A Letter UnsentWhen I met you, we were friends, we could talk. When we fell in love things changed. You treated me poorly but I put up with it because that's all I've ever known.
My whole life I was made to feel worthless and deserving of being treated like the lump of crap I was. So I took and took with a smile on my face that masked the pain inside my heart.
I hoped and prayed every single day that you would appreciate me for how good I was to you, how much better your life was since you found me, since you found someone who showered you with love, who gave you all she had to give. All my life I waited for someone to give all my love to, despite how poorly you treated me, I still gave it all to you.
I had a sparkle of hope that since God brought us together He would make things work out and one day I would be happy too.
I was here for you through your personal struggles that affected us both, I stayed, supported, and loved you regardless.
I lived for YOU, I put you #1 in my life. I've always lived to make others happy, that's not your fault and I'm not blaming you for that. I don't feel it's my fault either since it's how I was raised.
Raised to be beaten down, raised to feel that I had to try so hard to get love from anyone. "Kill 'em with kindness" was drilled into my head by someone who killed me with cruelty.
Regardless I stuck with that saying and hid my pain deep within, pushing it further and further down as I found ways to try and be happy or at least fake it despite my living hell.
Being physically and emotionally abused by the 2 people who were supposed to love me most as a kid, well if even they couldn't love me then I really must be worthless.
So running to you to escape that hell, despite how you treated me and made me feel about myself, running to you was at least better than what I had known for all my life surely.
We were happy for a while, but mainly because I had no voice, I took and took what you dished out, having some good memories to keep me going. Memories of when you would show me you loved me, I kept those times filed away in my heart so I could remind myself of those times when I couldn't feel or see it.
I know you have been kind to me, not the entire marriage 24/7 was bad, I'm not saying that and I do want to thank you for the good times. I just wish that there were lots more of them, and for the 15 years we've had together there should have been.
As years went on I had more than just emotional beat downs, I had new physical ones. I had health issues come up, chronic pain and then finally something much worse. Something so bad that at one point we both thought those were my final moments on Earth. So many times since then I wish they had been.
Anyway all of this on top of all our financial struggles, living in a place that looms over us as it seems that only our prayers are keeping it together, not getting what I needed emotionally from you, starting to feel deserted by God, starting to wonder if He made me only to suffer greatly. All of this building and building, getting only worse and worse, all of this changed me... I started breaking down the wall that I had built up since I was a child. I started realizing that I was only always living for others, pushing myself and my needs to the bottom. Suffering in silence was killing me and I started letting it out, little bit by little bit. Finally talking with you about some of the abuse I'd suffered as a child, and then finally trying to discuss with you the problems in our marriage.
I stopped making excuses for your behavior in my head, I started to realize that despite how you were raised, that you knew better. That you knew what I needed, especially since I finally started telling you, finally started finding my voice and expressing the desires of my heart to you hoping you'd care.
I wanted to try to have a happy life despite all my circumstances and if this was going to happen then I would have to deal with what was at the heart of it-me and you.
I've been here for you through so much. I have been such a devoted wife to you, sticking up for you all the time when outsiders would comment on your behavior towards me. I would make excuses for you then to them, would try to get them to see your good side.
You were happy having a voiceless wife who lived only for you and put herself aside, but now that I am finding my voice you want nothing to do with it. You wont listen to my voice, you are annoyed by it and don't care what my heart has to tell yours.
You say you love me and I believe that you do but if you loved me as deeply as I do you, you would care about how badly I am hurting. But instead you are so cold, so detached and you get so mad when I try to open up to you. You shut down and nothing gets through.
You seem to never see or acknowledge all that I do and have done for you, how much I lived for you. What all I've been through with you and put up with from you.
You never see any of it because you've really taken me for granted.
You've never wanted me to open up to you, you have always gotten angry with me when I get hurt by something you do. You don't apologize for hurting me, instead you expect me to just get over it and move on so your evening can be better. If I don't act like everything is fine despite what I'm feeling, then you get very annoyed. I should just happily shove my emotions deep down again to serve you... I cannot do that anymore, I just can't!
Sometimes it's almost like you feel that I am a possession or a pet for you. Something that you can just treat however you'd like, neglect or whatever and I'll still be here when you want to play and hang out.
You just expect me to get over any hurts and pretend to be happy so that I can enhance your life. But you don't seem to care about enhancing mine at all.
