Sad To Become Fortyish

i'll be 39 this year and sad of turning forty next 38 my life is upside down..I left my career,resigned from a high-paying job of ten years to be domesticated to save my marriage but it didn't do anything. This year before having my birthday in october, I have to start all over again from scratch..I have two kids and they're still so young.  My husband supports them even if we're not together anymore.  We have a business which he handles alone because I was the one who left our home though It's my money which started that business. I earned more than he did before. I'm living with my kids in my mother's home. I really have to get back to work because the money he's giving me is not enough, I am not used of having just a limited amount every week to pay for everything. I hope before turning forty, I can arrange my life the way it should be like those times when am still working, not worrying about money-so I can give a comfortable life to my kids with or without my husband's help because I dreaded everytime he visits and indirectly saying that I'm a big spender. I cannot even buy my cosmetics/toiletries now because I have to prioritze the needs of my children. It's  a big adjustment but I have to deal with it than living with my husband under the same roof to endure the agony of being an unfit wife for a philandering man. I enjoy the company of my kids and  being away from him  is so much refreshing.  I just have to kick back my career and find a nice job  to complete  my life. I hope it happens and wish everything  falls into right places before I turn forty.
1PrincessKai 1PrincessKai
46-50, F
98 Responses Jun 7, 2010

thanks for the comment crywillow. Am now more in tuned with the changes and challenges that am facing. <br />
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Sheilarosskuhn, the wisdom that you shared behind those truthful words encourage me more to travel life amidst its uncertainty.

I am going to be the age of 38 I had no kids and was in a high paying stressful job with a husband that I could no longer stand. He was constantly verbally abusive and nothing that I did was good enough for him; although I had paid nearly all the bills for years because he hurt his back and wanted to go back to school. Before we married he told me he did not want any kids with me. He was a bit older, not much but already had one son from a previous marriage. His son was grown and in the military. After we married he made sure that we would never have any kids together even though I had not made up my mind about it. In the end, he wound up telling me the truth, he only went back to school so that his company would have to "pay" and that he had never intended to finish, which he did not. I worked 64 hours per week just so I would not have to be home with him. One day I found that I just could not take it anymore. I told him we should be divorced before I actually started hating him. We parted ways pretty well, not a lot of hard feelings so I think he realized it was also for the better. Shortly after I met someone online and the rest is history. I now have a son who will be 2 in a few months, a husband who is MUCH younger than me and I am living in a different country. I can speak the language but not well enough to have a speaking type job and cannot yet read or write the language, working on all that now. I have no doubts about what I am capable of but right now I am enjoying the sun on my son lol and trying to keep up with everything that he does from day to day that is new. I teach him what things are in two languages and my in-laws teach him in a third so all of his baby talk is pretty interesting. When I look back on my last marriage I realize now that I was just being used financially and for companionship but not on my terms. It was also a mistake on my part because I put up with it and then married him. I am sorry for your situation but know that you can and will do whatever it takes to get yourself back on track. Everything will fall into place - you have nowhere to go but up :)

What kind of cosmetics do you need? Or are you just talking about random stuff like shampoo and toilet paper?

I know how you feel. I'm not in a spot in my life where I feel successful and it sucks to turn 40. But physcially I feel great. I feel really young. So that's good.

I know how you feel. I'm not in a spot in my life where I feel successful and it sucks to turn 40. But physcially I feel great. I feel really young. So that's good.

Its Your Life.Live it theway You like.Don't look Back.make friends look in to future.Don't life a lively person.Nothing matters,more than are the most important person.others are secondary.Raise your head and show to the world,that you have got it.

thanks for all the comments...Each life story that has been told left an impact in my heart and mind.<br />
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And about the cosmetics, just a regular one like make-ups and some beauty am at a low maintenance now, so to speak.

Thanks...I should listen to some blonde with a brain, I believe....great comment:)

if your money started the business he now runs then shouldn't you be getting half the profits??? i'd definitely check on that because if you 2 started the business together and you haven't signed over your part to him then you are entitled to half the profits. And I too am proud of your accomplishments

I am not looking into money now. I am relieved that I am away from him. Money can never buy freedom.

