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Is This Where The Story Begins?

I am not married. Not yet. That happens in October.

We've been together for 5 and half years now. I knew her a little longer than that. Things have changed since we started dating. So much so that as October nears I get a sinking feeling in my gut that I'm walking into a mistake. Maybe in 10-20 years I will have a story similar to those from the other members here.

When we met we were both in medical school. We had a lot on our plate and did enough things together outside the classroom that we eventually connected. Things were great back then. She was vivacious and energetic. She was interested in cooking and traveling and taught me things that I've grown to appreciate.

Things slowly changed over the past few years. We stopped having things to talk about. We don't have conversations anymore. Not at home and not outside. At restaurants I see other couples talking or smiling to each other; we just stare at our phones. I don't think this is any one person's fault. We just don't have much to talk about anymore. Sometimes I think our mutual growth as a couple has ceased.

Perhaps the physical side of things is the most depressing. It simply does not exist anymore. Over the past 3 years I have had more birthdays than times I've had sex. She is simply never interested, or she is tired. Things were very different at the beginning. I think she's lost interest in me physically but she's always denied this. In the past I've brought this up several times and each time she says things will change. They never did. She says we will have more sex after marriage, but I am not stupid.

She has changed physically too. She has gained weight and that energy she's had is not there anymore. At least not there outside of work. She used to go to the gym every week. Now she comes home and watches streaming TV on her laptop, alternating with watching the actual TV. I still find her attractive, but it's almost as if she's lost interest in taking care of herself.

I guess I don't really blame her for any one thing. I just want to get this off my chest. I'm 29. I feel my 20's and my life as a single man are both coming to and end at the same time. I view these two milestones with different emotions. I have a good job, fantastic friends, and feel that the past decade's education and personal growth have made me the person I am today. I wouldn't change that one bit. On the other hand, I am about to be married, to a woman I no longer really talk with, make love to, or perhaps even love. This scares the hell out of me. My parents and friends all seem to have happy marriages, and my only experiences with troubled marriages seem to be from TV or word of mouth from other people. I don't want to be the one to experience it first hand.


pd09 pd09 26-30 7 Responses Apr 27, 2012

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She's probably overwhelmed with work and physically tired since she doesn't workout any more. She's feeling bored in her relationship. Hope you can make it better, go out, dance, workout with her, that would probably ignites her sex drive.

Wow - I totally relate to what you're saying....I too was having all the same kinda doubts about my husband....and coincidentally we got married last October. I kept thinking all the bad things I didn't like about the relationship would change after getting married - but the hard cold truth is that things DON'T change, well certainly not for the better. Have I made a bad mistake in marrying this guy? Only time can tell. The only advice I can give is "don't settle"...because I'm scared that's what I've done, and I'm hoping I don't regret my decision 10-20 years down the line, if I even make it that far with him.

My husband started not wanting sex after dating awhile too. I loved him and hoped it would get better. Married 10years and have had less sex in 10years than most have in one. In fact he hasn't given me any intimacy in over 4 years. If you really love her though, I think she's depressed. Gained weight, has no confidence in herself, so then doesn't want you to see her in that way when she may be disgusted with herself. If she talks to a professional and perhaps gets whatever help is needed (meds or whatever) she may turn it around. But there's no guarantee she won't fall into this again later in life. Talk to her about possibly calling off the wedding. Easier than being years into it and trying to get out.

I married a man 8 years ago who I didn't love. My girlfriend tried to talk me out of it, but I thought I needed the security. I wish so very much I had listened to her and left the church that day. You have a few months, and I believe you'll make a big mistake marrying this one. Please listen to your gut, and think why you're here on this site. You're not happy. Don't seal that deal by the long-term marriage contract. Have an honest talk with yourself, then, have that same honest talk with her. You're a smart man, make the smart decision for the life ahead of you. Best wishes!!

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I believe u really need to finish it off. And once its done i m sure u will meet the right person and will be thanking God that you did not do such a mistake and woke up on time. Sex life is very important and either it is there or not, no matter on the stamp in d passport...

I’ve been married 35 years. My advice to you is end it now. It is the best thing you can do for both of you. Consider yourself lucky for the wake up call.