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Sad To Become Fortyish

i'll be 39 this year and sad of turning forty next year..at 38 my life is upside down..I left my career,resigned from a high-paying job of ten years to be domesticated to save my marriage but it didn't do anything. This year before having my birthday in october, I have to start all over again from scratch..I have two kids and they're still so young.  My husband supports them even if we're not together anymore.  We have a business which he handles alone because I was the one who left our home though It's my money which started that business. I earned more than he did before. I'm living with my kids in my mother's home. I really have to get back to work because the money he's giving me is not enough, I am not used of having just a limited amount every week to pay for everything. I hope before turning forty, I can arrange my life the way it should be like those times when am still working, not worrying about money-so I can give a comfortable life to my kids with or without my husband's help because I dreaded everytime he visits and indirectly saying that I'm a big spender. I cannot even buy my cosmetics/toiletries now because I have to prioritze the needs of my children. It's  a big adjustment but I have to deal with it than living with my husband under the same roof to endure the agony of being an unfit wife for a philandering man. I enjoy the company of my kids and  being away from him  is so much refreshing.  I just have to kick back my career and find a nice job  to complete  my life. I hope it happens and wish everything  falls into right places before I turn forty.
0fairytalePrincess 0fairytalePrincess 36-40, F 107 Responses Jun 7, 2010

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i am 40 in november i have no family and am starting again from scratch with a heartache at losing the man i love somuch i just keep thinking how sad it all is even when i get over the heartache whats left endless days at work to pay rent n bills n coming home to nobody to share my life with it all seems so pointless i understand how your feeling honey im so scared that is is my life i just want to go home n im devastated everyday all i do is sit n cry n not want to go anywhere i just want my life n man i love back x

Scaffygirl, I'm 51. I'm an only child, could not have kids & have zero family. All I really have is my career. My job demands all my attention. I also live alone. I once felt just like you. Depressed & in complete despair & hopless. I used to have dreams where I came home to a dark, empty home & open up a can of beans for dinner. Then I realised I had 2 options.Either get busy living or plan for my funeral. It wasn't easy but I got busy living. Not having family I chose my own. I have some terrific friends who i dearly love & it's reciprocal. I hooked up with my old, old friends too & it's been great. To combat that lonesome feeling at home I got a dog and now have 3 dogs & 2 cats. I've gotten involved in breed clubs which has been good for me and good for the dogs. I've met so many people. I decided to do everything I enjoy, all the things I'd forgotten about. My life is much fuller at this point. I'm happier & open to knew things I'm dating as well. I hope you can come out of that bad place. Maybe my story will help you. Good luck and God bless.

Thank you estherlolly. I needed to read your words today more than you know. God Bless you :)

we really have to deal with our own misfortune. I don't know what happened between you and your beloved but it's a good thing you have work to focus on. You're still busy everyday though you resent the fact of coming home and be alone. I hope we're just neighbors so I can sleep over with my kids and pester you for a night..lol.. Hope you can find another love with a man who will love you back the same way you love him. Wishing you happiness at forty.

It will happen, I felt like you before I hit 40, I thought I had nothing and I was nothing, but bit by bit I built a better life getting back to work and healing from a relationship. I honestly never imagined I would be where I am today. Sure I would like that partner to make it complete but just that time by self has helped me grow as a person and love the person I am. <br />
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Good luck job hunting!!

thanks Supagloo for giving a positive outlook.

lol if only it would be so much easier to have a friend who understand and cud come over n hang out n comfort each other can u move to my neighbourhood then lol xx

hahaha..i guess that's far from reality lol..we're so continent apart!..why, don't you have friends or neighbors you can confide?..it's easy to unleash the burden if there's someone to talk to personally. .but of course, am still here if you really wanna share some moments.

