Should I Stay Or Should I Go...

When I first my husband, it was a whirlwhind romance that moved extremely quickly. I moved in with him in weeks. We were inseperable, passionate and enthusiastic about eachother's interests and dreams. We couldn't keep our hands off eachother and rarely argued.  Slowly the control issues started with him getting angry when I would go somewhere without telling him.  It then got in the way of my music goals and I ended up stopping my pursuit of being a songwriter, due to his jealousy of other men being around me. Still, I loved him, was insanely attracted to him and that passion was still there. Soon, though, the verbal insults started, with him calling me ******* and ***** in arguments and I would lash out hitting him, sometimes hurting myself and he always seemed so remorseful that I always forgave him. He would be OK for a while, but it would eventually resurface.  We fought like cats and dogs....then I got pregnant.  He seemed to change then, becoming more responsible but that all turned to hell when he would leave me at home daily to hang out with his friends. Granted, im no saint and I have a party lifestyle too and there have been times when i've wanted to go out and did so without his blessing...i'm just giving you background.  So, now we have a baby and that's wonderful. He loves his daughter dearly - I wont take that away from him.  But with me, he is very disrespectful, that same time he can be the sweetest man in the world...when he wants to be.  Its' a constant roller coaster and me on pins and needles wondering if today's the day he's going to be pleasant or a downer.  So we figured we'd get married when our daughter was maybe 8 or nine months.  He cried at the wedding and told me he'd never mistreat me again. 

Fast forward two years later, new home and I stll daily wish I could hit the lottery so I can pack my bags and divorce him.  He's not a horrible person, but he is selfish and pessimistic and just not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am in pain over my poor decisions, and the repurcussions this (divorce) would have on my daughter who loves her father.  On top of it, he drinks beer so much that he can't perform sexually a lot of times. So not only emotionally but physically frustrated.  It drives me insane because here I am an attractive, real and genuine woman with a good heart and passionate soul and I feel it's all gone to waste on a selfish man who thinks the world owes him something even though he only gives the bare minimum.

Right now, I can't leave him because I can't afford to live on my own, plus with the new house and tax credit, we'd be responsible for repaying 8K and that's a no no.  Also, I feel embarassed.  I feel like a failure. I don't want to deal with the family stuff and the sad looks from others.

I feel like this isn't right if I constantly daydream about hitting the lottery for the sole purpose of cutting my ties and starting a new life with me and my daughter. 

This feels good actually...venting.  
DestroyingAngel DestroyingAngel
31-35, F
7 Responses May 29, 2010

It sounds like it won't work-out... rarely does when it gets to this point. This, however, is your life, and a little bit slips away daily. 'Can't afford' is not adequate as a reason to live unhappily... Sorry, but that's true. Pls take a look at my profile, and then consider adding me to your circle. Thx.

I know how you feel I'm in the same situation I have six children second marriage so yes it is embarrassing but you can't beat the Bears you need to just want to be happy I'm working 3 jobs to learn how to be independent and self sufficient

I feel like you're writing my story. Frustrated and unhappy in my marriage. I want out, because I'm way too young to deal with control, abuse and mistreatment from the person I sleep next to. So tired too :(

May I ask what has happened since this post? I'm in a very simialr situation and was wandering how things have panned out for you.

I understand how you feel and to all the wife/mothers who are suffering in their marriages, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I'm too are in the same boat as you all are. I have been married for almost 5 miserable years and the only person that is keeping me sane is my little girl. I feel so depressed and angry at myself for having to allow such sadness into my life and to my daughter. My husband and I got married with such a short engagement and part of my frustrations in my marriage is that I was not fully aware of the differences his family and my family and all the multicultural backgrounds that are tearing us apart. At present, I'm still constantly fighting to work it out and the reason I'm fighting back is because I don't want to feel regret if in case I decide to leave this marriage down the road. Atleast, I have something to explain to my daughter as she grows older that I just did my best, and to my end, I did try my best.
I wish all men and women would learn to spend enough time knowing each other and their background before committing into marriage. It is too sacred and to disastrous for children to end the marriage in case things does not work out.

Im also "unhappily" married. I feel your pain. I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. Remember that no matter what your circumstances, you do have a choice to stay in this bad relationship or leave. It may not be easy, but it is possible. Do you have any family? Reach out to them, they will probably try to help in any way they can, and chances are they have seen the pain and anguish that you try so hard to hide from everyone. You are a worthwhile, beautiful and unique person who deserves to be happy. You deserve better than an unhappy marriage. You only get one chance at life. Ask yourself "are you truly happy with your life right now" if the answer is no, you owe it to yourself and your child to leave and find your happiness. Would you want your baby to be in the situation you are in? Would you want them to somehow find the strength to leave and move on with their life so they can be happy? I know that is what I would want for my daughter, so I am planning on telling my husband when he gets his next paycheck to leave and find his own place because I deserve my happily ever after, and he is not going to make me happy and I know it. Stay strong! You've got this!

I thank you for taking the time to write this. As I sit here, my soul hurts and i'm fighting back tears - a failure. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that this picture i've painted is melting. I wish I could shake him and make him see that he's losing me. I don't think he realizes, but I think he's to stubborn to face the reality. Lose/Lose.