Stupid Emotions - Why Did You Have To Come Out Of Hiding?!!!

From the outside, I seem like your typical 30 year old professional woman, but on the inside, I am a scared, lonely child. I recently underwent surgery (exploratory laparotomy, LEEP, cyst removal) and was scolded badly by my doctor when I asked for more pain medication 5 days afterwards. I was told that I suffered from emotional distress. At the time, I thought he was crazy. He wasn't crazy, because it was true.

As the days went by, I sat here on my couch and realized that I have NO ONE to help me. I kicked my ex boyfriend out of the house after my first week home because he brought out my anxiety big time - and the anxiety I has having from surgery alone was more than I could handle. He was not a very stable person and I have no idea why I was with him for 2 years, or why I fell in love with him in the first place. I sat here and cried, cried, and cried. I didn't know what I was crying about, but couldn't stop, especially when I realized it was 2am and I had NOBODY to call. I had isolated myself completely. After all of these years of trying to be the "funny, happy-go-lucky" girl that everyone knew, I had absolutely no "true" friends to show for it. I should have been able to call someone in my family, but that was not an option - they didn't care. They never cared when I was upset, so what would it matter now?

I got down to a real bad place in my head. I'm sure some of you can relate. I have many issues, and many secrets that I have kept hidden well. I was always able to snap out of it and calm myself down. Due to, of course, my various "outlets" for taking my mind away - whether it be smoking, popping pills, or playing Wii mindlessly for hours, I would ALWAYS suppress it. I had my weaknessess, my curses, my demons, my addictions - but you would never know it from the outside.
From the outside, I am a funny, witty, very intelligient, easy-going girl - the person that gets along with everyone (heck - I was even named class clown senior year!). The real me was insecure, unstable, depressed, scared, and terrified of my secrets getting out - of people finding out that the person they see, is NOT who I am. In fact, I didn't even know who I was anymore. Who am I? The one thing I know for sure is that I am a girl who wants love, and has had some rare encounters with it, but they never last. All I really want is love. That perfect love - your best friend and the person that can make you laugh all day long, but cry with you about your deepest fears. I have always felt that once I find that, all of my bad feeling will go away. Nope - I have to make them go away first. I can't keep living the way I have been. I need to make changes - but how? I have no idea. I HATE eating healthy, I HATE exercising, I LOVE smoking and taking pills, but that can't go on. I want to be successful. I want to have a family. I want to be stable and I want to really feel what life is all about. But I can't do that until I spill out all of my anger and hurt that have been buried inside of me. I have no idea what is going to come.
maryscrazylife maryscrazylife
26-30, F
Aug 8, 2010