I Don't Even Know What My Story Is

I have been feeling profoundly unfulfilled lately.  I cannot, cannot shake the feeling that there has to be more.  And then I wonder, what would more be.  The answer I've been coming up with is 'more'.  I do not get why I'm here, what I should be doing and if I'm doing what I should be doing then, damn, this kinda blows.  For me as my life goes on, I see that I have so many and so many different choices than I could have ever imagined.  And I feel like I've been operating in a holding pattern for so achingly long and I'm ready for something really happy and wonderful.  I'm sick of being at this point in my life, it hasn't gotten better, I still feel like I'm just hanging on and I feel that at my age, that's a tragedy, a waste.  I thought my life would be different but there are aspects of my life that are so good, I have a lovely life, I am pretty happy.  I try to stay positive and not waste energy on negativity but sometimes, it creeps in.  sometimes it washes over you.  And that's when I start wondering about 'what ifs' and other nonsense.  I know it's stupid but sometimes my thoughts wander there.  What does it even feel like to feel fulfilled, what is fulfillment?  Whatever it is, I don't think I have it but I think I will one day.  I'm hoping soon.
lyrids lyrids
5 Responses Jul 17, 2010

Ugh, this morning I woke up to two rejection letters regarding my resume. My furnace needed more repair than I originally thought. I ran into my sibling who is a raging alcoholic mess and as I was driving home, I found out that a friend of ours died. Things are bad, I don't know if they'll get better. I still feel positive about my life and the world, it's just really hard, but you know, everyone has their challenges. It could be worse but I'm going to still hope for the best.

This is so similar to what I just posted, except mine is whinier. I feel ya though.

Lyrids, <br />
I haven't gotten back to the EP since I posted above. I'm so glad you're doing better. I love that you are being gentle with yourself. It's a real reminder to me to do the same. Seems like life and all the emotions come and go in waves. I tend to come to this site when I'm feeling down and alone - so reading that you are doing something you like and taking action and pushing outside your comfort zone has inspired me. I needed that - especially today. Thank you. ~M.

mxi0, thank you for asking. Reading this today, it feels as if the person who originally wrote that exists only in the past. I don't feel like I'm in a holding pattern any longer, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. In fact, the most perfect direction for me. I don't know that I've found a passion or a purpose but I'm enjoying what I do and I pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and am coming up with some really wonderful insights. Challenges and changes are interesting for me. Instead of feeling old, I imagine that I'm distilling into my most true self. I am doing something that I enjoy and I'm taking the time to learn the skills that I need to get to where I want to be. I found a picture of myself when I was a child of three, I look at that child and I can't help but feel love. I try everyday to remember that three year old and treat myself the way I would treat the child. It helps to silence the negative voice that we all carry with us. I hope you can distill into your true self as well.

I noticed this was written about a year ago. Are you still unfulfilled? Did your life get better? Did you make it get better? I am wondering because I relate to being unfulfilled. I thought my life would be so different too. I suppose I need to get more disciplined to make it all happen, but .......don't. What is my purpose? Do we all have a purpose? If only I could find a passion or a purpose.