Why Did Surgery Have To Be The Trigger To My Emotional Pain....

So I sit here, 3 weeks in recovery from the first medical procedure I have had in my life, and I found myself in the strangest place mentally, that I have ever been. Over the past few weeks I have uncovered an enormous amount of emotional pain, guilt, and sadness that I have been suppressing for the past 30 years. I don't know what is going on, but I think that I was starting to go crazy...like mental...why couldn't I stop crying?? I then realized (with much help) that I was feeling the way I was due to my "emotional issues" that I have been building up and never let out. I thought I knew what they were and I thought I kept them way hidden. I was wrong - very wrong. I thought I had control of everything in my life, but I didn't.....

This is where I am:
I recently turned 30
I am single - married once, separated 4 months later, still not "technically" divorced, and just broke up with my "rebound" boyfriend of the past 2 years
I have ADD and Anxiety - but not diagnosed until 28 & 29 years old.
I have a bachelor's degree in Accounting and am in the process of becoming a CPA I smoke cigarettes and pot and have since the age of 14.
I don't drink (not since I started the ADD meds)
I come from a family of 6 kids - 3rd in line, and have classic symptoms of "Middle Child Sydrome"
I am depressed, lonely, sad, bored, and wondering what the hell life is supposed to be!!!!

I just had surgery, but I am not recovering well. The doc told me at my follow up that all my pain was in my head - that I had emotional issues. I am not going to get into the details of how traumatic THAT experience was, but let me assure you, it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But as I sat here, I slowly realized that he was unfortunately right. I DID have emotional issues. I had so many more issues that I ever thought. I have realized over the past few days why I am the way I am - I think - but I don't know. I can't focus long enough to figure it out. Hence, why I started my first blog. For anyone who is interested, more to come soon. Gotta stop thinking for now.
maryscrazylife maryscrazylife
26-30, F
Aug 8, 2010