If you think 40's are tough, wait till the 50's come! ;-) <br />
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Honestly though, I think I have finally come into my own. I'm ok with being alone - and I certainly don't need a man to validate my existence or my self worth. As lonely as it gets sometimes, that is much more important to me - and life continues to be, well, challenging but contented. Good luck!

You are a tough woman and I adore your challenging life!

yea, I too am ok with being alone if I have to be...... but I have to say the 50's for me has greeted me with health issues, tortures migraines, severe allergies, weight gain do to the med's I take .......where as before that I was a very health person.............

but i have to say in the last FEW WEEKS MY ALLERGIES are getting much better, found a new doctor and his formula seems to be working ............ after 6 years of sneezing ,coughing, blowing my nose 100 times a day ( no lie) even my nose has shrunk cause its no longer swollen lol you just never know what life has in store for you .....

It's things like this that help us reinvent ourselves, and become better for it. Hold your head high and be greatful for what you have. Good luck.<br />
<br />
Someone in the know.

It's things like this that help us reinvent ourselves and become better for it. Hold your head high and be greatful for what you have.<br />
<br />
<br />
Someone in the know.

thank you. I will surely do that.

yes reinventing our sevles ................. im at cross roads once again in my life also ................ to be honest im tired of re inventing my self .............. i had so many paths iv walked on, im tired and worn ...............

You are in a challenging situation, but, try to lighten up because your children have gone through a lot as well. They look to you for answers, smile and laugh and pull yourself out of the funk, for them. They need their Mom to be happy and serene, just dig your toes in and take their hands and be grateful for your blessings.

Yes, i always count my blessings amidst all the negative feelings that I feel inside me. Thank you for the reminder.

forty is the new is really just starting to make sense... I noticed women as a real turn after they hit their forties. I use to not relate with women around my age and now they have a unique character. it seems while that silly little girl **** is gone and the underlying woman shines through. The have a take on life that is all their own. You need to get involved with your career again and out from under his thumb. Being the woman you are meant to be, is relevant to your overall mental/ emotional/physical health. lipstick and blush, high heels and tenny shoes what is that to having spent time giving your kids a loving relationship that is going to last after they leave the nest and mommy leave dumb *** daddy and starts living again.

Your comment made me chuckle alot but you really mean well.

Well I would like to know this. Do you and your family have good health? Just think of families in other parts of the world that are facing extreme hardships such as hunger, genocides, etc..., you problem will probably seem smaller. Just be happy and smile, be positive and you will attract good things in your life. Negative thoughts attract unwanted circumstances. Life is all about a paradox, nothing last in one state forever unless you chose it to be. Don't worry, stay happy and positive and your life will change.

I know. i am always positive. Thanks for reminding me the famine and the crucial situation others do experience more than where I am now. It is really heartbreaking.

Don't let your age get in the way of's just a number.<br />
Concentrate on the here and now...taking each day as it comes.<br />
You have your children and your living with for the lack of money...most of us at some stage have lived like that. <br />
Keep a positive attitude..a door will open somewhere for you.<br />
Good luck.

Thank you, I like your sweet comment.

We tend to obsess about certain dates and numbers. Like the year 2000, or even just a regular New Year's Day. Like it's such a big deal that we are turning a page on the calendar. <br />
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It's nice when people remember your birthday, and it's nice to have a reason to feel "special" on a certain day. Though on the other hand, if for some reason, bad stuff is happening on a birthday, or people don't acknowledge the day, it can cause us to feel extra bad. That's our nature, but I suggest that we don't have to let the calendar control us like that.<br />
<br />
Birthdays are for children. As adults, I think it is a good idea to put these out of the foreground of our awareness, so that it doesn't become a distraction.<br />
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What I can tell you is that I've seen many times where people fret about turning 40, until it happens. Then it seems that people are finally able to put it all in perspective. It happened like the for me, and also for my wife. She was morose as she approached 40, but once it happened, she realized how ridiculous that was and became comfortable with reality and the phases of life. <br />
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You've probably heard it said that "Life begins at 40", and there is something to that. Studies have shown that people are actually at their happiest in their 60's. Do don't let it get you down. It's really not a big deal, and you've got many years ahead of you, if you choose to make use of them.

I like reading each paragraph, very compelling and contemplative. Thank you.

