Why Won't I Leave?

We married due to premarital pregnancy, we wanted to do the right thing but I don't think either of us loved each other, even back then. I thought I would grow to love him but I just resent the person he is. I resent that he isn't the 'one' for me. He is terrible with money so we can't save for a house. We have become emotional and even a little physically abusive to one another and each day it only gets worse. I don't know why I stay. I am an educated woman who would be able to support my children on my own if I went back to work. I have my parents down the road. I don't know what's keeping me here! Maybe everything I have built for this family, I won't get any of it! I will be starting life out from scratch. Maybe I fear the kids not being in a 2 parent family but the way we are living can't be any better? I wish he would leave me so I would be let off the hook. I don't know why he stays. Or I wish he would cheat on me so I had reason to leave. Some days I think I actually hate him. I don't talk to anyone about this because I want to pretend that I have the perfect life. I daydream that one day I will get to meet the person who loves me with all their heart.
Miseryhascompany Miseryhascompany
26-30, F
5 Responses Dec 10, 2012

Your the only one keeping yourself there. I think you would be better off without him. You are the one that has to make up your mind to take that chance and leave. Yes, of course it will be hard at first, but ask yourself, would you rather be miserable for the rest of your life, would you rather waste your time with someone you don't wanna be with than find your real soul-mate? I know its a harder decision to leave when kids are involved, but don't just stay and be miserable, make yourself a well-thought out plan and act on it if your serious about leaving him. If not you will be miserable, which will reflect on your kids, thats never good. I have decided to leave, I finally told him I want a divorce, I'm ready to start living and being happy again. I hope you find the courage to leave if thats what you truely want. Women are strong, in time we will be just fine. wish you all the best...

Oh just me again. I do have 3 years of college,but that doesn"t stop abuse.He keeps yelling and got a bag of his clothes to burn outside.Yup thats normal. I don't get emontional.I"m numb.Is this Christmas.I have no phone,only cell,no T.V, and power disconnected soon.I guess I have to find all the money soon.He has no gas,no insurance. Did I metion I shouldn't shower I may go somewhere.Rest assured I shower everyday. :). Sorry just venting.I only have my car and my computer. Now all of you. Love music,but he puts that down too. I love dacing and sunsets.I am a free spirit and keep the Faith.

Hi Ali thanks for the reply, it's good to know I'm not alone. I understand when u say u don't feel any emotion when u threaten to burn clothes, I feel numb too. I have never done the clothes thing but I have done plenty along those lines. Tonight we had an argument and he called me a "c***" I dispise name calling but he is so aggressive sometimes. I feel like such a victim and make myself feel weak for staying. We are now ignoring each other in seperate rooms. I wonder how long one of us will cave in (usually me cos I dont hold grudges) and this ****** roller coaster life will continue. I have a friend visiting tomorrow. I wonder if we will pretend to be a normal family or continue to ignore one another. I'm scared to show ppl what our relationship is really like, I don't want the judgements off loved ones and I don't need them to tell me to leave because it will probably have the reverse effect. It's only been 4 yrs and if it's like this now, how are we going to survive without wearing each other down? I don't have any love for him left. Don't u regret not leaving when he cheated on u?
We actually broke up before I found out I was pregnant with my first baby and when I told him that I planned on keeping it without him he had already got a new girlfriend and was moving on. He left her to do the "right" thing. Now I wish he hasn't of. In saying that tho, I wouldn't have my son if that happened. Our relationship is toxic and financially we have no future. I need to leave but I physically can't. I hope u end up having a merry Christmas. I have my family here to drain out all his negativity.

