My Journey

I've been wanting to blog about this for sometime but needed the appropriate venue.  I dont feel like the world wants to or needs to know about MY troubles. My husband and I have a 4 year old son.  It was so easy the first time.  It seemed like we decided to start trying to get pregnant and then we were.  I guess I just took it for granted that everytime would be that easy.  Boy was i wrong.  My husband and I have been trying for over a year now.  The medical community says there is nothing wrong with me and my oriental medical provider can't seem to figure it out either.  My husband tries to be supportive but we deal with the disappointment in such different ways. I cry, feel anxious, and want to question God and he has faith that everything will happen when it's supposed to happen.   I feel like i am living my life one month at a time and it is the same whirlwood of emotions each month.   Trying to time things just right, the anticipation, the hope, the longing, and then the inevitable let down.  I feel like I'm putting my like on hold with the anticipation of getting pregnant, which I am willing to do but then feel guilty for missing out on things.  I want another baby so badly.  The secret part of me, the part of me that would never say this out loud says that this is God's punishment, not for anything I've done but for what I have not done.  Faith.  About two years go a my best friends brother and his wife stopped using birth control because they wanted to have faith in God that he would do with their lives what he wanted.  If it was meant for them to have a baby then God would make it happen and if not they would not get pregnant.  I thought this was ridiculous.  My exact words were " it's not about faith, if you dont use birth control and you have sex you will get pregnant".  I guess this is my lesson, that it is faith and God's will that provides you what he wants you to have in life.  I wish that were enough for me, I wish I could hand everything over to God, I don't know how. 
stebecjac stebecjac
2 Responses Jul 20, 2010

I am know how you feel. I hope nothing but the best for you and your family. I know at times Faith can be the hardest thing to hold on to

I relate completely. Let me say, that as far as religion goes, I feel the same way. My family is intensely religious. I have reverends, pastors and Bishops in my family. My husband and I are not active in church. We both have been burned and hurt by corrupt churches and false promises, so when we built our own family, we left the religion thing out of the equation. So, now we are trying to conceive and it isn't happening. I have to wonder if it is because we left religion out. EVeryone who is religious seems to be having babies (including those who have ZERO business having children) without a problem. <br />
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For over a year now, my husband and I have been trying. Sadly, nothing has happened. I started my first round of Clomid on Friday, so we will see what happens with that. Just know that you are not alone and when that baby comes, it will be worth the wait.