Wow.. well I am 38 about to turn 39 in october and yes as many I was dreading the 40. But so many inspirational testimonies here have changed my outlook. 40 is the new 30 anyway right? Good luck to all and thanks for the inspiration!

Best of luck!

Hey there...I hope you're doing well. These days it's hard not to compare yourself to everyone else, but just look how many people replied to you in the same predicament. I think sometimes it's hard to remember, that, just being humanis enough....being nice to people and being kind and hopefully getting a return on that, will get you somewhere else you need to be. I hope it all works out for you. I am near your age too and sometimes wonder if it's too late for me to have kids, and some other stuff I regret a lot that's causing some pain to me now. I am trying to remember though, that these years are probably the ones that shape the remainder of my life and that if I try and elarn from all the mistakes and the pain and become just a more sympathetic person to others that it will get me there....hope this isn't all just dirvel and helps a wishes. Schulz

thank you. Sometimes we forget to meditate. But if people try to reach out and make us see the beauty behind life's struggles, we tend to slow down and smile. Best wishes to you too.

I felt the same way, too! But a smart friend of my told me this 1 week b/4 I turned 40. She said when you ere 25 years old you had no view what so ever, when you were 35 years old you had been around the block a few times, kicked a few tires and know you had earned a irds' eyeview. And know that you are about be 40 years old, everything is going to look infinitetly better because you now have a panoramic view. If you use the knowledge of the first 39 yrs very little will surprise or shock you, you no longer feel the need to please everyone but yourself(or shouldn't if you do) and you should be making delicious plans to enjoy the nxt 40 outrageously! Love & Hugs, livingwell

delicious words!

Lord, what can I say? We all have our problems. I am new to this site. I just had to look around and I don't even know what I was looking for, really. I am 52, I may have a 1 yr old son with a woman with Drug Problems.<br />
Pretty sure the boy is mine and I want a family with them, so bad. Anyway, I guess DNA tests are on the horrizon, it is just so hard to wait. And then what? The future is so uncertain that sometimes I can't even make myself shave, for 3 or 4 days at a time. And I hate to look old and ugly. I try to make myself dress nice, I even have the newer styles, wich I like :-) But depression often Rules my life.<br />
I am on meds for it. Because what I have is a chemical imbalance in the brain, lol ! No really. I never want to live another day without antidepressants. They improve my whole outlook on life. It's just that they aren't enough, right now.<br />
I will soon visit a psychiatrist, because I think I have gone as far as I can with my Family Doctor. Keep your heads up everyone ! Some that's all we can struggle to do... :-)<br />

you are a good person Russ...chin up in winning your battles

Turn 40 is not always a bad thing, younger men (like myself) find women over 40 very sexy and attractive. Just stop, turn your head around and give him a smile, I'm sure he was checking you out. Even if he has a hot girlfriend or wife, he wants you in your lonely bed. Hope all single people here find sweet love. A day of love and happiness is better then not having it at all.

I wish...

Try to understand him once more.

I already did a thousand times. Is it not enough? I was bruised, broken and crawling.

Age is not the problem ... but mental development is certainly a concern we need to grow . as the saying goes................................................................................................................................................................................................Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. ~Mark Twain

It's even worse becoming 50ish!

You are a fascinating person, SongforAna. It is so interesting to start over after a long term relationship with someone and discovering what you thought was true was far from true. I am always enthralled with those who are willing to push themselves over the hump of their sadness, disappointment and hurt and forward to what else life has for them. I would love having such a partner in life and business. I will look forward to future posts for how you are doing, good days and bad days, to get a feel for what is in store for me. I will be leaving what is by all accounts a "good woman." She doesn't cheat. She works hard. She is loyal. She will be convinced she deserved better, but she brought it to herself. My next life partner will be someone like you. I really did work at it for almost 30 yrs of marriage, so I don't take things lightly. Yet some who talk will instantly see why I am ready to go out the door, and others will think I am crazy.

Thank you if I fascinate you. I made a drastic move, I believe it's all for the best.