You are not alone.I have been in a marriage for 35 years like yours.Controlling,3 grown children who wished I had left when they were young.I left 3 times when they grew up.Always coming back because we own a house together,paid for. Why should I leave? Christmas is ****.He has no money as usual for the grandkids or anyone.I do everything.He lets the bills go and walks around with coffee and smokes.I just got laid off, so it is worst this year. My teeth are falling apart.I always try to take care of myself,but I always hear put downs.I fell like I hit bottom and I feel so alone.This is the first time I posted anything. My flag is flying low.Can't get my spirits up. The right person is hard to find. He cheated on me when I was pregnant with my first child.Forgave him and paid the price ever since. Thats my story.

I was reading your story and feel like I'm in the same boat as you, got married for all the wrong reasons and here I am 7 years later one child and wishing all the things you are :)

Hi Mis. just read your short story and laughed because i can see what your going through .trust me your going to have to force the issue otherwise you will end up like me lol............i have 2 young kids so i can see your problem very clear ..if you fancy a chat give me a shout

I would love to chat and get things off my chest. This is my first time on here so not sure how I go about doing that?

Sorry I haven't been online. Me and my husband have been going through a good patch, didn't last long though, it never does. I'm Jess and I'm 28 with 2 young kids. Tell me ur story John.

HI jess, sorry i haven't replied as l am getting ready for christmas for the kids.......9 and 12 year old boy and girl.
my story couldnt be more fiction if i tried. After the birth of my little girl life started to go down hill fast ...after 9 years of no intimacy im a the end of trying to please her any more ....why it has taken so long i will never no...i wont try to sound bitter but life is pretty **** at the mo...just need to have an open chat with someone ..enjoy your christmas and new year ..chat soon ..john

How did your christmas go ? hope your hubby was nice for more than 2 days lol...john

Christmas day was good. Christmas eve was stress with plenty of yelling. So we only really got 1 day of not fighting. Today he has been snapping at every little thing I do. Most of the day I have walked away from it but he follows me and tries to start more arguments. I just want him back at work.
How did ur day turn out? Why do u think u no longer have any intimacy?

lol you think im a fat f.... lol . sorry to hear your christmas was not so good ,just try to rise above it and fill your life with people that are deserving you......ps my christmas sounds the same as your yours - had family and friends stay over so had to play happy families , if only they knew lol .
question for you .how open do you want to be with me with this chat .. feelings.....please dont think im some sort of creep im just a normal bloke with pent up problems in life...where in the world are you from ? im from portsmouth uk. ps

Happy new year x

Happy new year John. Why would I think ur fat? Well update, we have hit rock bottom and I told him that I am unhappy. He has actually taken it seriously and has been overly nice to me for the last 3 days. It won't last, it never does. I'm thinking about actually leaving. I'm going to play it out. I'm in Sydney Australia. I've always wanted to go to the uk, I became a teacher for that reason but then I had kids and well, working overseas got put on hold.

Hi Jess . sounds like your having loads of fun with the hubby then,i read your last message and thought what you actually told him .....im pissed off with you ...or sort yourself out or im packing my bags ...lol
Have to tell you things will go back to as they were, before to long .i have tried every thing ..now im in a marriage thats more like a business partnership.
With regards to you teaching its never 2 late ....i take thats what you do for a living at the moment then ......great job wish i had tried something on them lines.
i have now started going to the gym to meet (hopefully) someone new ....i cant take much more of this ......problem is i would be gutted to leave the kids ...might take them with me .....dont think she would mind ...she has more on her plate at the mo......
ps its not the fat its that i look like shrek i think ..lol.

Ur right, I'm giving him mixed msgs. The truth is that I'm not ready to leave. As bad as this sounds, I want to fix myself up first. Start working part time again so I have my own money (yes as a teacher), lose a few kgs, go to the gym and pay off any debt. As much as it sounds like Im using him while I "improve" myself, of I leave now i have nothing. I want to be smart about this. I guess the other reason is that while Im improving myself, we might get out act together and be happy. I know, I'm a dreamer.
So ur thinking of having an affair? I wonder what that would be like. Good on u for going to the gym. P.s. what's wrong with shrek? He ends up with a princess.

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