I had a 5 bed house sports car and money in the bank, now after two broken relationships where they both cheated on me, I am 46 a single dad of a 10 year old girl and living in a room at my sisters without a job without a home and no money , and I have somehow got to pick myself up and start again, my family life which i cherished so much is gone. you would think that I would be depressed at the prospect, but I have my daughter and an ex stepson that both love me and cried to there mother not to split up with me.<br />
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I believe that the trick is patience, one day at a time, slowly and surely you will rise up again and show the world your true worth, we can control our own destiny and fate and help steer our children the best we know how .<br />
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You have to believe in yourself and have enough faith that its not that hard to do and you have a reason to do it, your children are all the reason i need to succeed and I will, as I will not be beaten.<br />
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I think acknowledging your situation on here is the first step in putting your world back to where you want it to be.<br />
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I wish you all the best, i will not wish you luck as you do not need it only conviction that you will get what you want and the desire to do it for your children.<br />
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Take care<br />
Tony

Even though you wrote this for songforana I want to say thank you from hearing it from a guy. It's encouraging and motivating.

Man you're really strong, you made me fear from the future, I really respect it in you, to be able to continue like this.
Good luck with your life, I hope you find happiness soon.

Yeah good on u tony. Fight on I say. I met a bloke who told me a similar story as u. Last time I met him he was all excited coz he was dating a woman with money and was looking forward to some role reversal after being cleared out by 3 ex wives!

I'm 61, no kids, no husband, my life is my own & I do what I want all the time.<br />
Sounds grand, doesn't it..?? But my life is so uncomplete w/o a man.<br />
I date constantly, but dating takes so much time and effort, especially if it's the same guy, because<br />
when I'm in a relationship, I spoil my man. Out of respect, I try to make sure my casual dates have one of the best days of their lives when they use their time for me. <br />
Once I was wondering why my husband didn't act like he used to, so I approached him flirting as though I was single -- his response was immediate and he reacted just like the man I fell in love with..........All that to say, don't forget how to flirt with your man.<br />
Own your man. When he calls or walks in the room.........nothing else matters................nothing...

Linda, it’s a shame that the men you are going out with couldn’t take the time to make their date with you one of the best days of your life. I assume that these fellows are as considerate of you with sex ? “when they use their time for me” it looks to me as if you think they are doing you a favor dating you. In my opinion (and we know what they say about that) you should find someone that wants to rock your world and enjoys being with you and doing things for you. I know you put a lot of planning into a date, and that is super for a special occasion but you need to find someone that you can just hang out with and enjoy each other’s company . to sum this up : I think you are giving yourself the short end of the stick
Well thanks anyhow for reading.

this is amazing advice. I'm only (don't want to write my age on the internet), anyway, I recently broke up with my partner and that is exactly what I forgot to do, I forgot to put him first and give him an amazing time when he was with me, I forgot to appreciate the fact that he went out of his way to see and call me, I focussed on other things and other people, not because I didn't know better.. I just lost touch, I forgot who I was, only to remember and resavour once we had broken up. So this advice from you, here, is golden.

Thank you Angelcar for the confirmation. I was reminded by Turnkey1 that to "Be with the ONE", it's either right on right now or it's not, regardless of the effort. Same rules apply, but the highs are higher &amp; the lows are devastatingly exhausting. Guess it just depends on where you like to glide in life. My latest joke: "If you were a pogo stick in life, would you stick out?"

I mostly wanted to know if you were someone who was discussing my LIVER &amp; apparently not, so thank you for confirming that.

U either enjoy your time with someone or u don't I reckon. I don't like being spoilt or given gifts much. My wife does she says, but she's so critical of things I give her that I have now told her that she will get zero from me on her bothday and xmas. I'm not putting up with that anymore.

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I am 56 and starting over in much the same way. Hang in there you can do it! As far as cosmetics goes, there are cheaper alternatives, if you look around you may find something that works as well or nearly as well as what you wish you could buy. Me...I dont use make up...doesnt seem to matter to anyone wether I do or not and it just feels so fake on my face.

