How Do You Do "Happily Married"????
I've been married twice. I am still married to husband number two. Husband number one was my college sweetheart. That marriage lasted five years. The marriage ended because my husband couldn't keep his pants zipped up.
Waited a very long time before I remarried. This second marriage has lasted 14 years. We knew each other for about 14 or 15 months before we married. Our marriage was the second marriage for both of us. In my husband's case, he was widowed.
When we met, I was a professional making good money. I have a Master's degree and I was very self-sufficient financially. I've never been a person who had to have "somebody" to feel okay about myself. In fact, I prefer to live alone.
Neither one of us had children from our previous marriages. Due to our age when we we married, we weren't interested in having biological children. However, we both loved kids. Several years after we were married, we adopted two older children. We adopted our older son when he was five years old. He is now sixteen. Our younger son became part of our family when he was three years old. He is now nine years old.
Basically our marriage was over about seven or eight years ago. At about that time, I started going to counseling alone in an attempt to figure out how to stay married to this guy. I was extremely committed to staying together for the boys' sake. Coming from a divorced family, I believe that it's important for kids to have a mom and a dad.
The past seven years have been really rough. We ended up going to marriage counseling together. That was absolutely worthless. My husband could talk a good story in the counselor's office. But that's all that it was: talk. He simply wasn't interested in doing anything that was inconvenient or a hassle to him.
My husband is a high level technology consultant. In the last two years, he took a position which requires that he is out of town about 90 percent of the time. It has helped tremendously to have him out of the house. I love not having to deal with him on a daily basis. In fact, I dread it when he is coming home for a few days.
As I mentioned earlier, for me, there were a lot of years between marriage number one and marriage number two. Between marriages, I dated extensively and had long-term relationships with several men.
Although I have thought about divorce for a very long time, my priority is my children. I don't want their lives disrupted in any way. My boys adore their dad and that is important to me also.
Since I have quite an extensive history of dating and several close, long-term relationships with men prior to this second marriage, I don't have any romantic illusions about a "soul-mate" or a wonderful man out there who would make a delightful husband and make my life complete.
I'm not interested in looking for somebody else. In fact, if my husband died tomorrow, the last thing that I would want to do in this lifetime is to get married again.
Whatever...at least for now, I've decided to stay married. For the past 7 or 8 years, I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to "make our marriage work."
Now I've decided that the smart thing to do is to take my focus off of my marriage. Why? Because my marriage doesn't work and it's not ever going to work. Why waste my time over a bad deal? I made a bad decision when I decided to marry this man.
However, since I don't have any plans to replace him, why should I disrupt my life and my kids' life by wasting all of that emotional energy divorcing him and having to spend enormous amounts of time and effort to build a new life? I'm fine with my life the way it is. I just wish that my husband wasn't part of my life.
My strategy is to minimize my husband's effect on me. I refuse to fight with him about anything. We've already had all of those same old stupid fights and not a damn one of the fights solved anything.
I've moved him off of my radar screen. I'm focusing on the things that make me feel good about myself and the things that I enjoy. I'm making myself a new life that doesn't include my husband. He has always been one of those immature types: a kid dressed up in a grown-up suit. Everything has always been about him anyway. He won't miss being left out of my new life. In fact, he probably won't even notice!
So that's where I am right now with my "unhappily married" situation. So what? I have finally come to the conclusion that our culture promotes a totally unreasonable view of marriage.
We are led to believe that marriage is supposed to be based on a profound, deep, soul-stirring love. We are led to believe that our partners should be totally in tune with our every need. We are led to believe that there is one special person out there for all of us: our soul-mate. We just have to find the soul mate. We have been led to believe that our marriages should be "fun" and entertaining.
Sorry, but I've decided that we have been seriously duped. We all must be far more stupid than we ever thought to have bought into what is probably an unattainable "marriage made in heaven" fairy tale.
At least that is my take for now.