40 And Childless

Hi my name is Alison, and i turned 40 yesterday. My husband and are unable to have children and for the first time i would like to share my story. When i was 23 i wa diagnosed with CIN 3 abnormal cancer causing cells in my cervix. i was given a cone biopsy and a curet but at the time of the operation i was unaware i was getting a curet. i had difficulties and still do with massive amonts of scare tissue in my cervix and uterus. i met my husband when i was 26 and we were married when i turned 28. We started trying for children, and discovered that there was definately something wrong. so we went to a fertility clinic and we were told there should be no reason why we could not have kids. on one of the internal scans ii had i was asked if i had had multiple miscarriages (obviously i hadn't), my uterus apparently is full of scare tissue. My specialist stil told me that this would not be the cause of me not being able to fall pregnant. i persoanlly think that he did not want to admit that the cause of me not being able to fall pregnant was because of what a doctor in the same profession had done to me years ago. anyway we went through 9 months of articicial insemnation, then a couple of cycles of ivf. we stoped when i was 33 years old, and decided that we would live the rest of our lives without children. i personally would not have minded adopting, but my husband did not want to. my mum and dad took it very hard that we were stopping and so we fel out and did not speak for 6months. i was a mess inside, but outside appeared to be coping. i still don't think i cope very well even to this day. i hate myself, and on some days get very depressed. the biggest think for me to deal with is the fact that i cannot give my husband a family, he deserves a family and would make a great dad. i am the only person i know who can not have children. i do not socialise with any of my
husbands friend wives as i have nothing in common with them. when i turned 40 i guess it just hit me harder than it ever has before, and i think writing about it has helped me a little.
thankyou for letting me write about my experience
ali