Goodness me! Turning 40 is wonderful. I had a rough time in my 30s with a philandering husband, who departed when I was 36. We had no kids - supposedly all my fault, however since proven to be his fault. For me turning 40 was my own life turning point, time to put all the stuff others had done behind me and re-invent myself. That is what I did. <br />
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I have had lots of male friends of convenience, and that is an arrangement that suited me at the time - selfish, yes and self preservation is an instinct one should never, ever ignore. I found that the happier I was within myself, the more confidence and happinness that I projected to the world at large, which only feeds a positive spiral. <br />
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Go out, be a whole woman, be a whole woman with a family, and don't accept 2nd best, and good things will come your way.

oops forgot to mention that I turn 50 in a few weeks time, and plan another decade just like the last one!

i am 50 yrs old and i am just happy to be alive and well, bless the lord oh my soul and all that is within me bless his holy name. you should be thanking God that your situation is the way it is .<br />
Why i say so. many times we live with men that are not good for us, we miss all the good things they used to do for us, and why did it turn out so bad if they were doing all that amount of good, honey. your life has just begun, better days are coming, tell yourself that, and you work towards it, disappiontments a bound to come our way as long as we live in a upside down world like the one we live in. But disappointment only help to make a stronger and better person if we learn from our mistakes and failures, the most important thing is you still have Jesus on yourside, and you have your beautiful children,and with these two elements and the strength you posses inside and the fact that your a woman, girl you will definitley make it, its only a woman who have been hurt, battered a nd bursied and get up again , makes it to the end, just trust in the lord and make him f irst in your life pray every day and ask him your heart desires and if it is his will, he will certainly bring it to pass, i will pray for you that the father gives you the s trength and the courage you need to make it,and i pray for you that you will trust him, the rest is up to love,, PRAYER. move MOUNTAINS> GOD IS BIGGER THAN ALLL OUR PROBLEMS, BIGGER THAN THING, TRUST HIM, HE WILL SEE YOU THROUGH,ALL THE BEST. LOVE YOU.

ONE MORE THING,YOU DONT NEED A MAN TO VALUDATE YOU, YOU ARE A WOMAN, AND THAT IS THE IMPORTANT THING,SONT GET ME WRONG HAVING A GOOD MAN IN YOUR LIFE IS A BLESSING, BUT REMEMBER IF YOU DONT LOVE YOURSELF ,NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO LOVE YOU LIKE YOU DO,AND WHAT YOU DONT NEED ,YOU CAN PROBERLY LIVE WITHOUT, ONE THING I KNOW YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT IS JESUS, HE IS THE ONE THAT WAKE YOU UP IN THE MORNING ,KEEP YOU IN PERFECT HEALTH,TAKES CARE OF YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY AND NIGHT, HE SAY CALL UPON ME WHEN YOU ARE IN TROUBLE AND HE WILL ANSWER YOU, HE SAYS HE WILL SUPPLY ALL YOUR NEEDS NOT WANTS. HE HAS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND, WHAT A GOOD PLACE TO BE, YOUR 40 THAT A PRETTY GOOD PLACE TO START , LIFE BEGINS A T 40, AND ITS JUST THE RIGHT PLAACE TO START. TRUST THE LORD, HE WILL BRING ALL YOUR NEEDS, WANTS AND DESIRE TO PASS,BUT REMEMBERING IF IT IS IN PLAN AND WILL FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN'S LIFE, YOU ARE IN MY PRAYS. ALL THE BEST AS YOU MAKE THE BEST OF THE NEXT 40 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY,BEAUTIFUL,AND KEEP SMILIING, IT ALL MAKE SENSE ONE DAY.

