thinking that all the success stories I have been reading for a while were finally happening to me. I went to sleep last night with a smile on my face and woke up with a smile. I was happy. I was wowed by the idea that a little life was beginning to form inside of me. I was so freaking happy! 

This morning, I went potty and more blood was on the tissue. I literally cried. If it was implantation bleeding, I wouldn't still be bleeding. This was an early period and I couldn't be more depressed, sad and aggravated. I cried for over an hour this morning. It's a combination of feeling like crap that I can't give my husband the child we both want, allowing myself to get excited about something that I know wasn't for sure yet and knowing that I am going on Clomid in a few weeks. I am terrified. I really wanted to do this naturally. I wanted to prove to everyone that we can do this on our own. But this morning, it was proven to me that I can't. 

I am so sad. I see all these people with beautiful babies and some of these people are SCUM! I know my husband and I have what it takes to be great parents! We both have good jobs, a strong relationship and college educations. We have a 'baby fund' with more than enough money to sustain a child until college, or they can use it to pay for college and have some left over. We have EVERYTHING we need for a baby... the only thing we are missing is a baby. 

We could always adopt, but I really wanted to see what kind of person would result out of the two of us. I had hopes of a baby with his blue eyes and dimples and me with my strong family influence of looks. I wanted them to be bright and creative and just a perfect blend of the two of us. If we adopt, I will know that we don't share any of the genetic make up with that child. I won't be able to say 'wow, they look just like you' to family or my husband. I will never recognize anyone in their look. But, if that is the only option I have, I suppose I could do it. 

I am SO upset. I feel like I was so close to having a child. I feel like I was cheated, let down and teased. I feel like I am mourning a death, almost. Even though there was never a baby there. I feel so stupid for getting my hopes up. I allowed myself to dream and get excited. I feel like a fool.
GypsySun GypsySun
31-35, F
7 Responses Jul 13, 2010

I totally feel your pain. I've cried over so many periods I have lost count. It's been three years for me and I see friends and family having babies and I resent them. Because they didn't have to try so hard. But I keep telling myself when I do get pregnant it's going to be one special child having to wait this long for the right soul to be available. It's either that or become a bitter lady who tells pregnant people where to go. :). (not that I actually would). It's just frustrating.

I totally feel your pain, we tried for 7 months and I finally got pregnant only to have a miscarriage at 6 weeks. We conceived again after 1 yr of trying and now we have a darling baby girl!

I also took clomid and metformin after discovering I have PCOS!

My advice is to keep trying, get yourself and hubby checked out. Sometimes things just take a while to get right! My doc gave me two pieces of great advice, 1) try 3 times a week as sometimes the tests aren't 100% accurate and 2) make love not babies!

We got pregnant finally when we were on clomid and trying 3 times a week for a whole month!

Good luck it will be worth it!

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and the feeling of failure is horrible. I really hope you and your husband are able to conceive the baby you want so much!

there is alot of pain and heartache deep withing your story, i will say this and hopefully it will help.<br />
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stopping trying for a while is a good way to go, perhaps getting yourself both tested and making sure all bits are working well, sometimes making sure there is nothing wrong, just wrong timing.<br />
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my ex and i tried and tried, worked 1 time and she terminated then when she wanted one it never happened, then she letft me, met someone and got pregs almost instantly and kept it. point is, sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesnt, and if you need to get some outside help, then try, there are alot of little things you can do to increase you chances of making a baby, things that you both can take, a good thing is for you to tease the hell out of each other for a week or more, but dont *** and do not have sex, then just do it, sometimes a mans *** will get thicker and there will be more ***** and a woman will ****** so hard she helps the process.<br />
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i will say this dont loose hope and dont give up, there are always reason and there are always answers, just relax and dont push it, they say a child choose's his/her parents, maybe there isnt a child who has found you yet... give it time

I am so sorry for your experience. Unfortunately I know the failure feeling. I got pregnant Aug '08 after my first try and we told everyone. I miscarried September 7th and I felt like not only did I let down myself and my husband but everyone that knew I was pregnant. I literally did experience a death. The death of my baby. It literally took me till 2 months ago to start trying again. The miscarriage scarred me emotionally. This time I got a clear blue easy fertility monitor so I knew exactly what days to have sex to give me the best chances of getting pregnant again. I tried every day it showed for me as peak days and I didn't get pregnant. This month I started taking ibuprofin. I have rheumatoid arthritis and it can be filled with devestatingly painful days. I went off all my prescribed medication and was on only tylenol all last month but it was the worst pain I've ever experienced. Literally, every day it felt like I got ran over by a car. It hurt to even move. Anyway, this month I decided I would take ibuprofin because I feel so much better on it than tylenol. But after some research online I found out taking ibuprofin or any NSAID can cause interference witih ovulation and therefore a chance of conceiving. Have you been taking any advil, motril, ibuprofin...anything that would be considered an NSAID? Also have you and your husband been tested fertility wise? There could be something medically wrong that could cause the delay in getting pregnant. You would get checked through your OB-GYN and if you take your husband they can usually do a blood test on him as well or direct you to who needs to do his test. Anyway, I hope this info helps. I feel and know your pain all too well.

I know what your feeling and hubby and I have been trying for over a year. I did come close to getting pregnant myself. Told my parents, my friends the moment I got a positive test. Most people have faint lines on a test and end up having a full pregnancy. I ended up getting a late period. So disappointed. We are good people too. Like I said, I know what your feeling.

the best way tyo get pregnant is to stop trying lol .. seriously with u trying to get pregnant u tend to think about it too much n for sum reason the body doesnt respond to the stress well so just relax and wen its ready to happen it will happen ..