Hurt And I Don't Know What To Do

Hi, I've been married for the last five years and three weeks ago my husband told me he hasn't wanted to be married to me in the last three years.

Background: When I met my husband nearly six years ago I was working full time nights in a hospital as a medtech and finishing my last year of chiropractic school, so I had very limited time, at one point we decided to move in together, we decided to move into a central location since we both lived in separate states. My husband asked me to quit working my job and he would take care of the bills. I was really hesitant to quit working. I have lived by myself since I was 16 and never relied on anyone for financial help, I also didn't feel comfortable relying on someone else since we were not married at the time, but I felt as though it would move in that direction. Before we even moved I was very open about my debt, I gave him access to everything so he would know what he was getting himself into, I hid nothing from him. After, he asked me to marry him we talked about how my school loans would be paid and how I would start my own business/practice. He said once we were married he would help me pay my school loans and start a practice. So, I agreed to marry him (not that he had to twist my arm). We decided that it would be best to move to his home town since he already had a couple of businesses started. However, I still had to pass my boards, unfortunately, I could not pass them for whatever reason and the state we live in will only allow you take your boards so many times before you have to go back to school for it again ( who has the money to do that?) not to mention at some point you really have to question yourself and what you really want to do in life. I don't blame my husband for my failure, but I was really depressed for a while and maybe I should have went to counseling, but I didn't. Instead, I pulled myself up by my boot straps and went out to try to find a medtech job, I found one, but my husband threw a fit about it because it was the night shift, so I declined the job, which pretty much burned my bridges in this small town to ever find another medtech job in the local hospital. So, at this point I'm jobless, we're living with his mom until we find a house and my school loans are not getting paid since he decided that he would help me pay my loans by paying the mortgage and utilities after we found a house. I didn't really like the arrangement because if he ever decided to move out of his mom's house again he would still have to pay those things, but I digress they are my school loans, I never really expected him to pay them. Since, I could not find a job his business partner offered me a position with his company repairing computers. I'm grateful for the opportunity, it is a skill I would have never learned on my own, however, I'm bored out of every last brain cell, unchallenged and not living up to my potential or my goal to make a difference in the world. He also decided after we were married and living in this god forsaken town that he no longer wanted to have children with me. I was really hurt, I'm still hurt. Five years later it is still a bone of contention because I'm coming up on 37, I don't have a lot of time left to reproduce. However, at this time I am not realistically in a place to have children. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, because I've lost myself and now the rest of my story about trying to save my marriage continues......

My husband told me he never really wanted to get married (so why did he ask me?). He told me that I am a looser and that he has often thought over the years he could find better. He told me I wasted his youth and that he would probably live by himself for the rest of his life because the women he meets will either want children or have them and he doesn't want to go through that again. He also said that I spend all his money (granted he pays none, zip, zero, nada of my bills). He said he had nothing more to give to our marriage and the only support he could offer at this time is financial support and that if I wanted this marriage to work I would have to fight for him. He just wants his space. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he doesn't know. I asked him if he wanted to separate and I gave him scenario's that I thought would be appropriate. I told him he could go stay with his mom (which would be the best option, he said I could stay with her, which would be ridiculous, she's not my mother), he said he will not leave his own house. I could get an apt that he could finance or I could move back to my home town, but if I go back home it would be highly unlikely that I would come back. I also told him I would be taking the dogs and he said he would fight me for them even though he doesn't take care of them and my name is on the ownership of them.. He will not even let them outside if he comes home from work first. He also told me I'm delusional and live in a fantasy land. He told me I have no concept of reality. I pointed out to him, I had a career as a med tech before I met him and gave it up for him when we moved in together (which was my first mistake) and that I had lived in my own apt by myself with no financial help from anyone for almost 16 yrs before I met him. He also said if he wanted a stay at home wife (even though technically I work 32-36 hrs in his business), not to mention I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and yard work and take care of the dogs without any help from him, at least I could do is stay in shape for him ( he was a dough boy when I met him and he has only put on weight since we've been married), pointing out once again that I have put on some weight since we have been married. I didn't leave him when he decided to contact his ex girlfriend (who has five illegitimate children that she has since abandoned- I guess that is doing better than me). He told his ex girlfriend that he was still in love with her and that the love in our marriage was dead and that I am needy. He also tried to initiate a sexual relationship with her, he said he didn't sleep with her, but at this point I don't believe him. If you're wondering how I found this information out, I hacked his email, which I know was wrong on so many levels, but I was tired of being ignored, stonewalled and treated like crap. I wanted to know what he was doing behind my back. I'm getting over my state of shock. I'm hurt beyond words. I'm finally just getting to the point where I can function without crying. I talked to my father-in-law (since my husband is a lot like him) about everything that was going on, he told me I should stay in the house and tell my husband to go, which I did, but my husband did not leave, now he comes home and locks himself in his office or the bathroom with his laptop, which is more painful than I can even begin to describe. I sit isolated in our home with a virtual stranger. I cannot even begin to describe the pain it causes me when he completely closes me off to him. I know I shouldn't care after everything that we've been through, but I do. I've also gone to see a therapist several times in the last couple of weeks, she told me if he is not willing to work on it than I should just move on. On Labor Day, my husband and talked about our marriage, and I've been listening with my ears and my heart wide open. I can see where I need to improve on some things about myself and I am willing to try, but he also needs to work on a few things. So here we are trying to work on our issues and then I find out today that he has an ad on a personals website, he states "Married man looking for woman to spice up his sex life! In open marriage (wife allows sex but does not want to know)." If you're wondering how I know this a friend of mine emailed the links to me. We never agreed to any type of open marriage, not once! How many times am I supposed to look away? I'm not even going to mention it. I'm just going to start packing. It's not worth it to me anymore. Why do I want to hold onto this marriage so badly? Why am I waiting for someone that treats me like crap to change? He's never going to change and five years from now I don't want to be in the same place. I don't want to be making minimum wage while my school loans pile up, it's just stupid that I've wasted this much time with my thumb up my butt, waiting for what? The only person that can change is me, I don't know why I'm so afraid to change. It's not like never been on my own. I've probably never been this financially strapped, but whatever, I'll just work it out. It would be easier if I had some direction as far my career goes but maybe I need to get out of this situation before I can find those answers.

So, that's my current story - dazed, lost and confused
knone knone
1 Response Sep 13, 2012

If he perceives that you don't value yourself then he will not value you... You need to separate for a while just so you can fine yourself again. That doesn't mean that you give up on the marriage. It just means you have lost your balance and you need to regain it.

Loosing weight would be good for yourself esteem but you should do it for you and not for him. When he does become interested again you are going to have to create some boundaries for you and for him. You let him tell you who you were even though you knew it wasn't right. You two need to start over and figure out what made you fall in love/like in the first place. And it looks like both of you could do with some pre-marriage counseling. In the end you might decide to go your separate ways but you can do it wishing each other well and wanting the other person to be happy. And trust me 37 is still young!!!! However you have a point about reproducing concerns. Perhaps you can have some of your eggs freeze dried for future possibilities.