You just don't seem to have any respect for me. If you did love and respect me as a husband should then you should care about how my heart is hurting and not just ask me to get over it without any kind of apology.
It doesn't make sense to me. I love you so much, that's why the things you say and do hurt me so badly. I don't know how I am supposed to just get over all of that when I don't even get an apology acknowledging the pain you've caused me and showing me you care and are sorry. How can I just forget that and move on, how can you expect me to act as if nothing has happened when you so obviously don't care about the pain that you've caused me? I can't just erase the pain myself, I need your help because you are the one who hurt me. It only hurts me even more that you don't value my feelings and care when I'm hurting.
I could easily get over those things and happily forgive you if you would show me that you were sorry at all for them. That it bothered you even a little bit that you hurt me...
I know sometimes I do get an apology and each time I do I always hug you, thank you, and tell you that I forgive you. I'm always so grateful for those moments because it shows me you do care. It's just that more often than not I do not get apologizes.
I'm know I'm writing this for myself as I know you wont read it, you don't want to read it, my emotions are just something that gets in your way and can put a damper on your day.
I know you weren't raised as I was. You weren't physically abused nor made to feel completely worthless. You had people who loved you and showered you with their love. You had confidence and independence.
I know you don't have experience with women, I know you don't understand them. I know your own mother was a poor example of what a woman is and what a woman needs. She was also a horrible mother to you and I am sorry about that but am grateful that at least you did have others in your life that surrounded you to make up for it.
You've had bad examples on how to treat women from those men who were close to you and raised you, I know that. But I also know I've told you so many times what I want and what I need. You say you cannot give that to me, you act like what I'm asking for is impossible, that NO ONE can give me the love that I need when I know that what I ask is completely possible if you only cared enough to try harder.
All I really want is for you to show me that you love me, for you to cherish me and show me that I am precious to you.
You know how easy I am to please. With one sweet gesture you send me over the moon! I thank you a million times over for each sweet gesture. It doesn't take much at all to give my heart what it desires, what it deserves, what I deserve.
You want to get outside opinions on other things you care about, tips on how to improve etc. You spend lots of time and effort into researching those other things that interest you and that are important to you because you are passionate about them, but not us... Why can't you be passionate and interested in improving us? Why is that not more important to you?
You don't want to look into other sources for tips, etc, don't want to talk to an outside person nor even watch simple videos that could offer you outside perspectives to help. This shows me yet again that you just don't care about this marriage enough because if you did you would want to seek help for it, for us. You'd want to put the time and work in to make things good between us.
I know I've kind of put myself in this situation because I wanted to escape from my home situation. I know I also further put myself here by allowing you to mistreat me so long before I finally started speaking up for myself.
I know this but I couldn't help it, it was all I knew... I really didn't know how to stand up for myself at all. And when I tried with you all I got was rage in return.
If you do not want to hear my voice, do not care about what my heart is feeling then what in the world do you have for me in your heart? Just a friendship kind of love? But even with friends you care if you've hurt them.
Why can't you see that there isn't something wrong with the fact that I FINALLY have begun voicing my feelings about how you are to me, why can't you see that there is something wrong not in me speaking about it but in what you are doing to hurt me and also how you don't care that it does?
You must realize there is something wrong with how you are with me sometimes because you want to always make sure I never get to discuss with anyone what I'm going through, you always ask if I've told anyone or ask me not to.
I wish this conversation could have happened before we got married, but as I've stated back then I didn't know how. I was very young and had been raised to be abused. All I knew was to shove my feelings deeper and deeper and try to please. I didn't want it then but couldn't speak, I don't want that now and can finally express that to you. I no longer want to totally disregard my feelings, my wants, and my desires. If you love me, if you TRULY love me, you shouldn't want that for me either.
FINALLY I want MY feelings to matter to someone else for the first time in my life.
**I just wanted to give a quick update-I may post a follow up story eventually but for now I'll do a very brief update. ;)
I left my husband only a few months after I posted this story. I finally could take no more...
We were separated for 5 months and during that time I was CERTAIN we were going to divorce because he simply WOULD NOT CHANGE! But a miracle did happen! He started to change! :)
We worked through our biggest issues and I finally got him to CARE about my pain! :)
We have been back together for a few months now and we are doing ok. It's CONSTANT work that's for sure but we are both committed to this marriage now and hopefully it will STAY that way. ;)
FindingMyVoice 31-35, F 8 Responses 4 Apr 26, 2011