I Was About Five When I First Thought About Suicide.

Now I am an adult I realise what i would have missed out on all these years, all the people that I have loved and all the experiences I have taken in. I man I haven't had what you would call a great life since but it has all been a journey and on it goes. I felt so alone back then. ..Now I know I was never really alone. I think things only really started to change for me when I dicovered metal.

demonizd demonizd
31-35, M
3 Responses Feb 28, 2009

Metal is amazing. I believe that it's helped me out a lot too. It seems to express my inner feeling better than I can. I can get it out and feel more positive.

I started formal education a year earlier than most children, I was sent to a very strict school and there was a very old-fashioned attitude to how to treat young children. I was not well suited to this form of education.. I was not ready for it at all.. I also had a hard time at home I felt that noone really liked me at all, I felf like I was being persecuted by everyone. I became paranoid, I imagined that everyonre in my life was actually planning to destroy me. I believed that everything was organised to do as much damage to me as possible, that people were planning ways to make me feel worse and worse and I really had no ida that my little world was not the whole of the world.. in my tiny world everyone ele was the enemy; they didn't care about me and I didn't care about them. I was beaten at home and at school, I was forced to copy large sections of text from religious books "to teach me a lesson" but I never understood any of the stuff I was writing out as it was all in confusing bible-speak so I just saw it as yet more opunishment, I was told I was a bad person, that I was not wanted and that I "could not be [their] son because [I] was too bad and noone that bad could possibly be [their] child" and that "[they] must have been given the wrong baby" because I was all bad and I was not wanted or worth keeping. I was told that hey ished they could get rid of me. I became so desperate for anyone's affection or approval I would do anything to please anyone and I soon became a victim of a ********* and I would perform for him with another boy form my school. I eventually got thrown oput of that school, and after a year atanother school I was sent back again and I was even worse, I just didn't have any interest in doing the schoolwork, or any interest in socialising with the other children.. I had no friends at all, noone ever even spoke to me except when I was being told-off for not working. I was sent to the headmaster's office daily for punishment,. I tried to keep it all secret from my parents, particularly my dad as he would get very angry at me and would hit me a lot. When I was 8 years old after being emotionally and physically abused at home and being sexually abused outside the home due to being vulnerable from not believing anyone was on my side I spread the abuse outside to someone else. i.e. I molested another child. I will/can never forget and have a really hard time trying to forgive myself for that. It ruined my self esteem and I was repeatedly told I was a monster and that I was evil. I could never tell anyone why I did it or what was really going on in my own life that would have led to me doing stuff like that. I just kept quiet and only told anyone about it after I found EP nearly a quarter of a century later. I'm so sorry for what I did. I can not know how badle affected the little girl was after what I did to her. I will always blame myself because I cannot get over it.. I just hope she was not affected by it as much as I imagine she could have been, I hate myself for what I did. I am so sorry.

But why???<br />
<br />
I mean, such a young age, why would you want to then?