Turning 20 nope didnt freak me out of course I felt like more of an adult even though I still acted like a teen turned loose Turning 30 just had a brand new baby girl so I was happy. Turning 40 oops take a look at all my mistakes wow quite a FEW. I ended up getting my second divorce when I was 42 and that was hard yet I didn't feel the love from him and his family HATED me so that was hard. At 43 I take a look at myself, dont really look 40, met a man onlline who is good to me and moved to a different area of my state for him. Was I scared of this move? I went back and forth from him to my hometown on the bus three times and found out my family didn't really want me there. So 40 was ok its 42 that has been hard...I guess what Im getting at is it doesnt have a number you can have a bad year even when you dont turn a significant number.

It's true, a bad year doesn't coincide with age. Thanks for nice thought.

Hi there!! First of all, Don't feel sad for being fortyish, and don't even think about it, think about what you have accomplished during the life you've lived until now! your kids, you're life, your experience, and how you are blessed for having all that in your life.<br />
Second, you're saying that you have a 10 years career experience, believe it or not, that counts!! And as long as you have the determination persistence, you can start all over again. <br />
Third, You're lucky to get rid of a man who always show you how an inadequate person you are, many woman would love to be in your shoes right now, you may think you're unlucky woman, but trust me, you are a lucky one. and I'm pretty sure you'll stand up on your feet and face the life again, I know you will.....

With you i pray~you sound as if your a strong person~once you get use to living on a cetain level~then having to drop for other reasons~it truly is hard trying to make do~i know the feeling all to well~no doubt you will get back there

thanks for the prayer. I do need it as everyone does. Bless your good soul.

This is surprising really. As in the part where you called yourself an unfit wife. You did your job the best you could. You were pretty much the "man" of the house providing for the family, had a high paying job which financed your husband's business and also supply the family with its daily needs. There is no need to feel bad about anything and have regrets other than leaving your job. I'm not married or anything and I know that I what it is like exactly how you feel but I do know that even though marriage is a commitment, being able to take care of yourself is very important. <br />
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Remember through this experience that, do not leave yourself at a disadvantage, do not quit your job because it does not help. You must always have a backup. A marriage takes two people and although sometimes you dont want something to be a certain way, if its meant to be, its meant to be; if not, move on :).

yes there are things which are meant and not meant to be. I had moved on.

Go and see if you can get your job back.

I already left the country. I am starting fresh from scratch.

It seems so unfair to you. You are the innocent party, so you shouldn't suffer. I hope it works out for you in the future!!!!

I could see a bright future...thanks...(crossing fingers)

40 is just a number. You seem more bummed to me because you made some choices to try some things that just didnt turn out the way you hoped. Well, now you know. You can always look back and know you tried these things, right? They didnt do the trick.<br />
How lucky you are to see these things clearly, honestly, and to have the opportunity to do things differently. Now, this moment, is all you ever have. It is Now right now, lol! Who cares how long we have been here, the past is gone. It will be NOW when we die. XD<br />
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Let go of any ideas you have about what should be or what could have been. You thought isolating yourself and depending totally upon someone else and " being a fit wife" was what you wanted to do. But gues what?? Big surprise.... you tried it and it sounds like you want something different.<br />
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So go get it, find what you want, and stop thinking about it in terms of how old you are. It is NOW. Now is all you ever have. Make each moment the best you can make it, and the rest will follow.

very profound advise...thanks!

40 is nothing! You're not even in your middle age at 40 unless you believe it! So don't worry about being 40 :)

thank you!

yes, you need to find a job and your own income--you sound like a strong woman--too strong to sit around waiting for a man to send you a check....<br />
I love my forties--would never go back in time--it only gets better

U need to be self reliant but don't be obsessed with makng money. Just enough to get by I say. The best things in life are free - the rest is just an illusion. Don't be reliant on your man, I wish my wife would help in my business instead of doing the 'hardest job in the world' all the time with our two kids. What a load of crap that is.

aren't you happy that she's taking good care of the kids?

Is this person even still here???

I doubt it. It was 6 months ago now - lol!!

Yep, am still here. Alive and kicking.

