Should I Stay Or Should I Go...When I first my husband, it was a whirlwhind romance that moved extremely quickly. I moved in with him in weeks. We were inseperable, passionate and enthusiastic about eachother's interests and dreams. We couldn't keep our hands off eachother and rarely argued. Slowly the control issues started with him getting angry when I would go somewhere without telling him. It then got in the way of my music goals and I ended up stopping my pursuit of being a songwriter, due to his jealousy of other men being around me. Still, I loved him, was insanely attracted to him and that passion was still there. Soon, though, the verbal insults started, with him calling me ******* and ***** in arguments and I would lash out hitting him, sometimes hurting myself and he always seemed so remorseful that I always forgave him. He would be OK for a while, but it would eventually resurface. We fought like cats and dogs....then I got pregnant. He seemed to change then, becoming more responsible but that all turned to hell when he would leave me at home daily to hang out with his friends. Granted, im no saint and I have a party lifestyle too and there have been times when i've wanted to go out and did so without his blessing...i'm just giving you background. So, now we have a baby and that's wonderful. He loves his daughter dearly - I wont take that away from him. But with me, he is very disrespectful, argumentative....at that same time he can be the sweetest man in the world...when he wants to be. Its' a constant roller coaster and me on pins and needles wondering if today's the day he's going to be pleasant or a downer. So we figured we'd get married when our daughter was maybe 8 or nine months. He cried at the wedding and told me he'd never mistreat me again.
Fast forward two years later, new home and I stll daily wish I could hit the lottery so I can pack my bags and divorce him. He's not a horrible person, but he is selfish and pessimistic and just not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am in pain over my poor decisions, and the repurcussions this (divorce) would have on my daughter who loves her father. On top of it, he drinks beer so much that he can't perform sexually a lot of times. So not only emotionally but physically frustrated. It drives me insane because here I am an attractive, real and genuine woman with a good heart and passionate soul and I feel it's all gone to waste on a selfish man who thinks the world owes him something even though he only gives the bare minimum.
Right now, I can't leave him because I can't afford to live on my own, plus with the new house and tax credit, we'd be responsible for repaying 8K and that's a no no. Also, I feel embarassed. I feel like a failure. I don't want to deal with the family stuff and the sad looks from others.
I feel like this isn't right if I constantly daydream about hitting the lottery for the sole purpose of cutting my ties and starting a new life with me and my daughter.
This feels good actually...venting.
DestroyingAngel 31-35, F 5 Responses 3 May 29, 2010