Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Too Soon To Be This Bad...

My husband & I met in June 2008.  Moved in together Sept. 2008. Married Jan. 2009. Had our first son Aug 2009.  Yes, we moved fast.

In the beginning it was great.  We both had been married before and knew exactly what we were looking for in a relationship.  We knew we werent "perfect" for each other--who is.  But we knew that we loved eachother, had fun together, had a great sex life, had similar religious beliefs and morals and upbringings.  So, not perfect, but a good fit.

Here we are--Jan. 2010.  Him down stairs watching TV, me upstairs in bed on the computer typing this.

We made a decision for me to resign from my corporate position to become a stay at home mom--which I was thrilled that we could financially make this happen cause I didn't want to leave my little man. 

But our sex life, no interest--he is interested, but only in getting himself pleasure and leaving me high and "dry".  Communication--if I try to talk to him about anything, he gets all upset and like a child and throws a temper tamtrum and then won't talk to me for like a day.  Team work--he feels that I am a stay at home MAID.  That taking care of a new born should leave me plenty of time to clean a bigger than 3000 sq. ft. home, do every bodys laundry including all the linens and towels, cook dinner, shop, make phone call, basically do everything so that when he comes home from work he can relax.

The only thing he helps with is he makes his sons bottles every night so they are ready for him the next day.  And he'll cook dinner--hotdogs, take out, sometimes chicken and veggies.  And I refuse to do his laundry--he is a grown man--so he does his own laundry.  That is ALL the help I get.  The whole time he is doing any of the above to help, I am taking care of the baby and all the other chores in the house. 

Then he wants to get into bed and expects me to have sex with him.  2 minutes later he's nice and relaxed and I'm pissed that I even let him touch me.  Basically I can't bring myself to even have sex with him anymore.  I want another child, but can't stomach intimacy with him anymore.

I used to be a very happy person.  Always very happy.  Always had tons of great friends, was very social, very active.  I understand that life changes when you get married and have a child.  I understand that I won't be going out, my priorities have changed, my social circle is so large--but to be this unhappy and lonely.  I am so unhappy.  The only thing that makes me smile is my son.

What happened.?? How did this happen.?? How did this happen so quickly.??

He has gotten physical with me before, only a couple of times--once before being pregnant, he threw me against a wall.  Once while pregnant and grabbed me hard and shook me.  Then again a couple months ago--he threw me away from my son while I had him on the changing table and when I got up and walked up to them crying asking why he did that he grabbed me and drug me out of the room down the hall and threw me on the floor and kicked me when I was down all while my son was screaming on the changing table--all I could do was beg him to go get our son who was alone ontop of a tall changing table.

I cannot get over him being physical with me.  I cannot get over the lack of communication--or the way he communicates.  I don't work anymore and I feel trapped.

He treats me like a maid who should be readily available for his 2 minutes of sex.

I love my son.  I am not sure if I even still love my husband.

What to do....I am SO lonely.....

Lalida Lalida 36-40, F 4 Responses Jan 9, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

Dear Lalida,<br />
I know exactly what you mean, my husband does nothing for the house at all an doesnt just expect everything in the house to be perfectly clean, he COMMANDS it, while me being a full time student. If everything is not perfect he throws temper tantrums like a 2 year old. I am not a maid I am a person. And friends and family are not existent to me because he made me alienate everyone while he could be with his friends and family 24/7. Sometimes if I bring up an issue he doesnt like, like me loosing my sanity because I am so unhappy, he throws a fit that I fear for my life... I want to get out but I have only been married for 9 months.

Dear Lalida,<br />
I know exactly what you mean, my husband does nothing for the house at all an doesnt just expect everything in the house to be perfectly clean, he COMMANDS it, while me being a full time student. If everything is not perfect he throws temper tantrums like a 2 year old. I am not a maid I am a person. And friends and family are not existent to me because he made me alienate everyone while he could be with his friends and family 24/7. Sometimes if I bring up an issue he doesnt like, like me loosing my sanity because I am so unhappy, he throws a fit that I fear for my life... I want to get out but I have only been married for 9 months.

Well having children is notoriously hard on the intimacy in marriage - but the physical contact you describe is unacceptable as Sadira said. No excuse. It does sound like it's escalating too. Can you go back to work? If you are dependent on his money that makes you all the more vulnerable. There is so much at risk here. This may seem extreme to you - but would you consider contacting a woman's shelter?

Girl, you are not only being taken for granted, you are being physically abused. Say it with me now - he's not "getting physical" with you, he's abusing you, and it will only get worse. Will things be better for your son when he's old enough to understand what he's seeing - his dad kicking you, throwing you down, shoving you against a wall, injuring you? Will things be better for your son when your husband has killed you? Your life is in danger, dear Lalida. Don't make excuses, don't minimalize it, get out out now! Who knows, he may also treat your son the same way. This isn't a question of the ordinary ups and downs of a marriage, this is a question of survival. Please, please, please get out of that house and see a lawyer today! You owe it to your son, and you owe it to yourself.