I was there once doing that forty thing, but forty was a piece of cake compared to fifty. Now I'm fifty-four and I can feel myself going through changes, not just on the inside, but on the outside as well. But I tell myself that it had to happen sooner or later, or that it just had to happen. It's all about time, and the sad thing is, the older we get the less we have of it to do those things we wish we'd done way back when, and there is no going back. I'm sort of glad of that because I didn't really like it much back there anyway. I guess when you finally do reach that place in your life, like me, you'll probably discover that it really wasn't so bad after all. Here's to wishing you all the best going forward, and especially with all that other stuff in your life. :)

thanks for the best wishes. I turned 40 and I was happy.

I would marry you :)

I feel for you! I'm in a similar situation though I'm 30. I had to kind of "start over" last year when I left my boyfriend of five years. I felt bad doing it all at 30, I can only imagine how you feel at 40. You have at least been successful so you know how to do it. I haven't really been successful myself. I've done enough and I've lived through my ex bf's success. Stupid move. I'm thankful my daughter is almost 13 because I can't imagine doing this with young children. Keep your head up and never give up! You know what it takes and you'll get there again :)

I've been on my own for quite a while. I have found my daughter and that is ALL I need. would it be nice to have a spouse again? but I darn well don't need one to complete me or make me a whole person!!! A wife is NOT my priority, my daughter is. Teaching her, guiding her and getting to know her. having her be the very bests she can be, teaching her to be as proud of herself as I am of her. At the moment the only thing I need a woman for is to show my daughter what a normal healthy relationship is.<br />
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Money, material things and anything else you could think of or want? I can always get more of them and so can you! oh, by the way, 40 is just a number, who cares! (and it certainly isn't old if that is what you are thinking.)

Do not dwell on becoming 40. Just get off the pity me horse and live your life the way you want and love to. You have all of the right tools to do it. You have the experience and the support. Thank your lucky stars that you have these things to help get you going again! So many women our age has had to start over with much much less than what you have. Many have no work experience and no education. Many get no help from ex husbands even with children they get no support! Use what you have before its gone! You are still young enough to be taken seriously in a new job, and still young enough to live life and enjoy! Just remember to learn from all your experiences good and bad. That is what makes ageing tolerable. Because as we learn we grow, usually in good ways. I always say I get better as I get older and its so true! And I have far less to go on than you do it seems! Dont worry! Be happy! Forty is not so bad, trust me... Im forty ...something, but I dont mind! I love me! I would never go back to being younger!

Hi my names Eben and I'm 18 I don't know what you're going through but.. I do hope you and your kids find happiness before you turn 40 haha :)

You sound like a very smart woman. Considering were living past 103 years now, you have time to take a breath. You seem to know what you want, and go for a job that'll fulfil you. Meaning make you feel you're doing good, as well as feeling that you're making a difference. I got into nursing for this reason. I love it. I don't get along with a lot of people I find, I'm not sure why, I guess I'm just different. But Im good with emotions and sensing how people feel. And I guess that's what makes me good at looking after them. What are you good at? What makes you happy to do? Think about it, you can make a difference :)

40ish! I have hit the wall on this horrid number and well, those who say its just a number, are like twenty something hipsters living in their mothers ba<x>sements smoking American Spirits and philosophiesing the next frogger move they wont take. I am in the process of reemerging back into society and feel like a fish out of water, Literally! I am horrified at times ,completely Kinnearing the mantra in question form, "what if this is as good as it gets"? Only to respond in mind all Nicholson-esque stating"I would rather stick needles in my eyes"!. These are no terms of endearment, meant for anyone to learn or develope. I too fear the lack of means to buy simple things like toilet paper or conditioner. I mean... ***! How Em I going to purge and PURGE with out these critical necessities! ?!?!

It is better to turn 40 than to not turn 40.

"Life is but 10% of living, the other 90% is how you react to the living." You will get through this. The last thing on your mind should be your age. It should be more about getting happy, healthy and financially stable for your children.

Turning 40 is a mind set. Everybody I know said turning 40 is the worst thing. Well.... I decided it was going to be the best yr of my life and it was. One of my best friends said to me when I was turning the big 50 and I was down in the mouth about it. You need to be greatfull, thankfull you are still alive as many of our friends died b 4 their 50th birthday and she is so right. I'm happy to still be alive and plan to make the best I can of it. I wish you all the best and by the way it known as the naughty fourties so enjoy.

i can understand and i really want to help you find a good job... send me your details.<br />
<br />
Regards<br />

Thanks for this - I'm in a similar situation but thank god I have kept my well paid part time job - but am constantly counting pennies because my husband won't bother to get a full time job. As soon as my daughters older we will throw him out. But as I'm an only child and my family have all passed away I'm too scared to go it alone. Xxx

I don't know why people have not realised yet that you "can" work from home. There is such a thing as conference call on skype and even with google plus. There is also a thing called the internet so why not do all of your work from home. It means you can stay domestic if you have to, but still work for a living.

