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Getting More Difficult (vent)

I've not been thin-ish since probably before middle school but while I was always ashamed to be in a two piece or naked in front of a lover it didn't bother me that much, I still had lovers and all that. I was biggest is high school at 180ish (I'm 5'3 3/4)and after high school 20 lbs melted off for no reason-I think pizza at school everyday played into it but no proof. I'm embarrassed to work out even at home, I need total privacy no one can walk in on me or disturb me, unless you join me. After my baby I'm getting closer to 180 everyday, I'm not athletic so the workouts my mom and brother do are too hardcore for me. I even joined a fitness group at church but we meet once a week, sometimes not even that, we've been doing zumba and it's fun I'm not doing it nearly enough for results. It's hard with the baby b/c she can't just watch for too long or she cried in boredom or ruins my groove.

I have a fiance whose thin, very skinny compared to me and I sometimes can't see him seeing me as attractive, even if I find myself attractive. I'm afraid to get skinny and lose my curves, I love them and it's given me the excuse to be lazy. One thing I really wish is to lose weight in my legs...I've not been able to buy shoes above the ankle b'c they're too big and with big feet and big legs it's hard as hell to find good shoes. anyway I recently came to terms with  sugar addiction, not clinical but I tried to simply not have sweets, and my mom bakes sometimes twice a week, and when she cooks a rare dish like enchilada's,  tamales, or lasagna I over indulge and eat too much.

I am trying to watch portions so I eat oatmeal for breakfast, a pb&j for lunch and dinner time is my trouble time...it have to keep it consistent and routine for now b/c if not I'll slip from that simple plan. Playing with the baby is not enough, she has me running around, crawling on all fours, doing squats and all but I'm still gaining.

I kinda hit a breaking point Saturday, we celebrated her 1st birthday and I found myself taking all the pictures and avoiding the camera. On Thursday I felt like a sexy vixen but seeing the pics from Saturday had me feeling low and foolish. Tomorrow I plan to get hardcore with it, no sweets for a week then if I manage that nothing with sugar; like juice and fruit...any advice?

It's a big chaotic but I'll talk about anything except my weight...till now. I just hate being the girl who can't appreciate what she has. When a person whose smaller than me complains of their weight I get mad so I figure it's the same for people are dealing with a struggle bigger than mine but it's finally started to disturb how I live and concentrate.
XioBlue XioBlue 22-25, F 1 Response Mar 18, 2012

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