well hi there no need to be sad to be 40. i was 40 just in april<br />
and i feel on top of the world kids getting older having as much fun when i want with who i want and i'm married .life is what you make it so stop sulking and just have fun i do .and i am the happiest i have ever been

am so delighted and smiling while am reading all of your comments..different words and scenario were used but only pointing to one direction--love yourself,reinvent your life and be happy so positive aura will shine in me and I'll attract positive vibes...thanks alot dear friends @ EP<br />
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@charmaine50--thanks for the true wisdom you share..I know I can make it with God's nurturing love and guidance..<br />
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@jay3970--yes i'lll do that..have fun and stop sulking..truly, life is what we make it..<br />
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@tony (aka ukuwi)--am sad while reading your story but happy when you end it without a bitter note,rather you appreciate what you have now and cherish what's left for you..you're a good man..thanks for all the nice positive outlook you've given me<br />
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@lindalada --hmmnnn..so I should be a mistress and a wife at the same time..lol..love it..i'll do it when i have a new man in my life..if ever that happens in the future.<br />
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@Busysdizzy--you made me grin with your comment..don't worry i don't fake my face by using too much make-up..lol..i just use a pressed powder, a dash of blush- on and a lipstick..maybe am just a bit meticulous on taking care of my skin coz I do love to pamper myself with well-known brands before..but am now buying cheaper commodities..hahahaha<br />
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@slinkyminx --you made me excited turning 40 next year..lol..thanks a lot for sending me signals on how to project myself..happy birthday in advance

Believe in yourself,everthing will be better!

thanks Sinoanna..I do.

wow!!!! Reading all of this really make me scared<br />
Im 26 now when i reached the age of 40 or above will this happen to me, I always tell my self life it about choice we choose the way we live our live, dont you guys think that we sometime make mistake to learn from them.I think all you guys need to do it put some motivation and trust in your self <br />
dont give up and say to yourself i know i can, and go forward..Hope this will help

I am about to reach 40. Single and having gone thru a few heartbreak, including a near marriage last year. Enough is enough for me. Had i not been in that last relationship, i would have paid off my mortage earlier and gone on more vacations.<br />
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Surround yourself with friends from different sectors of your life - the hobby group, the close friend group, school mate group, church group etc etc. Don't be a security guard that you have to talk to or visit each of them/group. daily / weekly. Instead, according to your mood & desired topic for the day, go to the group that fits best and enjoy yourself. Since my break off, I had rediscovered old hobby - taking photos & scuba diving. Within these groups are die hard fans that will repeat the activities & discussion topic over & over again, weekly - if not daily. So I just join them for an outing or so, hi & bye and move on to the next group of friends that loves to find nice resturants to try something new.<br />
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There was a saying that rolling stone gathers no moss. I sincerely do not believe in eternal friendship anymore, but one that we are not sick & tired of seeing each other. Always reserve a bit of privacy for yourself - and yourself only.<br />
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Wish you good luck in Job hunt too.

I'm 42 now and I have to say, I LOVE my 40s!!! I felt like you at 39. I spent 37 and 38 dreading the end of my 30s, but now, I love it. There's something about being over 40 that makes you feel bold, self-confident, and like you no longer care so much about what other people think. It's awesome!<br />
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I'm also divorced, but I divorced when I was only 31 with a 2 and 4 year old, limited child support, and only a thousand dollars in the bank. You can absolutely do it. Just get yourself back out there. Write down what you desire in a career and it will manifest.<br />
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You've spent some time playing best supporting actress to the man in your life, now it's time for you to the be Star. I just wrote a book that I think may really help you. https://www.createspace.com/3454248

You shouldn't be sad about turning 40. In fact I will be 41 in Sept. I spent the last 10 years working on my career, dating and watching marriages crumble around me. My parents have been married almost 46 years, which is rare in this day and age it seems. It wasn't until this year I met a wonderful guy by fate. Neither of us were looking. It just happened. There's a magazine out here in LA called Singular. They are also on Facebook. The creator of this magazine has enabled many single somethings to let go of the stigma of being alone at any age. Though many of you don't live in the area, I welcome you to check it out. It's in times when I felt as any of you do, that this publication helped me see the bright side of 40 and fabulous! Best to you all - at any age!!

