"when Are You Guys Going To Start Your Family?"

HELLO. MY NAME IS RAMONA AND I AM A GENERALLY HAPPY 37 YR OLD WOMAN. I AM MARRIED TO AN AMAZING MAN FOR THE LAST 5 YRS, BUT HAVE BEEN BY HIS SIDE FOR THE LAST 7YRS.

I WAS BORN WITH A CONDITION CALLED "TURNERS SYNDROME". IT'S A CONDITION SEEN ONLY IN FEMALES WHERE THE GIRL IS BORN WITH A VARYING DEGREE OF DIFFICULTIES. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, I WAS BLESSED WITH A VERY MILD FORM OF THE DEFECT. ONE OF THE DEFINING CHARACTERISTICS OF THIS CONDITION IS LACK OF A MENSTRUAL CYCLE. NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAVE KNOWN FOR A LONG TIME THAT CHANCES ARE I COULD NOT BIRTH CHILDREN OF MY OWN. AT FIRST, I DIDN'T SEE IT AS AN ISSUE. OF COURSE, THE OLDER I GOT THE MORE IT DAWNED ON ME WHAT THAT TRULY MEANT.

AT 30 YRS OLD MY SOUL MATE ASKED ME TO STAY WITH HIM FOREVER. IT WAS ONE OF THE HAPPIEST AND YET MOST CONFLICTING DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. ON ONE HAND, I HAD MY DREAM OF BEING OFFERED THE OPPORTUNITY TO STAND BESIDE THIS MAN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIFE. ON THE OTHER HAND, I KNEW THAT BY CHOOSING ME HE WAS GIVING UP THE CHANCE OF EVER BEING CALLED "FATHER". I COULDN'T HELP THINKING THAT HE IS SUCH AND AMAZING MAN, IT WASN'T FAIR HE HAD TO MAKE THAT CHOICE.

ALMOST 2 YRS LATER WE MARRIED, AND STARTED OUR LIFE TOGETHER AS ONE. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW EMBARRASSED I WAS THE FOLLOWING THANKSGIVING THREE DIFFERENT FAMILY MEMBERS ASKED WHEN WE WERE PLANNING ON TRYING FOR A BABY. I EXPLAINED THAT WE WEREN'T. THEY WOULD THEN PROCEED TO TELL ME THAT I WOULD MAKE SUCH A WONDERFUL MOTHER, WHY HAD WE RULED CHILDREN OUT? I ACTUALLY HAD A FAMILY MEMBER ASK "WHEN WE PLANNED ON STARTING A FAMILY". AS IF, WITHOUT CHILDREN, MY HUSBAND AND I WERE JUST PLAYING AT BEING A FAMILY?? DIDN'T COUNT AS A FAMILY?? WHAT??

EACH YEAR SEEMS TO GET A LITTLE MORE DIFFICULT. I WALK BY THE BABY STUFF AT TARGET AND HAVE TO QUICKLY AVERT MY EYES. I FIND MYSELF HAVING TO FAKE EXCITEMENT WHEN FRIENDS AND FAMILY(AND NOW FRIENDS CHILDREN) ANNOUNCE THEIR JOYOUS NEWS. NOT BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THEY DESERVE ALL THE BLESSINGS THAT ARE COMING THEIR WAY, THEY DO! SOMETIMES I JUST WONDER WHAT I DID, THAT I DON'T DESERVE THEM. TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, I AM A TELEPHONE OPERATOR AND ONE OF OUR ACCOUNTS IS AN ABORTION CLINIC. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM NOT JUDGING THE WOMEN WHO FEEL THE NEED FOR THESE SERVICES. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM OR THEIR SITUATION. BUT, THERE ARE TIMES IF I AM WORKING ALONE THAT I WILL HANG UP AND HAVE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE. WHY ARE THESE MIRACLES BEING GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO EITHER DO NOT WANT THEM, OR CAN'T HAVE THEM FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

THERE ARE LITTLE THINGS THAT ACT LIKE CONSTANT REMINDERS. LIKE TODAY HAPPENS TO BE "MOTHERS DAY". THIS IS A DAY THAT HAS BECOME REALLY HARD FOR ME. AS I AM WORKING AND ANSWERING OUR CLIENTS LINES, I HAVE HAD SEVERAL PEOPLE ASK "ARE YOU A MOTHER?". I OF COURSE LET THEM KNOW THAT, IN FACT I AM NOT. THEY WOULD NORMALLY THEN SAY "OH WELL I WAS JUST GOING TO TELL YOU HAPPY MOTHERS DAY". THIS IS A WELL MEANING SENTIMENT I AM SURE. BUT TO ME, IT'S A REMINDER THAT THERE IS A FACET OF LIFE THAT I WILL NEVER KNOW, A CLUB THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A MEMBER OF. I LOVE COLLECTING PHOTOGRAPHS AND FAMILY HEIRLOOMS, BUT MY FATHER FLAT OUT TOLD ME THAT THE THINGS NEEDED TO BE PASSED DOWN TO MY BROTHERS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO PASS IT ON TO.

I AM NOT DELUSIONAL ENOUGH TO THINK THAT HAVING CHILDREN FIXES ANYTHING, IT'S USUALLY THE OPPOSITE. THEY ARE COMPLICATED, DIFFICULT, EXPENSIVE, AND OFTEN UNGRATEFUL. BUT THOSE ARE ISSUES I WOULD WELCOME INTO MY LIFE ANYTIME.

I'M NOT SURE THAT ANY OF WHAT I JUST SPENT THE LAST HOUR POURING OUT MAKES SENSE, BUT..THERE IT IS. MY STORY. EVEN IF NO ONE EVER READS IT, GETTING IT OUT INTO THE OPEN AFTER YEARS OF PRETENDING IT WAS OK IS NICE. IF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO READ IT, THANK YOU.
RamonaLeigh RamonaLeigh
36-40
1 Response May 13, 2012

Hi. I was very moved from your story, and I just want to take this opportunity to say I am sorry you have to battle this everyday. I can't imagine how it must feel to not be given a choice on such a big issue. I am sure you've looked into this, but what about other options? I know many women who had difficult time getting pregnant and/or couldn't all together. With today's technology, you can still have a child. Adoption is another option. Sometimes life works in strange ways and maybe God made you so special b/c you were supposed to do his work and help someone in need of a good home? Sometimes life hands us things we can't control and there HAS to be a way we can do something to help your situation. I hope this helped, and please let me know how you're doing. I believe that there is something out there for you and if you want to be a Mommy, somehow someway, you will. Even if it is unconventional, it can happen! Believe it and it will. :) Have a wonderful night.