Ugh

I don’t wanna have a pity party, I really don’t.
But…everything is so the same. The same, the same. And nothing has changed for years and years. And is it ever going to really?
Because I hate it and I’m crying and I really don’t know what it is. Is it because Ive been so ******* poor for the last few years we’ve barely been scraping by? I have done nothing of importance. I have made no mark in the world. No difference in humanity. I haven’t bettered myself or anyone. This has been worthless.
This life is ******* stagnant.
This house, this town, myself.
What is this?? Is this anyones dream? Because it isn’t mine. I can not live this way for another 5 years, growing old and fat and bored.
This is so not what I envisioned for myself.
I am so bitterly disappointed. In everything.
This town is a dead end. What do I have to look forward to? Really?
If this ******* house would only sell, at least there would be an option.But my husband wont leave this town because of his family so maybe after they all die we can get out of here. So yeah just like 20 more years. **** that. I will wither away by then.
I’m already half-withered. I found two grey hairs yesterday and what do I have to show for them? Ummmmmm….um um um um um um um …
I existed? Does that count? I went to sleep, ate, and woke up?
Every single same pathetic morning?
I have lost motivation to the point of the house being trashed. Call it what you will-(laziness)
But I know it goes beyond that. I have all kinds of energy for flying a plane to Europe. For walking the beach in Florida. For kayaking on Lake Superior. For hiking in the mountains and training a wild horse!!
So make it happen! You say. Go for it! You say.
$$$$$$$$$ yeah give me some of that and Ill make all that **** happen.
But that’s the problem. That $$$$$ isn’t coming. Ever. Why? Because my husband will never do anything more than low-paying grunt work in this ****-town, and I will never amount to anything with my ****** high-school diploma and no talent.
Oh go to college! You say. For what? A delightful career in Daycare? A nurse? so I can work in one the awful establishments around here?
No no no. I am bitter. I am disappointed. And there is no change in sight. Anywhere. Ever. Unless someone dies.
nwhermit nwhermit
26-30, F
Jan 14, 2013