Until I learned that I could be happy on my own, I could not be happy in a relationship.<br />
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"Own your man?" -- You can't *own* anybody honey. You're 61 and you don't know that?<br />
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Women, I understand when you feel incomplete without your guy. I also understand drinkmargarita71 when she says its a relief to not be around her ex-husband. <br />
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This is heavy lifting. This is hard work. There is so much good out there, beside relationships, that if you have just gotten out of one, and want back in desperately, the best thing you can do is focus elsewhere. If your life is off track, getting too obsessed with work is not going to make you a more balanced happy person. In what do you believe, so strongly, that if you died tomorrow doing that, it would have been the best possible way to spend your last day? <br />
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Do you believe in working towards justice for those who are even more poor than you? Do you want to build something that will last beyond your lifetime? Do you have children, and if so, are they worth pouring your life, your affection, your energy and your thoughts into? I think they are.<br />
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You are blessed, if you have children, and you are not alone. If you are alone and reading this, you need to find a community. For me, that community is my immediate family and my church. For others, that is different. Find yours.<br />
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Warren

There's a wonderful quote that I like to share at moments like this........the quote actually goes: "whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right" I lend a slight variation and say "no matter what you think, you're right" in this I say if you think you are sad that you are turning any age, you will be, because life itself is just a thought and passes by like a fast train if you aren't paying attention to the little things that make life worth it. Enjoy and appreciate every moment, no matter what age. All too often, people spend way too much time thinking about what makes them miserable that they forget how to be happy. Be in this moment, right now, where you are, with your children who will grow up to reflect the life you give them now so teach them to love and appreciate life, not money......teach them to love and respect each other and not to be sad when they don't get what they want, but rather to rejoice in the life they are given at each and every moment! <br />
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I sincerely hope things get better for you and I hope you do not take any offense to what I say. It isn't meant as a put down, only the hopes that you realize exactly how lucky you have it to simply be alive and healthy with two wonderful children who need all that you can offer...

Just do it, we are so lucky in the western world, we have fresh water to drink and food to give our children. We have had access to education medical services and peaceful countries to live in.<br />
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I went through what you are going through now and 14 years and another partner behind me I love my self and can manage on my own, if the nearly right man walks past I hope to be not too old to see him lol.<br />
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Good Luck and tomorrow it will start getting better

Good on you slinky minx, on Experience Project there is a group called "I love my life" that you could join, lots of other positive people getting on with it and lively fully in the moment<br />
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We can be there for each other

Wow! That sucks you gave up your high-paying job to "save" a marriage which apparently couldn't be saved! Sounds like HE should have made the effort to save it since HE was the one who did things to flush it down the toilet! I feel for you, Marg. I hope and pray things do turn around for you. You must have some marketable skills, but the economy out there aint a good one! So sorry for you. And yes... 40 sucks! lol

You are putting far too much emphasis on a mere number. Forty isn't fatal; it's also not really any different than 39. I hope for your sake you are in a more stable situation by that time, but for goodness sakes, stop stressing about the number-- it sounds like you have enough other things to stress about already.

thanks for all the comments...I already have a career and I am looking forward to become forty next year....lol<br />
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Everything is falling into right places.

Truly, life is what we make it. In every sad scenario, we learn something good.

Aging is beautiful. We grow more confident and less needy, we stop worrying so much about the external image we project and more about our personal serenity. We start to celebrate life and become truly grateful for it. Many of us realize that having a man is wonderful, but, does not always have to be the main attraction in life. We learn to be kind to ourselves and to love ourselves exactly where we are, exactly as we are. We gain much self respect and appreciate our ability to survive the decades still amused and smiliing at ourselves and others. We find our youthful beauty has not faded, it has simply evolved to mature beauty. Look at nature, we don't think that only summer leaves are attractive and interesting, we find Autumn colors vibrant and multi faceted. Giving ourselves full support and permission to fall in love with ourselves (finally) as we age is maybe the very best thing about living on the planet. It's the secret that makes certain older woman so interesting and conforting and even sexy to be around. It's a ripe and glorious adventure to feel welcomed and comfortable in your own skin.