It's Time To Face The Truth.In the back of my mind, I knew I was underweight, and everyone constantly told me so, but I shrugged it off. I always denied it, even laughed about it. I've been telling myself that I'm fine, I'm a good weight, and I like how my body is. It's not like my bones protrude. But recently, I've woken up, I've smelled the daisies so to speak, and I've come out of my little denial bubble.
I'm 5'7, so I should weigh roughly around 50-60 kilos. I only weigh 39. I work in a clothing store, so I think this helped me realise some things from all the women's clothes I see. There's shirts and shorts and jeans that are for girls my age, and none of them fit me. A lot of the time I have to shop in the kids section, and to be honest it's humiliating. Sometimes I'm lucky and I can find a shirt my size in the adults section, but more often than not it's the kids section I tend to visit.
Today the weather warmed up after four months of cold weather, and I finally pulled out my T-shirts and shorts, and almost every T-shirt I tried on swam on me. I've lost weight since last year. It actually upset me a lot. Staring at myself in the mirror in these baggy shirts, meant to fit me, used to fit me, but now just hang off me. I think even two me's can fit in some of my T-shirts.
Being skinny means I have no curves, and this also depresses me. I'm practically a straight stick. Ugh, it makes me feel miserable. Unattractive. And then I see girls my age walking around, their bodies in great shape, and I become rigid and self conscious; I feel like I just want to hide away from the world, where only I can see my disgusting, shapeless body.
But then I mentally slap myself, because I can change my body shape. I can get motivated and start eating the right foods, start exercising, start eating at regular times instead of just once or twice a day. However, I don't have the motivation, and I'm not sure why. I'm also worried that if I follow a normal, steady diet, that I'll eventually put on more weight than I want to. I don't want to weigh anymore than 45 kilos. That's my limit. I don't want to go over that, but I also don't want to go under 39 kilos either. I'm worried I won't be able to find a balance.
I guess it's time I get my butt into gear and start concentrating on my health.
tianajade 18-21, F 5 Responses 11 Sep 19, 2012