My daughter just got married and is now moving away to go to graduate school. I have given my whole life to her(and am very glad I did!), but now I must start all over- my entire identity was 'mom' and 'wife'. Now though I am still of course those things, they will not longer take up physical space or time in my day to day existence and I must find a way to fill that day to day life. I have a job that I am not happy about. I have a social work degree from another country (Canada) and 2 years of a masters degree but that was done 10 or more years ago so now I am starting over from scratch. It is going to be tough- I feel like I am starting a whole new second life. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I think there must be many of us out there and it would be nice to start a group on here for people like us!

I started from scratch again at forty, and as one glimmer of hope for you, by the time I turned 50 I was a new woman embracing a new life ! Oh I should say, I gave up my career (willingly) at 39 when I unexpectedly became pregnant - we had given up - but alas, the marriage declined rapidly because HE wasn't up for the severe change in lifestyle a baby brings to a career couple. By the time I was 50 my child was 10 and less dependent, I was getting used to life as a single parent and embracing it.<br />
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All the best, these years will carve out your character and make you a rock solid woman and mother.

its never to late to do anything..

" I enjoy the company of my kids and being away from him is so much refreshing "<br />
<br />
<br />
yes it is , some people are such a pain

Best Of Luck

I hate to sound hard hearted but you have to think of your kids and your future. If he is running a business set up on your money then see a lawyer and tell him you want the money back. If he is in the wrong in this scenario and has broken his marriage vows then you should not be the one to suffer. I bought up my kids on my own and worked, it is hard work but with a supportive family it is not impossible. You are a strong woman and good things will come your way.

Joyce Meyer says : if you could go to store and Buy a can ormf mirCles<br />
Would you? Well we All have miracles vdcsusd they come in cAns not in cants! I love this saying <br />
You CAN!! believe you can and will<br />
Get up in the morning sbd sAy god I can thru you all is possible and I have the right as your child to receive ! Meditate positive thoughts<br />
Honey ads us a number I M 46 in october I Swear I feel 30 and feeling that has people in aw when I tell my age!!!! I hope your not an atheist ! Lol ... I love Joyce Meyer for positive thinking sbd encouragement!!!! I know you will succeed !

Three things;<br />
1. Talk to a divorce lawyer NOW, even if you aren't getting a divorce so he can provide you with some strategies in case you do decide to divorce.<br />
2. Look up Dr. Wayne Dyer and's what you need in your life right now.<br />
3. Move on with your life for YOURSELF, it is the best thing for you AND your children. <br />
I know it seems like your getting "old" and your life IS in turmoil right now, but you need to focus on what is good and right in your life. Don't be like me; turning 50, one son dead one living across the country with your only grandchild that you've never met, all alone. All because I didn't take the time in my life to stop and consider ME in my life. Good luck and hugs!

I didn't get married till I was your age to my wife who is only a few years younger than I am. We now have two wonderful daughters who will be leaving for college in a few months. I've been laid off from several jobs in a row and had to take a large pay cut to get my present job that I've been at for over two years now without a raise. So life has had it's ups and downs for me, but it's been worthwhile. If I could find love and start a family in my middle age for the first time I'd hope others could also for the second time. Good luck and bless you.

I know this is old post, but your story inspired me if it makes you feel better I am going to be twenty eight years old. I haven't ever had a girlfriend .I work a dead end job to pay the bill. I finished college with a BA and am working in food service. I never knew what I wanted to do with life. I feel I dont fit in to the world. I have a few friends a car hopethis helps

I think at forty, your really begins. The same thing happened to me at around that time, and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, like you I have to change my priorities, but it's a small price to pay. I went from living in a 3 bedroom bungalow to social housing. I still don't regret it 4 years later

Good LUCK, make is come true