Bizarre Childhood Makes Me Feel "Less Than"

I know nobody really grew up in a Brady Bunch or Leave It to Beaver family, hardly anyone, anyway.  But God!  My family was just... wow.  We didn't have much money, lived in a ghetto-ish area, parents drank a lot & fought violently.  VIOLENTLY.  So many memories of just crouching in a corner & screaming, pulling at my hair, begging them to stop.  It hurt because I thought:  they must be lying, they say the love me but a mommy & daddy who love you would never do this, would never make you feel this way & then ignore your screams... the s*** that went on!

Police were there ALL the time... my pregnant 16 yr. old sister's boyfriend was beat to death w/ a baseball bat right in front of our house... and then those idiots were dumb enuf to TELL us... I was 4, my brother was 3.  They were kind enough to add the important detail that he was "gobbling, like a turkey."  It's a wonder I can even stand Thanksgiving. 

Once I came home from school for lunch & a neighbor mom tried to get me to go to her house instead, told me I didn't want to go in there.  But I did... house was destroyed, there were HATCHET marks on 2 of the doors!

Of course I was terrified to bring any new friends home.  Didn't really have many of those anyway, as I got fat, turning to food for solace, I guess. 

I could go on and on... long story short, I guess that's why I still feel "less than" deep inside.  I guess that's why I live inside of a shell, where my shame can hide out & never be discovered.

BUT!!!!  I'm working on it.  It's just hard.  Very very hard.

2Quirky 2Quirky
51-55, F
2 Responses Feb 18, 2009

u CANNOT do it all by urself. u need good friends and people around u and most importantly u need God.u might think He has never been ther for u, but no.He has been there but u never showed it that u needed His help.He said in His word"draw nigh to me and i will draw nigh to u". u make the first move by acceptin Him as ur God and ur Lord, seek Him daily in prayers, praises and reading the me, try it and u will be fulfilled.and happy with urself.

2Q shame theirs no shame ...... This was not your doing in fact you have to be commend for coming through , so don't let the past bring you down put it were it belongs ...... in the past . Look forward every day and live life to the full .... :o)