I Am Starting to Realize Im Just Like You.
So I beat myself up.
I judge myself by my successes and I currently cant say that I am proud of who I am.
Thats why Im just like you.
Im not the only one. Neither are you. Ive had jobs that I hate, jobs that I loved and lost. I try every day to find employment. Every click of the mouse making me doubt my own worth more and more. Every email and application making me ask myself "Why even bother?" because I know I wont get called. Yes, like you I apply to jobs I really dont want to do. Jobs I could do temporarily. Jobs I have to lie to myself about applying to. Jobs that in reality dont boost my self worth, but right now ARE worth having.
My resume is okay, but I would like to think of myself as somewhat smart. No, really. I like quantum physics, English, and books like The World is Flat. But my resume doesnt reflect that. It doesnt show that before I lost my job (which I will explain in a moment) I had subscriptions to Forbes, Money, Fortune, and Crain's Cleveland Business. It doesnt show that I, a 24-year-old girl, just changed the starter in my own car two weeks ago without help or supervision. It doesnt show that I want more than anything to go back to school and tutor and be a part of the Student Senate again.... All it shows is that I need a job because I dont have one. Sure, I have experience in thims and I have some skills with that, but bottom line- can I beat out 2000 other applicants for the same position? Does any of what I just described about myself really matter to potential employers? Sadly, it doesnt. They dont care- they cant. They cant afford to. They cant afford to find someone to "invest" in. Someone that may not know everything they need someone to know, but has the goddam potential to. I understand it, but I hate it.
Now, why I am unemployed... Its because Im a moron. I watch the news, Im not stupid, I knew things were getting worse as the days went on. But I did it anyway.
Oh, and it was glorious.
To know I never had to come back to that place ever again if I didnt want to... felt... wonderful.
I quit with the understanding that I had a job that I really did not. So I found a bartending job. Simple enough. I dont really drink and my live-in boyfriend is straight-edge, but how hard can it really be in a little townie bar that was just built three weeks prior? Hard enough, apparently. I got to know the ropes, working only three days a week. But after the fourth week of working only day shifts (12 days in all, mind you) they not only wanted me to work two nights a week in addition to the three days, but added kitchen duty and waitressing to the job description. It would have been only me and the owner's ex-husband (which I was told by two people didnt do **** the entire night), and I didnt sign up for that. I dont make grouper wraps the same as the 70-year old Italian cook they had cooking otherwise, sorry. So I told them I didnt want to do it because I wasnt ready. They didnt like that much, as they decided to replace me entirely, rather than just getting another bartender to cover those shifts. Luckily enough, I was doing photography for weddings on the side at the time, and my photographer was willing to start a sales program with me spearheading it. Okay. I was willing to give it a try- I love doing photography and I might as well make money doing it, right?
Right. For about three weeks.
You see, he had started to buy me clothes because he knew I couldnt afford to buy newer, more professional clothing. Okay, the boyfriend didnt like that, but I let my photographer do it for a little bit just because I needed to look professional with what I was doing for him.
Then he bought me a *real* rabbit fur coat. (Screeching hault sound can go here.)
So I told him he couldnt do that anymore. It wasnt right. The boyfriend didnt like it to begin with, and it just got creepy... my photographer hasnt been the same since. He treated me like **** the moment I told him not to do it anymore. He is a 50 year old, unattractive male with an equally unattractive personality. He should have seen this coming... and so should have I. My boyfriend did. I didnt... My photographer stopped the program I was doing, and has since completely changed his attitude toward me.
Thankfully, the man I am dating has a heart of gold and has been taking care of me even though we only started dating three months prior. Its been challenging. We werent ready for this.... it brings out a lot of characteristics you never see until much later in a relationship, but we're getting through it. Its very difficult and every day is a challenge. But he still loves me- job or not.
Finally, heres my point. This was my story. You have your own. So do thousands of other people. You're not alone. You're not the only one feeling the way you feel. And its okay. Really.
This too, shall pass.
Until then, here I am.
Just like you.