Post

I Am Starting to Realize Im Just Like You.

So I beat myself up.

Daily.

I judge myself by my successes and I currently cant say that I am proud of who I am.

Thats why Im just like you.

 

Im not the only one. Neither are you. Ive had jobs that I hate, jobs that I loved and lost. I try every day to find employment. Every click of the mouse making me doubt my own worth more and more. Every email and application making me ask myself "Why even bother?" because I know I wont get called. Yes, like you I apply to jobs I really dont want to do. Jobs I could do temporarily. Jobs I have to lie to myself about applying to. Jobs that in reality dont boost my self worth, but right now ARE worth having.

My resume is okay, but I would like to think of myself as somewhat smart. No, really. I like quantum physics, English, and books like The World is Flat. But my resume doesnt reflect that.  It doesnt show that before I lost my job (which I will explain in a moment) I had subscriptions to Forbes, Money, Fortune, and Crain's Cleveland Business. It doesnt show that I, a 24-year-old girl, just changed the starter in my own car two weeks ago without help or supervision. It doesnt show that I want more than anything to go back to school and tutor and be a part of the Student Senate again.... All it shows is that I need a job because I dont have one. Sure, I have experience in thims and I have some skills with that, but bottom line- can I beat out 2000 other applicants for the same position? Does any of what I just described about myself really matter to potential employers? Sadly, it doesnt. They dont care- they cant. They cant afford to. They cant afford to find someone to "invest" in. Someone that may not know everything they need someone to know, but has the goddam potential to. I understand it, but I hate it.

 

Now, why I am unemployed... Its because Im a moron. I watch the news, Im not stupid, I knew things were getting worse as the days went on. But I did it anyway.

I quit.

Oh, and it was glorious.

To know I never had to come back to that place ever again if I didnt want to... felt... wonderful.

I quit with the understanding that I had a job that I really did not. So I found a bartending job. Simple enough. I dont really drink and my live-in boyfriend is straight-edge, but how hard can it really be in a little townie bar that was just built three weeks prior? Hard enough, apparently. I got to know the ropes, working only three days a week. But after the fourth week of working only day shifts (12 days in all, mind you) they not only wanted me to work two nights a week in addition to the three days, but added kitchen duty and waitressing to the job description. It would have been only me and the owner's ex-husband (which I was told by two people didnt do **** the entire night), and I didnt sign up for that. I dont make grouper wraps the same as the 70-year old Italian cook they had cooking otherwise, sorry. So I told them I didnt want to do it because I wasnt ready. They didnt like that much, as they decided to replace me entirely, rather than just getting another bartender to cover those shifts. Luckily enough, I was doing photography for weddings on the side at the time, and my photographer was willing to start a sales program with me spearheading it. Okay. I was willing to give it a try- I love doing photography and I might as well make money doing it, right?

Right. For about three weeks.

You see, he had started to buy me clothes because he knew I couldnt afford to buy newer, more professional clothing. Okay, the boyfriend didnt like that, but I let my photographer do it for a little bit just because I needed to look professional with what I was doing for him.

Then he bought me a *real* rabbit fur coat. (Screeching hault sound can go here.)

So I told him he couldnt do that anymore. It wasnt right. The boyfriend didnt like it to begin with, and it just got creepy... my photographer hasnt been the same since. He treated me like **** the moment I told him not to do it anymore. He is a 50 year old, unattractive male with an equally unattractive personality. He should have seen this coming... and so should have I. My boyfriend did. I didnt... My photographer stopped the program I was doing, and has since completely changed his attitude toward me.

Thankfully, the man I am dating has a heart of gold and has been taking care of me even though we only started dating three months prior. Its been challenging. We werent ready for this.... it brings out a lot of characteristics you never see until much later in a relationship, but we're getting through it. Its very difficult and every day is a challenge. But he still loves me- job or not.

 

Finally, heres my point. This was my story. You have your own. So do thousands of other people. You're not alone. You're not the only one feeling the way you feel. And its okay. Really.

This too, shall pass.

 

 

Until then, here I am.

Unemployed.

Just like you.

nagamacella nagamacella 22-25, F 16 Responses Feb 26, 2009

Your Response

Cancel

Thank you. My COBRA benefits expired today (my own fault for being late on bills) and I am miserable because of it. I've been fired twice in the last 4 years for workplace-politics reasons, and I've finally found a 'job'--for minimum wage, part time, no benefits. It is good for me to hear I'm not alone.

Hello. I'm Dell and I have read the posts here. I was also out of work for several months and it was tough. Even had to stay with a buddy as I lost me home. I am working from home now and was able to lift myself up pretty quick. I am new here but I will be on daily to check in and see how everyone is doing. God bless you all.

Your friend,

Dell

cried while reading. I'm losing my boyfriend. I don't love me and I don't think anyone else ever could. I'm losing my self day after day.. I'm 24 and turn into 25, just after 20 nights. but I feel like I'm over 40. I cry a lot and sleep a lot, spending my savings, getting fat.. yea it's worse than 40s. lol..

fun.... I was looking for a lift.

Have you found a job yet? I am unemployed and starting my second year of it. Pamelasue3@Yahoo.com is my email. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you!

Pam

This reminds me that I am not a loser because there are several good people without jobs. I just hope you are still going strong in what you aspire to do. It seems pointless after several months because it is so far away.

So in a way, you inspired me to not give up yet. :) Thank you.

Loved this post, so well written and easy to relate to! It's been a little while, I hope things are better now! It makes me sad that so many people wonder if there's hope. There IS! My husband left me 2 years ago, with 3 kids I had spent 16 years taking care of and homeschooling. Along the way I found a legitimate work from home opportunity that sounded way too good to be true, but was everything it promised to be. I can't tell you how thankful I am that I had it to fall back on and start treating like a business instead of a hobby. I was scared being on my own but I'm still here, I'm successful, and I love helping others discover if this might be the answer for them too! Check out my website and if you'd like more info, fill out the request page or use my contact info to contact me directly! www.ForMyFmly.com

I so relate to all of this. I lost my job and received my last paycheck a week ago. I don't qualify for unemployment. I spend hours applying for jobs everyday. I actually have a PhD, which is apparently a liability. I have created a "fake" resume that omits my higher education in order to even apply for jobs. I'm not qualified on paper to get any "professional" and "career" type job so I am applying for retail, minimum wage positions. And not getting them. This makes me feel utterly worthless. I'm also ashamed because most of my friends are professors (as I once was) and think I'm insane to even look at jobs that are so far "beneath" me. But there aren't any professoring gigs right now. I lie awake every night stressing about money and beating myself up for not having chosen a more employable career.

Your words are as touching as they are familiar. There's another side to what you're saying, too.



I'm 46. I was a tv news anchor for 20 years. Awesome job. Sick money. Easy to perform. But management was bad, very bad. Contract talks broke down and I walked, intent on starting my own business. That was in July '08, right on the door step of the economic meltdown. I struggled for 2 years, all the while raising my 15 year old son as a single dad. I had a meltdown last October, and couldn't work. Now, I'm trying to figure out how to apply my skill set. It's hard. Very hard. I DO have skills, but they aren't as relatable to Public Relations and other typical careers a person with my background would pursue. The job descriptions have changed. Computers have changed everything.

You are right. I am not alone. Neither are you. But I think it's good to remember that these feelings of guilt, shame, despair, desperation and feelings of worthlessness are the natural product of our circumstance. If you're trying, sending out resumes, networking and making phone calls, you are doing all that you can. When our professional lives are interrupted ( a first for me ), we tend to see ourselves the way we think others see us. It's like looking through a pair of glasses with the lenses all fogged up. We don't see with accuracy what is really there. And it becomes real to us because nothing is clear.

In truth, there's not much of a difference between us and the guy driving around in the BMW, except for the fact that he has a job, and we don't. He doesn't breathe any differently. Nor does he hold a more special place in God's heart. He's just working. And he's lucky.



Great post, Naga. Stay strong.

Boy oh boy, can I relate to you (minus the degree)!!! Thank you for sharing...I was laid off from hotel management, mother in law got kicked out of her nursing home; so of course I did what my husband needed me to until she passed away this past year. Seems like no one cares about family values. I can do anything and learn very easily. And, yes, niceguyinhell, I also am applying for jobs well beneath me, and it hurts so bad when I can't get those jobs either. I feel like this rat race is a hoax.



Keep trying, never give up...nice to relate to others while stuck in the home! At least we can still speak to people if out of the working world.

Great story. The constant rejection and inability to actually get jobs that are beneath your experience and qualifications is a massive blow to one's ego -- mine at least. It's hard to get out of bed some days knowing that the house is burning and there just isn't a drop of water within 50 miles.

But I have dreams of quitting.

kinda makes feel better that i am employed with a terrible job making no money.

Wow. like anisagonige, i feel the same way. It's June '10. i hope ur doing better and that ur relationship w/ ur boyfriend is still going strong.



God Bless & Good Fortune



Another Unemployed Engineer

Thank you for your story!

I really enjoy and empathize with your story. I am really feeling you. I thought I would share my story at this moment, but after reading yours, I felt like I've shared it through you. Thanks for being real.